Post # 1
My husband likes to get out with his single friends a few times a month and lately he has been going out when the kids go to bed like around 10, says he’s meeting his friends at their house or a bar, and ends up staying the entire night. I’ll usually fall asleep then wake up the next morning when he calls me to pick him up because his friends drive him somewhere to stay the night and he left his car somewhere else.
I’ve told him I don’t like this and I refuse to pick him up in the mornings. When I tell him I don’t want him to go out he yells saying “what do you want me to do, sit here on the couch and watch TV?” I understand he needs to get out too, I just don’t like the idea of him staying the night and literally all of his friends are single and drink a lot.
I feel at a loss. It’s like he doesn’t value our marriage or relationship enough to respect it and nothing I’ve done has been effective. I may have unrealistic expectations of a man but has anyone been in the same boat and has done something effective?
Right now it’s 3:47 am and at 3 am I got 2 texts saying he loves me, I’m the best, then I texted him back joking he’s drunk and asked if he’s staying the night because I don’t know what to say anymore.. I’m not feeling his drunk love! So far no response and I don’t kno an where he is or if he’s with women for that matter.
Thanks for any responses and feedback. I know I can’t change someone, just want to be more effective and feel at peace while respected too.
Background info: we’re in our early 30s, been married 7 years, and have 5 kids including a 4 month old so I understand his need to get out, I feel it too. I just need support!
Post # 2
Sounds to me like he is having an affair and he’s staying with his girlfriend for the night, I don’t see another logical reason for this happening so much. Once in a blue moon, ok maybe, but several times a month? nuh uh.
The getting angry and yelling could be because of the guilt not because he should have to sit at home. It was also his choice to have 5 children and I’m sorry but whole nights out a few times a month is disgraceful, particularly with a 4 month old. That’s something you give up as a parent, no?
Post # 3
I don’t know about an affair, not discounting it though, but this is extremely disrespectful to you! I don’t know. He is a father and has responsibilities, and does not have excuse for going out so often.
Post # 4
I agree that this is unacceptable. He is doing this way too often and I would be afraid that he may even have a drinking problem. I also find the behavior suspicious and would ask him if he is having an affair. It seems you both have a lot of responsibility and a large family which can be scary and stressful. I think you need to get to the bottom of this. Sorry.
Post # 5
totally something you give up as a parent! Hell, I’d say it’s something you give up as a mature adult and no longer a college student.
Once in a blue moon…maybe. But once you make the decision to have five children, you need to be at home and not out all night so frequently.
I don’t now how you fix it, but you’re not being unreasonable.
Post # 6
He needs to be at home to look after you, the mother of his children, and make sure you are alright.
He needs to be at home to make sure that if a child is ill you can look after your child together.
He needs to be at home so that he saves money to give good things to you and your children.
Post # 7
- Wedding: April 2017 - City, State
What was his behavior like before you two got married/started a family? Is this behavior that has started recently or has he always done this sort of thing?
Post # 8
Wow, this is quite a post. I could have written the first part about one of my ex-boyfriends. When we dated he was 24, 6 years younger than me at the time. Every Friday night was boys night and sometimes his friends would crash at his place or vice versa. Sure, when I was single I liked going to the bar to socialize but didn’t need to as much since I had him. I think our ideas of what it meant to be in a relationship were different. Also, he was extrovert and I’m more of an introvert. I felt like his friends resented me because they still wanted him to be single and do all the same things he used to do. Our lifestyles just didn’t match and since I was older, I wanted to dedicate my life to someone and he wasn’t there yet. Does any of this ring true to you OP?
Now with with my husband, it’s completely different. When we started dating our lives revolved around each other. We weren’t trying to hold onto our single life freedoms. We like going out as a couple mostly and are trying to expand our married friends circle.
Now onto the OP; I was glad to read you don’t enable him by picking him up in the mornings. Maybe try and suggest things the guys can do without drinking like paintball, movies, etc. I was pretty shocked when I read you have kids. Because his behavior seems even more out of line. But we don’t have kids, so I can’t be sure my husband wouldn’t want to go blow off some steam every once and a while. But I do think a few times a month is too many.
My relationship with this type of guy didn’t work out, so I don’t have much advice to give. But I can say I’ve been there and know how it feels.
Post # 9
- Wedding: June 2017 - Greenspot Farms
This sucks 🙁 but I totally (in theory) understand the need for wanting to get out with friends and have old times. Is there any way you guys could have a discussion and set up designated nights when this would be ok? 1 time a month… Or whatever you two decide works for you.
Conpromise some how so he gets his bro time and yet you know exactly when it’s going to happen and also make sure he knows he will be arranging his own transportation to his vehicle.
Post # 10
I agree with you. Blowing off steam and seeing friends is great, and necessary for parents. Getting very drunk and not coming home several nights a month is a huge problem. I imagine I’d feel the same way you do.
Is this — the staying out all night thing — new behavior?
Post # 11
Yeah no. I like to go out sometimes (in saying that I’m talking once every three months and I’m 26 and we have no children) but there is no way I would not come home to my own home and my DH no matter how much of a big night it was. In fact, I am always just really happy to crawl into bed with him after a night out.
Same goes with my husband. I don’t care if he comes home at 4am, but he needs to come home before morning.
I get the fact he has 5 kids and may need his ‘guy time’ but there is no excuse for not coming home to his family. Is this a recent behaviour? Is this the only thing going wrong in the relationship?
Post # 12
You deserve better than this from your husband. Your kids also deserve better than this from their father. You should not be home with 5 kids, including a 4 month old, wondering if/when your husband will be home. Frankly, with a spouse and 5 babies it is never acceptable in my mind for a person to be so drunk that they wouldn’t be able to respond to an unexpected emergency; going out for drinks, sure, but not getting super drunk.
The fact that all of his guy friends are single and drink a lot is a red flag of immaturity to me. Sounds like he is trying to cling to younger years of life and not maturing into the role of husband/father. At this point in your lives, I’m surprised he doesn’t have friends who are also married.
To me this is not a situation where you should feel like you need to compromise (make a deal for him to do this once a month, etc.), but instead it’s a situation where he needs to mature and figure out that at this stage in his life, fun is having a nice night at home with his wife and kids.
Has your relationship been like this for a while? Or is this a totally new thing?
Post # 14
Any man who routinely expects his wife to leave five children home alone so she can come pick him up somewhere after he’s been out all night drinking cannot possibly expect to end up on the winning and of this argument.
Since he obviously hasn’t listened to you and makes you out to be the bad guy who is trying to spoil his fun, is there anyone else in your lives (influential family member, friend, pastor, etc?) whom you can you call upon to help set your husband straight?
Post # 15
This post makes me so sad. No, your expectations of a man and the father of your children are not too high, they are too low. There is no reasonable excuse for his behavior. He needs a reality check. I’m not sure how you put up with this.