Husband going too far?

posted 2 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 136
Member
1512 posts
Bumble bee

He may not know he’s pressuring you, if you are feeling that way and don’t tell him. 

Perhaps he’s just hoping to explore your sexlife. If you agree and don’t protest,  he probably thinks you are ok. 

Are you? Not to defend him but trying anything new can be weird and intimidating at first. It’s all in how it’s handled, and if you don’t like it you can always decide once was enough. 

Maybe you need to just have a delicate talk.  Let him know you are OK with some exploring but it feels too much too soon?

Maybe slow it  down. Once a month you guys try something new, your idea this month, his the next?  And anyone can veto or backup anytime…

The respect and caring matters alot. I experiment  alot with my fh, I’ve done things I’m not into because I know he is, but it is my choice. I like to give him little bonuses he appreciates. But he is very respectful and loving. If there is something I don’t like I tell him. 

 

Post # 137
Member
11094 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

elliebee357 :  

So glad you brought up revenge porn.  It’s real and there are no limits.  Once a pic is online, there’s no stopping it. No way exists to control where it goes.

Definitely sexual abuse.  No one can do anything about the husband. The real issue is what is going on inside OP that is causing her to allow this kind of treatment.

Post # 138
Member
1512 posts
Bumble bee

Man I just read all the updates. He is clueless… I’d insist you two see a sex therapist together. His attitudes are not healthy and his preoccupation  is concerning to me, who knows where he may go from here. Hugs. 

Post # 139
Member
1584 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

elainescott :  He’s shown me some videos of women taking it in their bottom and they all do manage it, though some seem to struggle when it first goes in. But he says that given that they manage then I ought to carry on trying. 

NO

Post # 140
Member
1584 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

elainescott :  I have to agree with everyone else’s comments. All of his “requests” are extremely degrading to you and “elevate” him. He even acknowledged it! This isn’t healthy, and frankly I think he sounds like a terrible and disrespectful partner. He clearly doesn’t care how you feel or what makes you happy in the bedroom. 

FWIW – you will get 0 pleasure out of anal. Women aren’t built in a way that allows them to enjoy it, so again. 1000% just for him to get his jollies off while you painfully submit to him. 

Like PP said, this is not a relationship I could be in. And there are plenty of men out there who are not selfish and want to please their wives. 

Post # 141
Member
1660 posts
Bumble bee

Sound to me that he gets off on having you do things you aren’t comfortable with. He likes the power of getting you to agree. This will only get increasingly worse. Don’t pose for photos – he will be able to use those to control you. 

Post # 142
Member
3538 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

OP this is terrible. 

Your husband is abusive and you are convinced that it’s acceptable and that you have to allow this kind of degrading treatment to go on. 

You do not. 

None of the things he has pushed you to “try” are things that any good and respectful partner would want their partner to do FOR them. These are the kinds of submissive acts that can be very satisfying with an enthusiastic and consenting partner, but are completely degrading and abusive when pushed on someone who does not actively enjoy it. 

The fact that he has consistently escalated his “requests”, as well as continued to push you to do things you have explicitly stated that you do not like and feel uncomfortable with is horrifying and it is textbook abuse. Please see it for what it is. 

This isn’t him just asking you to wear a sexy outfit now and then or talk a little dirty to him. He is asking you to physically alter your body in painful ways to make him feel powerful. That is just… So fucked up. 

You do NOT need to wax your body if you do not like waxing your body. He has NO right to expect you to or to make you feel bad about saying no. 

And you sure as fuck do NOT need to actively stretch your rectum because he wants to put his dick in it, despite you being extremely uncomfortable with it. What the HELL?! And him showing you porn videos of other women having anal sex and basically telling you you’re not trying hard enough to take it is incredibly manipulative and abusive. Gross gross GROSS!!! 

Post # 143
Member
3093 posts
Sugar bee

libellules :  that is not entirely true…it can be pleasurable for a woman (but that obviously doesn’t matter if the OP is not comfortable with it).

  

 

Post # 144
Member
3093 posts
Sugar bee

OP, you are not his property.  You do not have to submit to his fantasies.  Please do not allow him to convince you that you need to take photos spreading your legs for his pleasure.  

This is not even about compromise at this point.  

Post # 145
Member
279 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

sharpshooter :  was just about to say this too. 

 

OP this is coercive control and your husband manipulating you. He is systematically wearing you down and making you do things that you don’t want to do and that hurt or demean you. This is not okay. At all. Please read about coercive control online. 

Your husband will not stop here. As you’ve found out, he will not take no for an answer and is disrespectful of your boundaries. He will keep going, pushing your boundaries further until you submit to whatever he wants. It sounds like he’s grooming you. 

Please leave this relationship, and get therapy to help you understand why you submit yourself to your husband’s degrading treatment of you. I feel it’s almost certain that he’s manipulating you in other ways in your relationship too. Please get out of this relationship, you deserve to be treated better than this. 

Post # 146
Member
314 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

If he keeps pushing you to do things you’re not comfortable with, try to turn it around on him.

