Husband going too far?

posted 2 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 61
Member
234 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2019

bridetobe2018 :  actually no I’m not joking. I did do this with a partner who was adamant about trying different things. I bought myself a very nice red leather harness and two dongs to go with it.  I penetrated him before I ever let him do it too me. I needed him to know what it felt like instead of what it just felt like to him being the one with the penis. 

Anal sex happens. Many people participate in it. Many men and women enjoy it. I personally don’t think scaring people with deaths from it is necessary. If she is adamant she isn’t comfortable with it, the op needs to put her foot down. Most men want to try it. I don’t find it surprising in the least. The fact that he keeps pushing her limits without care for her is concerning though.

Post # 62
Member
274 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2019

Oooof. Bee. I agree with a lot of people here. Sounds like he’s exploring some BDSM stuff. I’m not into BDSM myself, so I may not be the best source on it, but as far as I know, he isn’t progressing into it correctly. He doesn’t have consent from you. 

“Is this normal” isn’t really the right question, because all of this is perfectly fine and acceptable if both parties consent. But you didn’t consent, and please voice that firmly. “Is it okay for my husband to sneak BDSM into the bedroom and push my boundaries without my consent?” Is your question. And that answer is no. I’m curious as to what your sex life was before marriage? Did you know about his preferences, or did that come up after marriage? If so that strikes me as dishonest. 

Benefit of the doubt to your husband, maybe he is mimicking something he saw on porn and really doesn’t know the nuances of a healthy BDSM relationship. If that’s the case, that might be a good starting point. Backpedal and work out your roles, your boundaries, safe words, and learn how to progress correctly. If he’s a caring and loving man he will respond positively to that. 

If he continues to push your boundaries without your consent, sex therapy or marraige counseling might be in order.

Post # 63
Member
667 posts
Busy bee

I believe there is nothing wrong with doing what you love in the bedroom. Whatever it may be. But on another note… this is proof why porn has gotten way out of control.

A lot of it is getting way too abusive and with a “non consensual” theme to it. My SO rarely if ever watches porn. I would assume never based on our lifestyle and schedules. If he came to me with ideas (I would assume they came from porn) I would try to work with it or think about it first. But if he comes to me and outright does things without my full consent I would be disturbed and know he has probably been watching some pretty abusive porn. And that would literally scare me too. I associate it almost with rape fantasies.

Porn can be brutal. I think he might be into some pretty rough stuff (the non consensual crap). I’d sit down and let him know that this stuff isn’t real and the woman probably doesn’t enjoy it. Its her job. Its an act. These people are rarely couples and he needs to slow his roll.

Watch “hot girls wanted” on Netflix.

Post # 64
Member
404 posts
Helper bee

I’m sorry you are going through this, Bee. Your husband is definitely going too far. He is not respecting your boundaries. Continually asking for things you have told him you are not interested in trying and that are painful to you is absolutely not okay. I would be very upset if I said no to something and my man came home with toys and pressured me into trying them out and continually escalating it further. 

You are well within your rights to sit him down outside of the bedroom and let him know that he needs to stop when you say no and that he’s asked several times about the anal and that you have said no and that is exactly what you mean- no to him bringing home more toys, no to him continually asking about it and no to him continually pressuring for more. Additionally I would ask him about his pornography viewing habits. If you find it hard to talk to him about this or if he continues to push boundaries and pressure you, I would recommend seeing a neutral party like a counsellor or therapist together. From my reading of your story, he has already pushed things without your consent and that is a very seriously wrong thing for him to have done. He needs to know that this is serious and maybe hearing it from a 3rd party will help him to understand that. 

Post # 65
Member
1755 posts
Buzzing bee

missjabbee :  My FH point blank told me he would never ask me to do something that he wouldn’t be comfortable doing himself. If what I needed was to use a strap on with him, then he would gladly go out and buy one for us to use and he would have anal before we would touch me. I said no, I just wanted to make sure we took anal slowly. Anytime we’ve sat talking outisde of bed about any of our fantasies and things we want to try, he’s always volunteered to have them done to him first. That is how a healthy BDSM relationship works. 

