- 2 years ago
- Wedding: October 2019 - Chateau Lake Louise
DaniGirl03 : While I understand you are making an earnest attempt to help and inform OP, I wanted to respond to something you said.
“In my opinion it sounds like your from a pretty conservative or religious background. Which is why I’m sure you don’t feel comfortable with a lot of the sexual exploration he is interested in.”
I think that’s a huge leap and frankly insulting to OPs autonomy.
Virtually everything OP has cited as requests her Darling Husband is making that give her pause are related to humiliation/subjugation. She’s gone along with dressing up, role play, and even some minor bondage. I think implying that the OP isn’t enjoying herself just because she’s been conditioned by her background is deeply dismissive of her; it assumes she can’t have formed preferences of her own outside of some externally imposed value system.
“Part of where that comes from for a lot of women is a sexual repression that they’re raised with, that anything beyond the norm for sex or sex for procreation is dirty or demeaning.”
Except that the things at which she is bridling almost all have some element of pain, or objectification involved. He wants full anal, which if executed properly can be enjoyable, but just as often is portayed as punitive. He wants to fuck her face and then come on it, which, again – depersonalizes her into an oriface for him to use and then mark with the evidence of his dominance.
It it irrelevant that these things CAN be enjoyable to some. OP feels they are demeaning. She is made uncomfortable by the request and the implications behind them. This doesn’t means she’s responding that way because of her cultural training. To imply that seems reductionist, at best.
Forgive me, but you seem to be evangelizing for BDSM a bit. I understand feeling like the lifestyle is misunderstood – it absolutely is – and wanting to bring an informed and rational perspective to the discussion. Ultimately, though this may not be your intention, your posts read a bit like you are trying to suggest OP might enjoy it more if she just loosened up. Which is a much milder version of what her Darling Husband is doing.
elainescott : I’m sorry to hear this is the way your Darling Husband reacted to this converation. While I believe you when you say you feel he is a wonderful and supportive husband n other respects, I find his response to you on this suject very troubling.
He is “saying” you come first (incidentally, do you? Does he actually see you have an orgasm, first thing? I’m genuinely curious) but he negates that claim by then going on to whinge about what he’s giving up? What he’s giving up is an opportunity to debase and humiliate you. He’s passing on the chance to coerce you into an activity you find physically and emotionally uncomfortable. He’s disappointed that he can’t just wheedle and push until you relent and do something you don’t want to.
This is such an exceptionally selfish load of bosh.
No one is actually entitled to live out every fantasy. Lots of people don’t even get to go as far as he already has. I think you’ve been incredibly GGG (Good, Giving, and Game) so far, and he has absolutely no right to lay on a guilt trip because you have now reached the outer limits of your boundaries.
If he was so emotionally invested in being able to play out these ideas, it was his responsibility to disclose his hopes and desires on the subject in such a way that you could decide as a couple if you shared a similar sexual value system. That he started to slowly reveal ONLY AFTER YOU WERE MARRIED that he had these proclivities was another way to undermine your ability to say no; now, you have a marriage to keep healthy! If you refuse you are being a bad wife!
It all points to a rather unhealthy perspective toward sex on his part. Such a crucial part of a relationship needs buy in from both people. A set of expectations imposed by one partner as an obligation for the other partner to meet is both inappropriate, and likely to damage the marriage in the long run.
That he responded to your appropriate desire to establish some boundaries by acting resentful – and then trying to sidestep them with an alternative form of physical/emotional degradation – suggests he doesn’t really understand his resposibility to you as his partner. It shows he is focused primarily on securing your capitulation to engage in acts you find unappealing so he can continue to enjoy a certain level of satisfaction, irrespective if you share that pleasure. Which is deeply problematic, and will almost certainly spread to other parts of your relationship.
So far, he’s gotten what he wants from you. It’s not hard to be supportive and kind when you are getting your way. In fact, the Dom indulging the sub for good behavior is an integral part of the ritual. How he may behave once you have begun to assert your right to refuse him certain things, remains to be seen.
Whatever the case, I agree that given his response, some professional intervention might be appropriate. He is either missing the point because he doesn’t have the proper information or perspective, or he is being willfully obtuse and simply hopes you’ll cave with enough pressure.
Either way, it would probably benefit the marriage to have a neutral party with sex therapy experience help guide you both to a place where you feel you each understand your desires. This will give you the best chance of having clarity about expectations and aspirations.
Most people understand knowing you have the same goals for the future is an important part of a happy marriage. I think fewer people realize sexual values is a part of that conversation as well. Having a trained professional help you both identify and communicate those values might be the most effective way to determine if they are really something you share.