Husband hanging out with other women while I am out of town…

posted 8 months ago in The Lounge
Post # 17
Member
1393 posts
Bumble bee

To plays devils advocate, what is it about Camille that you don’t like? I suppose to see it from his perspective she hasn’t done anything wrong and if you trust him then this shouldn’t be an issue. I can’t see anything from what you’ve said that implies she has a crush on him or vice versa or they’re behaving inappropriately as him having female friends is nothing new. So I suppose if I was him I would feel frustrated that you were essentially trying to control who I was seeing and hanging out with for no good reason. It would feel like you were saying you didn’t trust me, which is insulting. 

I’m not saying you’re wrong, but I’m just trying to offer a different perspective so you could maybe see where he is coming from. 

Post # 18
Member
1147 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2019 - Tacoma, WA

 Nope, I would be pissed about this whole situation, as well. I’d be even more pissed at your DH’s response to your discomfort. The fact that he gets defensive, tells you it’s YOUR issue because you’re insecure or jealous or whatever, and then KEEPS DOING IT anyway, AND removed your access to your own freaking garage door notifications? Everything he is saying and doing says “I don’t care about your feelings or your boundaries, I’m going to do what I want regardless.”

I would be going absolutely mad if I were in your shoes, especially being so far away from home at the same time. I’m so sorry, Bee. This sucks.

There was a point when Fiance and I had a somewhat similar issue with boundaries like this. Well, kind of. Fiance had met a new girl at work and they hit it off pretty well. A femme lesbian (FI is a butch lesbian, so this would be kind of the equivalent of a guy hitting it off with a pretty girl at the office, just for clarification). One day I was going shopping with a friend for the afternoon, and Fiance says she’s going over to this girl’s apartment to play video games while I’m out. I asked if any other coworkers would be there…nope. Just the two of them alone at her place on her couch all day having drinks and playing xbox.

Well, of course I had a huge issue with this. I’m all for Fiance having friends, but her hanging out with this new person alone at her apartment rubbed me wrong. Really wrong. Fiance got defensive over it, which made me even more uncomfortable with it. The defensiveness is always a BIG red flag for me. We got in a huge fight about it. In my mind, this was a no brainer and clearly inappropriate for someone in a committed relationship, sending the wrong message to the girl, disrespectful af, etc., but to Fiance, I was being “insecure and jealous and unreasonable” much like what your Darling Husband is telling you.

In the end, Fiance ended up not going (and was quite pissy about it for the next few days and our fight continued the whole time), but I can tell you right now that if she HAD gone, she probably wouldn’t be my Fiance right now because I know 100% I would have ended things over it. While it might seem like a small, insignificant thing to some people, to me (and obviously also to a lot of other Bees here), it’s massively disrespectful to disregard the boundaries of the person you claim you love more than anyone, and continue doing something that you KNOW is hurtful to the partner and the relationship in general.

I’m not saying you should leave your husband, but I am saying you are right to take this as seriously as you are. You are not being crazy. HE is being disrespectful, and that IS a problem.

Good luck, Bee. I really hope he is eventually able to see the light here and get his $hit together. <3

Post # 19
Member
3721 posts
Sugar bee

I think marriage counseling is great for situations where the conversation is emotional and uncomfortable and hard to work through together. I would HATE if my husband was out on what looks like a double date. If he didn’t understand why that was awkward and mentioned that the girl was attractive as a stab at you…hell. no. How would he feel if you “double dated” with another attractive guy?

My husband was in this scenario when I was out of town. His friends invited another girl out and the four of them essentially had a double date. I was super pissed about it, and he didn’t understand why. He’s a bit naive and didn’t go out of his way to invite her, nor did he make plans to see her alone. He just wanted to get out of the house since I wasn’t there. In that case, I could understand backing down, but this seems like a lot of effort to hang out with this girl that’s supposedly a friend of a friend. Even if she has bad intentions, what matters are his intentions, and while they may be innocent, he is playing with fire by knowingly pissing you off and seeking her out. I’m sorry your feelings aren’t being respected bee 🙁

Post # 21
Member
1130 posts
Bumble bee

anon32519 :  I value my marriage more than anything so if my husband asked the same of me, I’d gladly shut that relationship down in a heartbeat. It’s not worth it. However, if he was always forbidding me to spend time with friends of the opposite sex, that’s a different story because it’s controlling. But getting a weird vibe and asking him to keep his distance from ONE person is NBD in my opinion. It should be a non-issue.

Post # 23
Member
4183 posts
Honey bee

Re: Camille and your husband – your instincts are kicking in, and I always advise listening to them. There’s definitely something happening between the two of them. Your husband is not protecting your marriage at all, and as others have pointed out, he is the problem here. Certainly you could try counseling, but I’ll be honest when I say it’s not likely to have much of an effect because he sounds very selfish and self absorbed.

Post # 24
Member
2143 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

anon32519 :  FWIW I think ur (D)H is being a jerk by not respecting your boundaries.

However, I do think that your 2 initial times that you were triggered by him seeing her were before you laid out any expectations (i.e. lunch and then the late arrival at home). So interrogating why you were immediately on the defensive/jealous is important.

