Husband going too far?

posted 2 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 106
Member
297 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

teamroro :  This is one of the most articulate, well thought out responses I have read, hands down. Thank you for articulating such a sensitive topic into a logical, coherant and unbiased was. Kudos to you!!

Post # 108
Member
5035 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2017

I am glad you are communicating with your Darling Husband, I just hope you aren’t compromising on things that make you uncomfortable.  In the research you have done online please keep in mind that those women smiling back at the cameras are from the porn industry and it is their jobs to do so with enthusiasm.  It isn’t necessarily an accurate portrayal and porn IMO creates false expectations.

Post # 109
Member
482 posts
Helper bee

j9marie :  I’m glad you (and other posters) brought up porn, because it sounds like the OP’s husband is watching too much of it and getting his ideas from porn.  Real life sex and porn are very different, and he needs to understand the difference.  OP isn’t being paid to smile and be completely accommodating to whatever the guy wants no matter how she feels, no mattter how painful or degrading or uncomfortable or distasteful to her.  OP needs sexual fulfillment, too, not a constant barrage of him pushing her to do things she’s not comfortable with just because he saw it in porn and the porn girls pretended to like it for the movie.

Post # 110
Member
1755 posts
Buzzing bee

OP it sounds like your working on building some healthy boundaries and working on your communication as a couple. Best of luck to both of you, I hope your successful and having that first conversation I know can be hard, but you’ve taken the first step! 

Post # 111
Member
1281 posts
Bumble bee

(i haven’t read all 8 pages of comments)

i don’t think he is asking for anything weird (though i don’t do some of those things myself, they don’t strike me as particularly deviant). it sounds like you are pretty uptight when it comes to sexual exploration and that is totally fine. your preferences are just as valid as his. you’ve been willing to try stuff that is outside your comfort zone because you trust your husband and that is great. you’ve been a really good sport about it up until this point because you want your husband to experience the things he is interested in. thats wonderful. if you’ve reached your limit that doesn’t require any qualifications or justifications on your part. it just means now it is your husband’s turn to be supportive and compromising, just as you have been this whole time. if you don’t want to do it, don’t do it. say “i am not comfortable with doing that. i don’t know that i will ever be comfortable doing that so please do not ask again. i ever feel like it is something i want to try i promise to bring it up with you,”

if he complains, remind him that your body is yours alone and his desires don’t give him any special rights when it comes to performing acts you don’t want to perform. i’d also suggest that he experience the things he is asking of you. let him get his balls waxed and put those butt plugs in his bottom. i had a boyfriend who wanted to try anal, so i pegged him first. he was a perfect gentleman when it was my turn because he knew what was up. #empathy

Post # 112
Member
146 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2018

elainescott :  I feel like you need to tell him to cool it with the extreme pornos. They set unrealistic expectations and cause more conflict than they’re worth.

Post # 113
Member
1042 posts
Bumble bee

elainescott :  Let’s see if you are still smiling if you get it in your eye…. 😩😂 that ish burns. 

Post # 114
Member
1842 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

Shoot4theMoon :  yeah, definitely tell him that he has to warn you before it happens, and close your eyes. That is NOT a risk you want to take. 

Keep in mind that you don’t have to go through with it if you have second thoughts before it happens. We have the right to say no to any sexual encounter, even if we previously agreed to it. 

Post # 115
Member
65 posts
Worker bee

Reading through your responses from your initial post, it sounds like you guys are communicating better. It is 100% ok to explore your sexual desires together, but when something feels wrong or makes you uncomfortable you have every single right to stop it. And he has the responsibility to listen- the first time. You may need to clearly identify that if you say stop or no that the activity ends IMMEDIATELY. We have a safe word for that, because sometimes I say no and mean yes. Sex is tricky and intimate. It is ok if you want “normal romantic sex”. If your desires change and you become curious about things, bring them up to your husband. And when he makes requests, feel free to consider them and say no if it’s not right for you. We sometimes make sacrifices for our husbands, but I feel very strongly it should never be in a sexual way. 

Also, for what it’s worth- it sounds like he needs to lay off on the porn. It will affect your relationship. I’m not morally opposed to it, but if he’s trying to relive porn scenes in the bedroom he will always be sorely disappointed. Porn is fake… love is real. 

