bridetobe2018 : What I was suggesting to the op, was to research what she was and was not comfortable with if you actually READ what I posted was that she should have a serious conversation outside of the bedroom after researching what she was and was not comfortable with sexually so she could provide her husband with a clear and defined list of what her boundaries are, that they could discuss and explore together. If she never actually reinforces her no and states boundaries and makes him follow them, then we will hear from the bee in 6 months to a year that her husband is now having other forms of rough or BDSM sex with her and she just can’t say no and it hurts, or she ends up hospitalized, because he doesn’t know what he’s doing and ends up hurting her accidentally.
If she doesn’t actually do any research and talk to her husband she will get absolutely no where and then wonder why someone who prefers BDSM and is forcing that lifestyle on her isn’t respecting her choices and wishes, because she hasn’t bothered to get herself a single piece of sexual education for how to approach this in a healthy way with him. That healthy way for her might be to straight up say, it’s vanilla sex only or I’m gone. If she doesn’t want to explore any of it, that’s her choice, and it’s a choice most make. She might decide that there are things she does want to explore with him, but she wants to do them safely. The only way you figure any of that out is buy researching and educating yourself.
She doesn’t have to experiment in any way if she doesn’t want to. There may be some things she’s happy exploring and others that make her feel physically sick to think about. But unless she actually goes out and learns what her preferences are so she can discuss her preferences with her partner in a calm rational and educated manner she will end up in a worse situation unless she out and out leaves.
I understand the very large majority of women do not enjoy the sexual preferences I have. I also have been with men who are like this, who hide behind a mask of vanilla sex until you feel secure and then push boundaries, without having a clue exactly how much damage they’re doing to your trust, love and respect for them. There is nothing wrong with vanilla sex at all, each woman should be free to choose her own sexual identity.
But here is the part that someone who doesn’t actively participate in a BDSM lifestyle will not understand, is that this is most likely a part of who he is. Doms are a dom for a reason, and often this isn’t a switch they can turn off long term in a non BDSM relationship. It may be based on porn, but it appears to be hugely about control. He may be happy to have vanilla sex, but the most likely consequence is that this marriage would break down based on long term sexual incompatibility.
Someone who is not into this lifestyle is often times a horrible fit for someone who does want to have this lifestyle, especially if they have zero interest in exploring being a submissive even lightly. Long term it doesn’t work, the dynamics don’t work. However a hybrid of the two done healthily and well can certainly work well. OP doesn’t have to change who she is, but she does need to have a conversation once she understands more of what her husbands preferences lead to in an educated way to understand what he needs to be sexually satisfied, as well as what she needs to be sexually satisfied.
And yes, I of course enjoy Anal sex, I also didn’t start off that way.
I also enjoy being a submissive in a BDSM relationship. I’m always happy to educate someone who wants to understand more about the lifestyle I’ve chosen. That does not mean that I advocate for anyone to make a choice that is not the best choice for them. This is not a choice that is right for everyone and should never be undertaken by anyone with out first understanding how it works and extensively researching. As well as of course a huge amount of communication with their partner if they have one.
If you don’t want to hear about me discuss options with OP for a healthy way to address this than ignore me. Nothing I’ve said has a single thing to do with you, your sexuality or your relationship. And frankly if you can’t handle someone discussing this openly as an adult trying to educate a fellow adult, just leave me alone.