Husband going on trips leaving me and newborn at home

posted 1 year ago in Babies
Post # 61
Member
1041 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

beebee19 :  I wouldn’t say you don’t deserve the break but I would say that it may be a physical impossibility for you to get away without the baby. My son is 9 months old and only now can I leave him for a max of 4 hours. At 2-3 months he was still feeding every 1-2 hours with no predictability. That being said, I’m in Canada so there was no rush to have him take a bottle.

Men are silly and hopefully yours smartens up. The first year is incredibly challenging and will be much worse if you have a second man child to take care of and feel like the “work” isn’t being distributed evenly. Let him have the hiking trip, ex nay the bachelor party.

Post # 62
Member
775 posts
Busy bee

Bee, I am a new mom, my daughter just turned 5 months old, and there is literally no way that I would have felt okay with being alone with a newborn that soon after having a baby. I know lots of women do it but I honestly don’t know how. I was SO exhausted for weeks after I delivered. I did hemorhage so I think that’s part of it, but it’s also emotionally taxing and labor is so physically hard too. I love my daughter more than life itself but some days I would count the hours before my husband came home from work so I could get a break. I can’t imagine him leaving so soon after the baby comes, regardless of whether he’s been waiting so long for a tag or not. It would be a hell no in our household.

 

As far as a trip by yourself, if you feel up to it, go for it! I haven’t left my daughter yet overnight but I have a very involved husband and haven’t felt the need to. I definitely don’t think there’s anything wrong with it at all! If you’re breastfeeding you can pump while you’re gone and the baby can take a bottle. I don’t think it’s fair that he thinks it’s okay that he leaves but not okay that you leave and I wonder if that’s an indicator of how much he expects to be taking care of his child. I think it’s important to have these convos now beccause once baby comes things get a million times harder.

ETA – we introduced a bottle at 4 weeks and it was a life saver. My daughter never had issues with breastfeeding though so I know that can make a difference, but seriously, getting a break from being the only one who could feed her was a game changer 

Post # 63
Member
322 posts
Helper bee

jjbeebee :  Men are silly and hopefully yours smartens up

I think he is already smart enough…

Post # 64
Member
68 posts
Worker bee

I would absolutely feel angry about this, but I am trying to think about what would be most “effective” in communicating with him and bringing about a desired outcome. If you tell him he can’t go anywhere, it sounds like he will be resentful, pout, and be no help at all, and just guilt trip you. But what if you can get him to miss one of the trips?

Maybe you could start a conversation and tell him you aren’t comfortable with him being gone when you have a new baby and ask him not to go on either trip. But REALLY, you ultimately let him pick ONE trip to go on. That way it is a compromise, and he can feel like he gets a say in this by choosing one trip. And also, definitely get away for a day to yourself, even if he won’t watch the baby (which would be disappointing for sure!) but have a friend or family watch him/her.

Good luck to you, I’m sorry you are dealing with this!

Post # 65
Member
6834 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

ariesscientist :  ๐Ÿ™Œ ๐Ÿ™Œ ๐Ÿ™Œ ๐Ÿ™Œ ๐Ÿ™Œ

One more time for the people in the back! 

Post # 66
Member
1677 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

beebee19 :  I’m back again, to add that I asked my Darling Husband for his opinion since he’s also a level 9 obsessed hunter.  We’ve fought about his hunting time before, and he once left for a trip the day after I had a pretty serious medical emergency (in hospital for a few days and just returned home, still sore) because otherwise he’d be “letting his buddies down”.

He said he would probably go on the first trip, cut it down to maybe 5 days if possible but if not, he would really want to go for the 8 days.  8 years is a long time to be waiting for tags.  He said however there is no way he would also go to the bachelor, that’s way too much time away from the new baby and postpartum wife. 

Being an avid hunter is no excuse to not be there when your family needs you.  Family comes first. 

Post # 67
Member
652 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

tiffanybruiser :  if that’s how the USA system is, then that sucks big time. I personally don’t see it as ideal that such young babies are in day care. I personally would not choose to have a baby with the timing and situation as it is with OP. If I knew that the leave situation was so dire and my partner was so selfish and unsupportive  (he has already said SHE was the one who wanted to be pregnant, implying he has washed his hands  of any responsibility),  I wouldnt do it and I was curious to know why she did. If you find that ignorant and judgemental, so be it.  Everyone has an opinion and are entitled to it. I’m pretty tired of people playing the ‘judgemental’ card when they are literally asking for opinions/judgements. Sorry if my feelings make you defensive.

