Husband going on trips leaving me and newborn at home

posted 1 year ago in Babies
Post # 46
Member
652 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

I find it quite curious that you would choose to get pregnant at a time when you seem to be quite career focused and not in a position to spend much time with baby. I assume that once your  leave is finished, baby will be in long day care every day, as early as 3 months old?  Add to that a ‘traditional’ partner who either didn’t really want this/wasn’t ready or thinks its all your job and seems quite insensitive to your needs…just…why?

Post # 47
Member
2364 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

ozbee :  putting a baby in daycare at 3 months is super, super standard in the US when the woman has a career. Plenty of research shows that working moms make for great, happy, well-adjusted, successful children and eventual adults. The fact that she has to go back to work is a product of the US maternity leave system (aka the lack thereof) and that alone deserves any blame.

Maybe you’re not from the US so it seems “curious” to you, but it’s just the way it is here and it’s not the working mom’s fault in the slightest. 

Post # 48
Member
184 posts
Blushing bee

zenith :  Totally, totally, totally, totally agree

Post # 49
Member
1750 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

This sucks bee.  I’d definitely suggest counseling so you can communicate without being accused of being ’emotional’,  like seriously,  he said that? I kinda get the hunting trip,  but still feel it’s too early. Like another bee said,  sometimes adulting is hard and means giving up things you want to do. 

I like the point made earlier about giving dad solo baby time so they can bond more.  Taking time for a yoga class or a massage or facial and letting your SO share parenting sounds like a great idea to me and it’s definitely being implemented after we have our in February. 

My sister’s ex did not cooperate when she tried it.  She would leave her son with his dad while she went grocery shopping or got her nails done and every time,  she’d come home and he’d be at home,  but the baby would be at his mom’s house. They did live 5 minutes away,  but still… You’d think he could have been able to handle an hour alone with a baby. 

Post # 50
Member
605 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

 beebee19 :  I can totally relate to this post.  My husband has a ton of hobbies that have always taken a lot of his time, and during the 7 years that we were dating/married before our first daughter was born, he got to do whatever he wanted and it didn’t matter to me.  He is super into hunting (deer and duck, so different seasons), fishing (summer, and ice fishing in winter), and riding motorcycle.  He has always done a long, 7-10 day motorcycle trip with a friend each June, along with a few weekend trips.  We conceived our first daughter, due May 2016.  While I was pregnant, we had a talk (initiated by him) about what I would and would not be ok with as far as his being away for hobbies that year.  We decided that he could still do a motorcycle trip, but it would be scheduled for October that year instead of June.  He also didn’t do any summer fishing that year – his choice.  He only hunted for duck season that year, and did a decent amount of ice fishing, but not as much as usual.  We conceived a second baby, due Dec 2017.  That year while I was pregnant, he still did his usual motorcycle trip, only one weekend of duck hunting, and sold all of his ice fishing gear that fall and didn’t go at all while we had our tiny newborn.  In the next few weeks, he is doing a 5-day motorcycle trip, and a 4-day fishing trip.  He has already expressed regret that the two trips are so close together, and he has said he will not do another fishing trip like this next year. 

Our situation is made more complicated because he also travels overnight for work an average of 2-3 days/week.  So I would probably be ok with a bit more fun travel if he wasn’t already gone so much for work.  But he has always been very respectful of my needs and feelings, and we’ve had a lot of open discussions about what I’m ok with.  It also helped that fell absolutely in love with our daughters right when they were born, and he doesn’t WANT to be away from them much more than he has to.  It’s even harder for him now that our 2-year old can talk, and is in a huge Daddy phase right now.  So she can say things like “I miss Daddy”, and “I love Daddy”, and will throw tantrums when he leaves.  It’s helpful that he sees how hard it is on her when he leaves, and it’s not just me laying on the guilt trip.  

All this to say, I HOPE for you that a lot of this will take care of itself when he meets/falls in love with this baby.  But in the meantime, you should have some honest talks with him about both of your expectations of time and input you expect of each other as parents.  Him blaming your emotions, and saying “Well, you wanted this baby” is concerning to me.  