 

buy a 6″ strap on dildo and tell your husband you have a fantasy of your own.  You want to try pegging.  Bet he changes his tune right quick like.

Post # 147
Member
1247 posts
Bumble bee

” If you wanted a sexual plaything you could manipulate and make demands from then you married the wrong person. I am not a toy. I have had enough. I am supposed to listen to you in the bedroom but you are not listening to me and just keep pushing. You are indulging in fantasies that I am finding not only uncomfortable but repugnant. You bullying and pressure is concerning me about the future of our relationship.”

Big “No” to the pictures. No in principal because you plain just don’t want to and “No” for other reasons. I have huge reservations not only because of revenge porn but I think the people that take these pics may keep copies and who knows where they end up?

Work on saying an outright ” No. End of discussion” and go see a counsellor. This is not a healthy relationship Bee.

Post # 148
Member
4533 posts
Honey bee

This is a problem when you marry a porn addict. Your husband doesnt seem to understand that the women online aren’t doing these things because they enjoy them; they’re doing them to earn a paycheck. It’s not real. In a real relationship you do things both of you like sexually. You’re not his to turn into some live porn fucktoy while telling yourself this is some sort of marital compromise. 

Absolute no to the photos, because he has proven himself to be sexually untrustworthy. While there exists the possibility of revenge porn, my more immediate concern is that he will share your photos online with others. In fact I’d put money on it. 

Post # 149
Member
1560 posts
Bumble bee

elainescott :  I’ve been reading this thread and have been trying to think of how to respond for awhile now. Your update makes me so, so sad. 

I developed at a pretty early age. I attracted a lot of sexual attention because of that. I often heard boys bragging about doing this or that with me, or they drew pictures of me naked. Since there was so much focus on my sexuality I somehow got this idea that this could be a positive thing, and that this was something I should be good at. So when I became sexually active I did a lot of research and I tried to be as pleasing as possible. I tried my fair share of things. Did I enjoy it? Well, not so much. There were definitely things I disliked doing. However, I enjoyed making men happy and hearing compliments.  

Then, when I was around 30, I was dating a new partner. He was extremely attractive, fun, cool…I was a bit in awe of him. And he told me, “Stop acting like you are in a porn”. Just like that. It shocked me. And from that, I realized that most of the stuff you see in porn isn’t actually that sexy. It was a new way of thinking. I grew to believe that the sexiest thing a woman can be is herself. Without artifice, or acting, or giving in to others. When I realized that I stopped doing so much for the sake of others. I stopped altering my body to please others. I focused on myself and what I liked. And I found so much freedom, and acceptance of myself, and more enjoyment in sexuality than I ever had before. 

There are things I have done with other men that I don’t really want to do with my husband, because I realize I don’t like it and I never really did. There are things we have done before in the past that I don’t really want to do anymore. There are things I am willing to do in the future but it’s not something I’m in the right frame of mind to do now. He is accepting of all of that and never pushes for anything I don’t want. He would be sickened to know I wasn’t enjoying something. Many other women on here have expressed the same sort of relationship dynamic. 

Your husband wants to demean women. As kind as he might be in his daily life, he finds humiliating women to be arousing. He defines being strong and powerful by putting someone down. That isn’t sexy. That’s bullying in the best case, or an indicator of something infinitely more dangerous and scary at the worst. And to be clear – it is not the actual act that is worrying, as others have said. It is the fact that YOU DON’T WANT IT. I would bet anything that your reluctance and discomfort is part of the appeal for him. In this most intimate sphere, regardless of his behavior elsewhere, he wants to and enjoys control and abuse. 

I’m telling you this, the same as the other bees are telling you, and I hope that someone is able to get through to you – YOU DO NOT HAVE TO DO THIS. Your body is yours, it’s not something to barter. Sex is not something you EVER need to compromise on. Being a good wife and partner does not entail giving up your comfort to please someone else. It does not require degrading yourself. It does not require altering your body. It does not require participation in acts you do not enjoy.

PLEASE STOP. TODAY. IMMEDIATELY. 

Post # 150
Member
3538 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

strawberrysakura :  

“He would be sickened to know I wasn’t enjoying something.”

“Your reluctance and discomfort is part of the appeal for him.”

You are bang on with both of these comments. My fiance would be utterly horrified if he realized that something he was doing was uncomfortable or painful for me. He has stopped mid-bone several times to ask if I’m ok because I winced ever so slightly for half a second. Because he is a caring partner who prioritizes my pleasure and my well-being above everything else – like a partner is supposed to. 

As for OPs husband – I think you completely on the money regarding what the actual turn on is for him. 

In a healthy BDSM relationship, the turn on is the trust and vulnerability required to participate in those kinds of acts. In this relationship, unfortunately, the turn on is the humiliation and degradation that he is able to inflict. 

This isn’t about mismatched sexual needs or desires. This is a man who actively takes pleasure in seeing his wife degraded, humiliated and uncomfortable. This is a man who has made a game out of seeing how far he can push her and what he get her to do. It’s absolutely disgusting and absolutely, 100% abusive. 

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