Post # 68
Member
425 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

ozbee :  I agree with tiffany that your comment is pretty offensive to women in general.  Women are capable of having busy careers and raising a family.  Not every woman wants to sacrifice her career to raise kids.  Some women are more driven in their careers and don’t plan to stay at home for an extended period of time.  I actually think OPs timing is perfect.  She has finished graduate school and will be starting her new position after maternity leave.  It works out perfectly.  And honestly, sometimes the timing isn’t always perfect and never will be but we make it work.  The ONLY issue I see here is that OP’s husband has a very selfish outlook on his role in parenting and that needs to be changed ASAP.  I do wonder if her husand has always had this perspective and then I would scratch my head as to why someone would procreate with someone who is selfish and not supportive of their partner’s needs.

Post # 69
Member
2907 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

beebee19 :  he’s being a selfish asshat of course.  If you put your footdown and refuse no doubt he will sulk like the child he is. However this is important,  *you* are important too. Tell him to suck it up. You get a vacay too or he does not…

 ps I suspect this is not new behavior on his part,  stop allowing him to walk all over you.

Post # 70
Member
2473 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

KiwiDerbyBride :  chiming in on this one because my friend just had her baby over a month early and obviously it was unexpected.  Nothing could have prepared her or the dad for it. Baby was due July 26 and was born June 14th. She stayed in the hospital for 10 days and had an emergeny C-Section that she was put to sleep for and baby is still in the hospital and it’s an hr from where they live. While I understand that this is usually not the rule, but an exception, nothing can fully prepare you and you never know what could happen,especially  to be planning trips based on post partum expectations.

Post # 71
Member
7765 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

ozbee :  If you’re tired of people pulling the “judgmental card” on you, maybe that says something about the type of comments you tend to make on here. Yes we’re all entitled to our opinions, and mine is that your opinion is extremely out of touch and judgmental toward women who live in a different country than you and aren’t afforded the same privileges you presumably are. It’s great that you wouldn’t have a baby with such a dire leave situation as the OP, but for many Americans that is their reality, and waiting for their “leave situation” to improve would mean waiting until retirement to have a baby, which is biologically impossible. 

I guess I just don’t understand what the point of a comment like “I’m curious why you got pregnant in the first place” is? Does it make you feel better to shit on someone who’s already down and facing a really bleak situation in her marriage? Is there something productive you hope to achieve with such a remark?

Post # 72
Member
2384 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

ozbee :  If Americans women wait to have a kid until they don’t have to send their kid to daycare at 3 months, the vast majority of women would either have to quit their job and be unemployed, or never have a child. You are really out of touch with the way it is here in the good ol US of A. I know we would all love to have 12 months of paid maternal leave more than just about anything, so no need to rub it in…

Post # 73
Member
309 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

 Not ok!

Post # 74
Member
1849 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

I think your husband has a problem here, but honestly I don’t think it is the trips.  I think it is his attitude.  He has a hunting trip he has been waiting for for 8 years, and a bachelor party trip for someone who is likely a very close friend, since he is the best man.  If it was my husband, I would give him my blessing to do these, but I would expect he would be doing everything he could to make up for the extra work/stress it would put on me.

My husband travels for his job, and went out of the country for a week a couple times when our daughter was young.  It wasn’t terrible.  On one hand, I had to do everything by myself.  On the other hand, if my daughter woke up at 3am, I could just snuggle with her and watch tv in our bed without worrying about my husband having to go to work with no sleep.

Regardless, he doesn’t get to tell you what you will or will not want.  Neither can we.  Lots of moms don’t want to travel away from their breastfed infant.  Lots of moms also can’t or don’t breastfeed.  You might want a get away without your child.  You might want a get away with your child.  You might just want him to use some time off to take care of things in the house so you can relax at home.  He should be willing to do whatever you end up wanting, because he will owe you one for all the trips he is taking.  And he shouldn’t be a brat about your concerns. (For what its worth, I have only spent one night away from my daughter so far and she is about to turn two.  But I pretty much knew I wouldn’t like leaving her back when I was pregnant.  The person who can best predict how you will feel is you.  And if you change your mind, he should still want to do whatever it is that gives you a chance to relax and enjoy yourself!)

ETA: And just to be clear, this is all assuming everything goes well with you and the baby.  If there are complications and one of you is not well, I would expect him to cancel any trips planned when he is needed at home.

Post # 75
Member
652 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

 

tiffanybruiser :  I think you are overly defensive and probably need to chill. I’m not judging anyone by giving my personal opinion. I do get curious about why people make the choices they do and that’s why I commented that. The OP also indicated that her partner has done whatever he wants for 14 years and appears to be generally selfish and maybe not fully into having the baby. So that makes me curious why someone would choose that. 

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