If you said this, I missed it – when are you due?  If this summer, it is probably too late to reschedule his two trips, and I would probably just let it go this time.  But if it’s this fall/winter, I would ask him to reschedule/shorten one or both trips.  Good luck!  

Post # 51
Member
72 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2020 - City, State

I agree with some PP’s. My SO is big into hunting also, and I’d be okay with that trip, but definitely not a second trip (i.e. the bachelor party). You deserve some me-time too! Set up a spa day, schedule a massage, get your nails done, and have him watch baby for a day. It’s gotta go both ways. 

Post # 52
Member
7768 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

 ozbee :  Yeah….like Kitty said, welcome to the USA. Every friend of mine that’s given birth recently has put their baby in full-time daycare starting at 3 months. It sucks but that’s the reality of having a baby in the US for working moms – and honestly, the babies are fine. I have one friend who only got 6 weeks of leave and ,like OP, she had to save up for that for two years by never taking vacation, banking all her sick days, etc. She’s a teacher and tried to time it so she’d have the baby right as summer break started, but as many who TTC have learned, you cannot always control this shit. It’s a fucked up system, but your post implies that the OP alone is in the wrong (never mind that it takes two to make a baby and her husband was apparently happy to contribute at the time) – and I find that super judgmental and ignorant.

Post # 53
Member
341 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

beebee19 :  You know your husband the best but I would not hold my breath hoping he’ll coming around.  Like other bees I do find it concerning that he blamed you for wanting the baby.  Whether his emotions was high at the moment or not – I think he was speaking out how he truly felt.

Honestly, I think you should have the talk with your husband about what both of your expectations are for one another.  His life is no longer about just him and he better realize that it’s more important now than ever to be teammates because it can either strengthen your relationship or break it.  If he cannot be there for you when you need him the most then at least you can prepare yourself from the disappointment and make other arrangements.

The first few months are quite difficult.  You are adapting to a life with your baby.  And your baby is adapting to it’s new environment, which can be overwhelming for him/her.  You may be struggling with postpartum blues (which is completely normal no matter how much you try to mentally prepare yourself)… and honestly depending on how your labor goes it can either be a quick recovery (like a few days) or a long one (like a few weeks).  

I had a minor tear and it took me a while to get my strength back.  My daughter was in the NICU and I was thankful that my husband would drive us to hospital so we can be with her (he works and live in a different city).  It was exhausting.  Imagine trying to care for a new born baby after a marathon because your body just went through a lot of trauma.

Post # 54
Member
10853 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

beebee19 :  

Yeah.  No.  Hell no.  Hubby needs to grow the eff up and fast.  It’s not all about him anymore.

Post # 55
Member
9816 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

I would probably ask him to consider cancelling the first trip.  What if you deliver at 41 weeks with a csection and can’t handle a baby alone 2 weeks postpartum? You might not be able to take care of yourself 100%.  I’d probably have a discussion about the possibilities and what circumstances he might go or stay.  I suppose if I had the baby early and had help staying with me (like my mom) I might be okay about the trip.  But he would have to be willing to cancel as well. Also baby blues happen to a lot of women and I’m not sure I’d want to be alone that first month TBH.  Has he even been willing to disucss the possiblity of not going?  I wouldn’t be okay with 2 week long (fun) trips within the first two months TBH.  I would probably be more okay with the bachelor party simply because it is farther out.  The first few months are difficult and I wouldnt want to be alone for 25% of the time. 

Post # 56
Member
1595 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

I personally do not have children but I would be absolutely RIP SHIT at my husbands lack of involvement at the early stages of the babys life which can be a nightmare I have heard from not sleeping and having to constantly care for the baby and SOLO would be out of the question. 

He is being very VERY selfish and inconsiderate of you and then to top it off to hit you with some attitude? GIRL PLEASE. I would be absolutely fuming at my husband for pulling this childish bull sh*t. You are having a child he needs to get a grip of reality here. 