A big part of me really wants my Dom of an FH, to talk some serious sense into OPs husband. 

Post # 66
Member
87 posts
Worker bee

My boyfriend bugs me for butt sex all of the time, but it’s not happening for him ever. I tell him if he lets me shove a dildo up his ass, then he can shove it in mine. That usually shuts him up. 😉 Seriously though, start making equally rediculous requests from him and he’ll get the picture. “Sure, I’ll do anal when you buy me a yacht, since rich men are my fetish.” Oh, sounds absurd and unreasonable? Yeah, exactly dear. That’s why this shit is in porn and not real life.

Post # 67
Member
1246 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

DaniGirl03 :  Look, you have made it clear that you like anal and BDSM.  That’s fine.  This isn’t a conversation about justifying anal – it’s one about feeling pressured to do things she doesn’t want to do.  More research is not the answer.  OP said it makes her feel “dirty” and “not normal”. Does that strike you as a consenting partner?  No, it doesn’t.  She doesn’t get off by being put in positions like this and he is not listening.  She has been willing to try some demeaning positions and it is not her thing.  That’s what matters.  

Post # 68
Member
1246 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

missjabbee :  I agree – pushing her limits without listening is the problem here, not anal.  I knew someone in a relationship who was pressured into it in the bedroom, he was forceful, she had hemorrhoids and almost died in the hospital from blood loss and infection.  

When you are dealing with a partner who doesn’t listen these things are possible.  

Post # 69
Member
1755 posts
Buzzing bee

bridetobe2018 :  What I was suggesting to the op, was to research what she was and was not comfortable with if you actually READ what I posted was that she should have a serious conversation outside of the bedroom after researching what she was and was not comfortable with sexually so she could provide her husband with a clear and defined list of what her boundaries are, that they could discuss and explore together. If she never actually reinforces her no and states boundaries and makes him follow them, then we will hear from the bee in 6 months to a year that her husband is now having other forms of rough or BDSM sex with her and she just can’t say no and it hurts, or she ends up hospitalized, because he doesn’t know what he’s doing and ends up hurting her accidentally. 

If she doesn’t actually do any research and talk to her husband she will get absolutely no where and then wonder why someone who prefers BDSM and is forcing that lifestyle on her isn’t respecting her choices and wishes, because she hasn’t bothered to get herself a single piece of sexual education for how to approach this in a healthy way with him. That healthy way for her might be to straight up say, it’s vanilla sex only or I’m gone. If she doesn’t want to explore any of it, that’s her choice, and it’s a choice most make. She might decide that there are things she does want to explore with him, but she wants to do them safely. The only way you figure any of that out is buy researching and educating yourself.

She doesn’t have to experiment in any way if she doesn’t want to. There may be some things she’s happy exploring and others that make her feel physically sick to think about. But unless she actually goes out and learns what her preferences are so she can discuss her preferences with her partner in a calm rational and educated manner she will end up in a worse situation unless she out and out leaves. 

I understand the very large majority of women do not enjoy the sexual preferences I have. I also have been with men who are like this, who hide behind a mask of vanilla sex until you feel secure and then push boundaries, without having a clue exactly how much damage they’re doing to your trust, love and respect for them. There is nothing wrong with vanilla sex at all, each woman should be free to choose her own sexual identity. 

But here is the part that someone who doesn’t actively participate in a BDSM lifestyle will not understand, is that this is most likely a part of who he is. Doms are a dom for a reason, and often this isn’t a switch they can turn off long term in a non BDSM relationship. It may be based on porn, but it appears to be hugely about control. He may be happy to have vanilla sex, but the most likely consequence is that this marriage would break down based on long term sexual incompatibility.

Someone who is not into this lifestyle is often times a horrible fit for someone who does want to have this lifestyle, especially if they have zero interest in exploring being a submissive even lightly. Long term it doesn’t work, the dynamics don’t work. However a hybrid of the two done healthily and well can certainly work well. OP doesn’t have to change who she is, but she does need to have a conversation once she understands more of what her husbands preferences lead to in an educated way to understand what he needs to be sexually satisfied, as well as what she needs to be sexually satisfied.