Post # 116
Member
1560 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

Shoot4theMoon :  MTE! So scarring. Plus degrading. Never ever again.

Post # 117
Member
8556 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

teamroro :  

Thank you so much for this , it says it all and I think OP wil be grateful for it . 

Post # 118
Member
16 posts
Newbee

asc7377 :  Sorry, but I disagree with you here. She doesn’t have a responsiblity to put her foot down, he has the responsiblity to get consent. Which ideally, should be enthusiatic consent. If she’s saying she’s uncomfortable and doesn’t want to try it, he shouldn’t be going ahead and buying plugs and a ball-and-chain anyways. That just signals that he doesn’t respect her and doesn’t care about her comfort, or at least cares less than he does about getting what he wants, even if it’s at her expense.

Post # 119
Member
59 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

My husband and I do some risque things…. But we both agree to them completely. Fortunately for me…. He thinks anything to do with one’s butthole is gross lol. But maybe tell him you’re uncomfortable with ___ and you’d be more comfortable trying ___.

Post # 120
Member
62 posts
Worker bee

Shoot4theMoon :  bahahaha So I wear contacts, and a very long time ago my partner (at the time) wanted to try this. I am up for trying new things and experimenting. Anyways, so he was doing his thing and he wanted to finish on my face. I was totally up for it but my eyes were open and it like somehow reacted with my contacts, or something, and I looked like I had pink eye for about 24 hours – couldn’t go anywhere lol. So definitely close your eyes lol. 

 

But to OP – even your most recent post scares me a bit. You said you’ve looked up girls letting guys finish on their face and they’re happy and smiling for the camera. They are getting paid to do it – I mean they might genuinely like it, but they’re also getting paid. They’re waxed because that’s what the industry has popularized. If it isn’t for you, and I can’t say this loud enough, DO NOT DO IT. It’s really simple. I do it, personally, because I like it. I have had partners show appreciation for it, but never expectations that I do it. I do it for me – it makes me feel hot and that’s exactly why you should do it. Do you prefer full, and natural? Do it. Slightly trimmed? Do it. Landing strip? Do it. Whatever you like .  .. start there. Now your partner may have other preferences – and we’re all allowed to have those – but you and he have to compromise. So if you don’t like being bare, maybe you stay trimmed? I don’t know – but you need to have those discussions. Communication is crucial in relationships – talk about sex in a non sexual setting. My favourite is while going for a walk in the park . . . it gets us both so worked up and well, you know 😉 ha ha but seriously, have intimate conversations when you are not being physically intimate. 

 

I, personally, feel this won’t end well no matter how many discussions you have with him. I have had my partner surprise me with a new toy BUT we talked about it – at length bahaha – before he bought it. The conversations we had were kind of like “Would you ever try X?” and we talked about it and left it. He wasn’t like on this day, this time we’re doing that. He surprised me by getting it but I had previously said it is something I would try. Your SO brought it up, you said no, and he bought it anyways. Regardless of him being your husband, boyfriend, friend with benefits – whatever – that is blantant disrespect for you as a person. If you say no, it means no. It doesn’t mean persuade me, or try harder – it means no. And this is a person you’ve made a vow to who also, presumably, made vows about being faithful, and loyal, and respectful to you. His vows are right out the window. You also have set a precendent, unfortunately, that you will give in so stop giving in. If you don’t like it, don’t do it. You have the right to say “I’ll think about it” and come to your own conclusion. If I was fooling around and he “surprised” me with something I wasn’t into our nooky would end right there. 

 

I think you either need to seek professional help – both of you – or re-evaluate your marriage. Sex and intimacy is about both parties in the relationship and no where do you mention getting your rocks off, in all honesty. He should be just as interested in what gets you going. If you don’t enjoy anal play, tell him. Maybe you’re willing to compromise with some play, now and then, but don’t want to do full on  . .. I don’t know, and it’s a decision you have to reach together. I don’t judge anyone . . . I mean as long as both people consent and are enjoying it, have at it. But it doesn’t sound, from any of your posts, you are enjoying this and giiiiiirrrrl, sex is meant to be enjoyed by both people 😉 

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