You have sacrificed so much, working 70 hrs a week, graduating, starting a new job, AND a new baby that you both created. So he gets to go have fun while you kill youself? HELL NO. 

Good luck sounds like you two need to have a serious chat about what life is going to be like when the new part of your family comes aboard.  

 

Post # 57
Member
2854 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

I would not have survived my maternity leave if it wasn’t for my husbands 100% involvement. When you bring that baby home you understand what everyone means when they say “having kids is HARD!” It’s a 2 person job. I was upset when my husband went back to work after 4 weeks for crying outloud. and that was WORK. If he had left me to fend for myself to go on a fun litle guys trip, the resentment I would have had for him would have devestated our marriage.

If you let this go without putting your foot down you are setting a president for the rest of your kids lives.

Post # 58
Member
3199 posts
Sugar bee

I loved the previous poster’s advice about if he wants to hit you with the ‘you’re emotional’ crap, then hit him with the business aspect. He’s 50% of the parenting workforce, so he’s responsible to get his portion covered in an acceptable manner before he leaves. Additionally, I’d roll this into a larger discussion about parenting responsibilities. You’re going back to work, so I assume you’ll introduce a bottle to get baby acclimated beforehand. Therefore, you could propose a more equitable split to feeding/changing/soothing as soon as you introduce the bottle. With him being more responsible for changing/soothing while you’re in the exclusively nursing phase. You’re taking your vacation days to do the best by baby and not be forced to put it in care too early….he should recognize that and not feel like it is just ‘your job’ to shoulder these burdens. 

 

I’d also circle back to how he treats you- labeling your arguments ’emotional’ and accusing you of bringing this on yourself (‘you wanted a baby’). That’s completely unacceptable. First, emotions aren’t forbidden or weak or less than logic. Especially in terms of family/inter-personal interactions. He needs to recognize that people have emotional needs that are just as valid and he must start taking those into account with a child to ensure it develops strong bonds with both parents, and your marriage is maintained in a healthy way (I’m assuming you didn’t marry entirely for convenience). Second, he was clearly involved in creating said baby, so if he didn’t have the balls to speak up and say he wasn’t ready for this life-changing step, and still needed the status quo…that ship has sailed and he better get on board the current one. At this point, I’d be super concerned that he thinks he and his time/wants are more valuable and important than yours. 

Post # 59
Member
1399 posts
Bumble bee

Your husband’s attitude is honestly disgusting. I can’t believe he thinks it’s okay for you to use all your vacation time to look after the baby while he used his for leisure activities leaving you home alone for a total of weeks with a newborn. Then on top of this he lies to you that he can’t take more time off so you can have just one or two nights off. 

Has he always been this selfish or is it just showing up now? 

I would be livid tbh, if he didn’t change his attitude ASAP then I would be considering taking your baby and staying with someone else. You don’t need a newborn, a full time job and a partner who thinks he can do what he wants and everything baby related is on you because “you wanted a baby”. It takes two to tango and unless you tricked him into having this baby he is just as much responsible for it as you are.

People need to stop making excuses for these types of men like “they don’t bond as fast as we do” “they’re clueless” “they don’t realise how hard it is” etc. This is bullsh*t. They do realise, they just don’t care. Men are not idiots who need guiding to be a decent partner and father. Stop making excuses for your partner’s shitty behaviour. They know that waking up multiple times a night to feed and change a baby is exhausting, they know that staying at home every day and night with the baby instead of hanging out with friends isn’t fun, that’s why they avoid doing that stuff themselves and leave it all to you. 

We need to stop infantilising men and making excuses for their crappy behaviour, men are not clueless children who need guiding to be decent human beings. Any idiot knows that it’s hard work looking after a baby, even more so if you’re working full time, and they know they should do their fair share, if they don’t it’s because they don’t want to plain and simple. 

 

 

Post # 60
Member
1251 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

He sounds like a selfish ass. After how hard you’ve been working and all that you’ve been sacrificing, if he tried to go on a trip for fun right after my baby was born I would tell him to not bother coming home.

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