Your feelings of discomfort are valid because they are how you feel. Hopefully, you too will come to an agreement about her and other opposite-sex friendships in the future so you can feel more relaxed

 

Post # 25
Member
965 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: City, State

Once your husband placed going out on double dates with Camille over the feelings of his wife, he crossed a huge glaring line.  Did he not take vows to foresake all others? Wtf man?

When he decided that the answer to you asking questions about his dates with another woman was to reduce your access to his behavior instead of altering his behavior, he crossed into asshole territory.

There isn’t a chance in hell that he’d be fine with you getting your own suitor with a bad reputation. He is cheating on you. In public. In front of your mutual friends.  Stealing in broad daylight is unusual, but it doesn’t make it not stealing.  The fact that he called Camille pretty is a clear indication that he is courting a woman he is attracted to.

Eff that. That shit gets shut down today.  I’d make an appointment with a marriage counselor and TELL him, not ASK him to show up. If not, start working on a separation. 

It is not okay for your husband to be dating another woman. 

Post # 26
Member
2430 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: NJ

“if you trust him” I knew that old chestnut was going to emerge. There is trust, then there is your spidey sense. Listen to Spidey. 

I feel as if this flaky girl Camille is going to stick around while it is still fun, then she will be off. I feel as if Katie & Ken (as we know, not innocent here) are thinking how much fun it would be if Camille replaced you in this foursome. We are all thinking it, aren’t we?

But that doesn’t end there. You still have this husband, this incident, and you now know what he is capable of. His faithfulness and respect for you and your marriage doesn’t run deep. That is the problem, and it can’t be counseled away. 

Detach a little yourself. Some day there will be another Camille. Dump Katie & Ken too. But watch, your husband won’t want to let them go either.

Post # 27
Member
179 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

Oh fuck no.

First of all, the comment that you only have a problem “because Camille is pretty” is so vile I would never look at my husband the same way if he ever said this to me. How cruel and petty.

Your husband is the problem, not Camille and not Katie. He is defensive when you raise concerns, he disabled your access to the camera! That’s insane. It doesn’t matter what Camille’s personal history is. If your husband had boundaries, he wouldn’t be going on “double dates” with her. My Darling Husband would never in a million years go out to dinner with a couple and a single woman. Especially one he knew I wasn’t comfortable with! That’s soooo disrespectful. The petty part of me wants to be like .. you’re away for work. Don’t answer your phone for a while and when he asks where you are, tell him you met an attractive man and you went to a movie, or went to happy hour. After all, you don’t want to feel restricted!! Lol. See how his own medicine tastes going down! He’d probably lose it. Haha but in all honesty, don’t do that. He deserves it but it’s not productive or mature.

This is all really bizarre to me. She’s not one of his friends, she’s a random. You’re not being unreasonable at all. It sucks that you can’t talk face to face for a while, but I would insist on being put back on the camera access. You’re not “spying” on him. You get alerts to your phone! I know tons of people who have that. It’s not shady or sneaky. The only thing shady and sneaky is him removing you. Even if he’s not doing anything wrong, that was so childish.

You guys need to have a serious conversation about boundaries, because he is disrespecting you left and right and it’s not OK. If I told my Darling Husband that I wasn’t comfortable with him hanging out with a brand new woman I didn’t even really know in this kind of setting, and he blocked my access to our home camera and continued seeing her, he would be couched for sure.

Also, don’t blame Katie for the movie thing on Sunday. They were all together on Saturday, it’s possible your Darling Husband or Camille or even Ken suggested the movie. What was Katie supposed to do if someone else suggested it and the others hopped on board? If she’s a true friend, I can’t imagine she made the suggestion.

Post # 28
Member
199 posts
Blushing bee

I would be  beyond angry about him removing your garage access. Its like he said “ef you, i do what i want and there’s nothing you can do about it because you’re 1000 miles away!” or whatever. 

You guys need to have a serious talk when you get home. And honestly, id ask him to go for a walk while at the in-laws. To me this needs to be addressed immediately, & id be stewing and brewing all weekend if i couldn’t speak on it.

Post # 29
Member
1092 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2020

You have every right to bug out bee.  FH and I have some pretty nontraditional views in regards to our relationship and lifestyle but everything is built on trust, respect, and boundaries.  You are not feeling respected by your husband and Camille has not earned your trust or your respect.  The fact that he is gaslighting when you attempted to set a boundary and removed your garage notifications is a huge red flag in my eyes. Your husband is essentially dating this other woman: lunch, movies, texting.  HARD NO. 

I agree with PPs that counseling will be a good next step, but FWIW it can’t hurt to get to know Camille. Keep your friends close and your enemies closer… or who knows, you could end up being friends after all.

Post # 30
Member
2771 posts
Sugar bee

So you expressed concern and hurt for the situation and not only did he basically tell you that you are wrong, did nothing to make you feel better about the situation, but then he took it to the next level by removing you from the garage notifications? 

I would be absolutely livid.  I am angry on your behalf. 

Your feelings are your feelings and they are valid no matter how rational or irrational they are.  Your husband should want to make you feel secure, instead he did the opposite.  

I’m sorry that you are dealing with this.  I went through something similar and I dealt with it for years….it was a huge reason we got divorced.  

 

 

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