And yes, I of course enjoy Anal sex, I also didn’t start off that way.

I also enjoy being a submissive in a BDSM relationship. I’m always happy to educate someone who wants to understand more about the lifestyle I’ve chosen. That does not mean that I advocate for anyone to make a choice that is not the best choice for them. This is not a choice that is right for everyone and should never be undertaken by anyone with out first understanding how it works and extensively researching. As well as of course a huge amount of communication with their partner if they have one. 

If you don’t want to hear about me discuss options with OP for a healthy way to address this than ignore me. Nothing I’ve said has a single thing to do with you, your sexuality or your relationship. And frankly if you can’t handle someone discussing this openly as an adult trying to educate a fellow adult, just leave me alone. 

Post # 70
Member
1741 posts
Bumble bee

DaniGirl03 :  I didn’t read your whole post, but why would OP have to research anything? If she doesn’t want to do something, that’s it. She doesn’t need to research why or provide backup or evidence to support her answer.

Post # 71
Member
1246 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

DaniGirl03 :  You are way too defensive.  We all have different views here, and nothing I have said has anything to do with my sexuality.  

I’m spending a lot of time in this thread defending someone I think is in a terrible position and needs support.  You don’t need it and it is not about you. 

Relax. 

Post # 73
Member
1755 posts
Buzzing bee

kristin36890 :  So how exactly do you say no to something in the future if you don’t even know what it is? How do you tell your partner what you are or aren’t comfortable with if you have zero clue about what their sexual interests are? What exactly should the OP do if she sits her husband done and says no anal, none at all and he comes back a month later says he wants to handcuff her up, or do something in a slightly risky situation. Or something more extreme?

If she has at least done some basic research she can have a pretty good idea of what other sorts of things may relate to his preferences. She can have an educated conversation with her partner about what she is or isn’t comfortable with and have the information she needs to know exactly what she wants. They can have the conversation about what else is going on in his head with fantasies, because odds are this is the tip of the iceberg. If he brings up something she doesn’t even know about, how exactly does she address it? She can just say no don’t want to do it, don’t know what it is. Which opens the door to , well if you don’t know what it is why won’t you try it? It appears he’s already worked this with her previously.

Researching BDSM should also help educate her more about how to help pursue it in a healthy way for her to discuss with her husband, if it’s something she does want to explore at all. It puts her in a position where she can have a healthy discussion about what is best for both of them going forward and how they can have a mutually satisfying sexual relationship and set boundaries that work for both of them. But to stick her head in the sand and say no, I don’t think will work in this situation. He’s already pushed her boundaries repeatedly and shown he won’t accept her no, because she hasn’t actually set a clear firm boundary and stuck to it. You set up for people who they can treat you. If she continually lets him coerce her and doesn’t have a discussion about firm and clear boundaries how exactly will he ever stop this pattern of behaviour?

Education and research for her, can mean the difference between a solid conversation that improves things, and helps her get what she needs out of her marriage and sex. Or she can poorly advocate for herself and continue in this unhealthy pattern. If she makes the decision to walk away from her marriage, because this isn’t what she wants but it is what he wants, it’s the right thing for her, but I believe every decision should be made when possible with as much information as possible.

Post # 74
Member
1755 posts
Buzzing bee

bridetobe2018 :  &  kristin36890 :  I’d like to point out something the two of you seem to have missed.

OP specifically requested help from people who have actually been in these situations, she also specifically asked for advice on how to manage expectations! 

I would say that is exactly what my posts have tried to do for OP. I’m addressing OPs specific requests and needs.

Post # 75
Member
1741 posts
Bumble bee

DaniGirl03 :  She says “no” and her husband should respect her answer. Why on earth does OP have to put in so much work to get her point across that she doesn’t want to do something? Her husband should respect her “no” answer and drop it. The issue is not her husband having no idea what she’s comfortable or not with, it’s that he’s not respecting her answers when she gives it. I highly doubt making a list is suddenly going to get him to drop it.

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