Husband hanging out with other women while I am out of town…

posted 8 months ago in The Lounge
Post # 2
681 posts
Busy bee

“He said I am only getting mad because Camille is pretty.“

Yuck. I wouldn’t be comfortable with this either and your husband’s reactions certainly would not help. He removed your access to garage notifications? Ugh….

Sounds like good ole’ gaslighting to me. Camille isn’t the issue. It’s your partner that sounds like an untrustworthy and disrespectful jerk. 

ETA: I may be projecting a bit here but an ex-partner of mine used that *exact* line about me being insecure because the woman was pretty and yes, he was trying to screw her. 

Post # 3
9734 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

I would be upset as well. It’s not like Camille is a good friend. Or even really his friend. She’s a friend of a friend. Why is he so defensive about needing to hang out with her? His level of defensiveness and changing the garage so you can’t see when he gets home would have alarm bells going up for me.

Is it normal for him to be out until 2 or 3 in the morning? My husband also has many female friends but he’s never out that late with them. 

I would not let this go. You are not being unreasonable and it’s unfair of him to try to just completely dismiss your feelings about this. Get through the weekend with the in-laws and then you need to have a serious conversation with your husband.

Post # 4
188 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

Honestly, I don’t get jealous at all and this would bother me. The point where he removed my access to something in my own home so I couldn’t see his activities, would be where I lost patience. 

Post # 6
6832 posts
Busy Beekeeper

Ugh this is rough, and it’s so intensified that you can’t have a face to face conversation. I DO think you checking the notifications are a bit creepy/spy like, especially if you jump right into a confrontation about getting home at X time. I don’t know if removing your access was the right thing to do, and is only going to drive you crazier not knowing now. 

I also agree that it’s frustrating that your friends are setting up double dates with your husband and another woman while you’re gone. That’s all kinds of fucked up! Frankly it would bother me that my friends were doing this and they don’t seem to have your best interests at heart. At the end of the day, it’s not their problem though. Your friends could have invited 100 models out, and it’s still your husbands responsibility to set boundaries and follow them. 

I’m pretty liberal with opposite sex friendships, but this would absolutely bother me as well. I don’t have much advice, but I would try not to discuss it over text/phone until you see him. Can you adjust your trip so you aren’t spending the whole weekend with family? Maybe head out early Sunday and say you have stuff to take care of at home? 

Post # 7
6834 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

I’m not going to lie, this would definitely bother me. And this stuff almost never sets off alarm bells with me. Does he seriously need to hanging out with this woman 24/7? And to turn off your notifications? Does he not have other friends? 

Post # 8
89 posts
Worker bee

When you said he inactivated the garage notifications so you could no longer see when he was coming home was when I said outloud, ‘oh hell naw.’ It doesn’t sound like you are just being jelous and insecure here, Bee. 

Post # 9
10859 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

anon32519 :  

Yeah, he’s gaslighting. Anytime you express a reasonable concern—and your concerns are reasonable, he flips tthe script and makes you the villain. Classic gaslighting behavior.

Camille is not your problem, even with her sketch history. Your husband is the one you have to be concerned about.

Have you set a clear, firm boundary as to how much one on Camille time is acceptable? Or are you reacting in anger after he violates a boundary that has not been clearly articulated? It sounds like communication is pretty poor in your relationship.

Otoh, he should have better judgment.  He is violating the First Canon of Relationships:  Don’t put yourself in stupid situations.

My sense is that your Dh has found himself a new source of attention and admiration, and she’s a pretty girl, which is the cherry on top of the parfait.

Watch for him to gaslight  you further by making his relationship with Camille all your fault for being away so much. It’s coming.

It’s not fashionable right now, but I generally side eye guys who have a lot of women friends or almost exclusively women friends. That has a harem quality to it. Does your Dh have an equal number of male friends? Men who are high in narcissistic traits tend to collect women as a way of ensuring an uninterrupted flow of narcissistic supply.  You may want to do a little reading on that.

Post # 10
12224 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

I don’t think your boundaries are unreasonable without her appearance or even her alleged reputation entering into the equation. I’d stand my ground all the way to marriage counseling if necessary. And where is Camille’s so called boyfriend? 

Post # 11
688 posts
Busy bee

Nope, I sure wouldn’t be okay with this. At all. 

I’m so sorry, bee. 

Nothing helpful to add, just wanted to add my vote to- you’re not unreasonable. And what sassy411 said – that’s exactly it. 

Where do you go from here? Face to face conversation. Your marriage comes first. If he doesn’t understand that, he needs to get his butt into counseling with you until he does. 

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