Husband going on trips leaving me and newborn at home

posted 1 year ago in Babies
Post # 76
Member
203 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

 I agree that I think the problem is your husbands attitude. He sounds like an unsupportive jerk. You also sound a bit jealous of his “freedom”, which isn’t uncommon with moms, especially first time moms.  The trips wouldn’t bother me. One was planned well in advance and the other is a bachelor party for what I would assume is a best friend. The trips are a little long. A weekend would be more appropriate. When I was on mat leave with my first my super supportive husband had the odd weekend away for work, best friends bachelor party, and the annual guys weekend cottage trip. However, he was ALWAYS available by phone in case of emergency and would only leave if I was comfortable. He also would never deny me a night out, if I wanted one. If I had complications from birth or if our baby needed extra care he would prioritize this over anything else. Hopefully your husband will become more supportive when the baby arrives. Doesn’t sound promising but really don’t know him. 

No one can tell you how you’re going to feel about being away, even for a evening, from your baby. Do what you need to do for your sanity. From my personal experience I wasn’t interested in being away from my baby. I was also lucky to be able to breastfeed but my daughter refused to take a bottle so I couldn’t really leave her for very long until she was able to eat solids. 

Post # 77
Member
1891 posts
Buzzing bee

The stigma that women are obligated to spend every waking minute with their child shouldn’t be encouraged. If she wants to get away for a day or two I don’t care if the baby is 1 week old, she should be allowed to do that and have the father step up and take care of the baby. The father is equally responsible, and we need to be normalizing that expectation if we expect these anti-female old age beliefs and stigmas to dissapear. To have moms shame other moms, women shame other women? Not ok. Every father should be just as comfortable taking care of a newborn alone as the mother is. And with the first child I am pretty sure both mom and dad would be just as nervous and learning. Men dont get a “its too hard or scary” pass.  If a woman can do it, so can a man. 

Bee I think you should just go ahead and plan whatever fun outing you would like to go on and give him the dates. Maybe have your mom on backup if she lives nearby in case she is needed. But it is 100% fair that you get a trip if he gets a trip. It is 2018 in case he didn’t notice. Make that abundantly clear before you all get into a pattern with this baby where you are doing all the work. Set your boundaries clear now. 

Post # 78
Member
704 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

So, I feel like I can comment pretty well on this because I’m married to a hardcore hunter and fisherman. He also does tracking during hunting season, and was a charter fisherman for many years, so obsessed doesn’t even cover it. I also have a 9 month old…so, that means he was born in October…yea. And with the tracking, that extends hunting season significantly because it covers every type (gun/bow/various animals/etc)

My husband didn’t do any long overnight trips like that, however he did go out tracking at all hours of the night when our LO was newborn. It caused a ton of friction between us. There’s also the added emotional toll of being postpartum, so I went through the motions of crying because I felt abandoned to crying because I felt like I hated my husband, etc. I probably would’ve allowed him to go on the hunting trip knowing how hard those tags can be to get. The bachelor party would’ve been a big no for me.

I also had hoped my husband would step up to the plate when the baby arrived, and realize that 2017 just wouldn’t be his year for hunting. The experience was a bit backwards of my expectations. At first he was awful–more selfish than ever. It was like he wanted to push the boundaries because he wanted to prove he still had freedom. He also didn’t get the same kind of instant connection with the baby that I got. Things now are totally different because our son is super interactive, and he is an equal contributor when it comes to parenting, but it took a lot of time.

So…long story short, the beginning was super rough and now we’re doing way better. You can’t even prepare for the kind of changes you’ll experience in your relationship. There came a point about 3 weeks after my son was born that I flat out told my husband I was leaving within 24 hours if things didn’t change. That was finally the thing that scared him because he realized I wasn’t just saying that, I meant it. Things were pretty crazy for a while.

One thing I did find though–a lot of the tit for tat stuff is less important once your baby arrives. You’re not going to be as concerned with getting a night away if your husband gets a night away. I just spent my first full night away from my son and it was so hard, and I have no desire to do it again for a while…so your feelings about that kind of stuff might change.

Post # 79
Member
1204 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2015 - Malibou Lake Mountain Club

beebee19 :  he sounds awful. my husband is umimpressed by him and his first response was “get a new husband.”

this is a partnership!!! you deserve self care and a break!!! we just had our first son 5 months ago and i can tell you honestly, my husband’s support kept me sane. he took time off in the beginning and days that i needed him home more (had an emergency c section and also newborns are TTOOOUUUGHHHHH). i went back to work 2 weeks ago and now he has him for the next 2 months.

we switch off time away (go for a coffee, a walk) to just breath and recouperate. he needs to remember being a new parent is not a solo thing. 

Post # 80
Member
1080 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

beebee19 :  hey! I know that you have had a ton of responses…. your husband is being selfish and clueless and the combo is going to be a nightmare for your relationship once the baby arrives.  I am friends with some moms with similar minded partners, who did not get that they were expected to be a parent too, and the best advice these women got was to make him do solo time with the baby.  Real solo time and not having a relative or friend swoop in to help him. Let him see first hand how much work it takes, and let them bond.  

You also can’t plan how labor will go.  Labor and postpartum were much harder for me than being pregnant.  20 something hours of labor plus tearing plus a pelvis injury…. i could not walk or stand or sit or shower go get to the toilet unassisted.  Which means when our newborn cried every hour for food, I could not physically get him – my husband had to do everything and help me emotionally cope with feeling like a useless mother.  N9t to mention having housegets over l!  While that isnt normal for most women, and I do not mean to scare you, do not underestimate the physical toll labor and the postpartum period.  Get your village ready for when he is on that hunting trip.  As for the bachelor trip…. I’m still trying to get over that HE planned a 5 day bachelor trip at 3 months? I hate to break it to you, but the 3 week growth spurt/clusterfeeding and 3 month spurt are no joke. 

There are obviously bigger issues that the two of you need to face in terms of parenting roles, and it is completely reasonable for you to want some me time.  In the beginning, me time for uninterrupted showers or being able to have a morning off from baby care. Or a day when he does all the washing (no sink sundays!).  Then come the spa days (sooooo nice). Then the nights out and the weekend trips.  You should feel so accomplished with all the work you have done, and do not let anyone diminish that. I liked a pps comment about having him get the real deal about newborn life from friends with kids.  And if not that, write out task list and break that shit up between you. You would be surprised how much of an issue being expected to cook dinner and the dishes and put the diaper bag together for daycare can end up being.  Roles and tasks change, but splitting up work between the two of you should be done together. 

Post # 82
Member
322 posts
Helper bee

I don’t understand the “men don’t get that instant bond with babies” explanation.

Many, many mothers don’t feel a deep connection with their newborns, but they still take care of them. They don’t act as they have no responsibility as a parent.

Just as single fathers are perfectly capable of taking care of a newborn, they don’t hand him over to granny/auntie and come back two-three years later when their child is more “interesting”.

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