elainescott : I’ve been reading this thread and have been trying to think of how to respond for awhile now. Your update makes me so, so sad.
I developed at a pretty early age. I attracted a lot of sexual attention because of that. I often heard boys bragging about doing this or that with me, or they drew pictures of me naked. Since there was so much focus on my sexuality I somehow got this idea that this could be a positive thing, and that this was something I should be good at. So when I became sexually active I did a lot of research and I tried to be as pleasing as possible. I tried my fair share of things. Did I enjoy it? Well, not so much. There were definitely things I disliked doing. However, I enjoyed making men happy and hearing compliments.
Then, when I was around 30, I was dating a new partner. He was extremely attractive, fun, cool…I was a bit in awe of him. And he told me, “Stop acting like you are in a porn”. Just like that. It shocked me. And from that, I realized that most of the stuff you see in porn isn’t actually that sexy. It was a new way of thinking. I grew to believe that the sexiest thing a woman can be is herself. Without artifice, or acting, or giving in to others. When I realized that I stopped doing so much for the sake of others. I stopped altering my body to please others. I focused on myself and what I liked. And I found so much freedom, and acceptance of myself, and more enjoyment in sexuality than I ever had before.
There are things I have done with other men that I don’t really want to do with my husband, because I realize I don’t like it and I never really did. There are things we have done before in the past that I don’t really want to do anymore. There are things I am willing to do in the future but it’s not something I’m in the right frame of mind to do now. He is accepting of all of that and never pushes for anything I don’t want. He would be sickened to know I wasn’t enjoying something. Many other women on here have expressed the same sort of relationship dynamic.
Your husband wants to demean women. As kind as he might be in his daily life, he finds humiliating women to be arousing. He defines being strong and powerful by putting someone down. That isn’t sexy. That’s bullying in the best case, or an indicator of something infinitely more dangerous and scary at the worst. And to be clear – it is not the actual act that is worrying, as others have said. It is the fact that YOU DON’T WANT IT. I would bet anything that your reluctance and discomfort is part of the appeal for him. In this most intimate sphere, regardless of his behavior elsewhere, he wants to and enjoys control and abuse.
I’m telling you this, the same as the other bees are telling you, and I hope that someone is able to get through to you – YOU DO NOT HAVE TO DO THIS. Your body is yours, it’s not something to barter. Sex is not something you EVER need to compromise on. Being a good wife and partner does not entail giving up your comfort to please someone else. It does not require degrading yourself. It does not require altering your body. It does not require participation in acts you do not enjoy.
PLEASE STOP. TODAY. IMMEDIATELY.