Husband hanging out with other women while I am out of town…

posted 9 months ago in The Lounge
Post # 376
Member
2781 posts
Sugar bee

duchessgummybunns :  THIS!!!!

I would say I’m better than average at expressing my emotions openly and calmly (raised in a therapy family) up to a point. But when those feelings are being repeatedly cast aside and stomped, I might eventually snap. 

It makes you feel unhinged and irrational when the person you love shows such blatant disregard for your feelings, calls you crazy for having them, threatens to leave you if you don’t let them do whateer they want, and then carries on doing the things that hurt you – almost rubbing it in your face. 

As duchessgummybunns : also said in a previous post – it’s not that hard to ease your partners feelings of insecurity without them ‘controlling’ you. There are so many EASY ways that he could have made her feel better. Skip one or two nights out (of what seems like several a week!?) tell her he was leaving her art show early and that he’s proud of her (or better yet, stay to the end) NOT walk Camille to her car, pretend he doesn’t see Camille’s texts when they’re out at the bar etc. etc. etc. 

If he’d done those things, OP’s feelings of insecurity probably would have subsided so that they could carry on as usual. Camille probably would have backed off if it wasn’t so easy to command his attention. But instead her husband put his brand new friendship with a random girl over his relationship with his wife. 

 

 

Post # 377
Member
25 posts
Newbee

 

everythingpink :  yeah, shes very blunt about things and I have had several talks with her about it, she would have been very honest about it if it did.  My post made it sound like I spend more time with him than her but in reality, I usually spend time with either both of them together or just her more than just him.  I guess I was just trying to get my point across that some people are ok with single people spending a lot of time with married couples.  None of us have personally said anything about me being a part of their marriage, nor would we.  It’s our outside friends that would joke about it to us and we just ignore the jokes.  People dont have to understand it, that’s ok, I really wasnt trying to start a disagreement/argument about it.  But they are my closest friends. I was a single mom at the time and my daughter was best friends with their kids, I have 2 family members where we live and the rest are on the opposite side of the country so they just kinda became my family too, I see them as a brother and sister figure I guess.  🙂

Post # 378
Member
864 posts
Busy bee

wolfeyes :  Agreed; OP’s husband should be on her side first. Instead he is dismissing her valid concerns.

Post # 380
Member
2981 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

anon32519 :  it’s been 3 weeks since your original post op. Have you guys been able to get an appoinment or see a counselor yet?

Post # 381
Member
93 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2020

How are you doing OP? I know this is hard right now, but please remember to take some time and heal yourself. 

Post # 382
Member
132 posts
Blushing bee

OP I hope you were able to rest this weekend. I just read all the 26 pages in one sitting and felt your sadness with every update. It HURTS to have your feelings dismissed as you’re the crazy one. Only you know what direction you want to take and I wish you luck and joy with what you choose. If it were me, there would need to be some serious contrition, counselling and visible efforts on HIS initiative to make me believe there’s still a future. 

 

Your husband…I won’t even go there, enough was said. I will just add that you have the RIGHT to access the door monitoring system in YOUR OWN HOME. Especially since you are away often! I would call the company and request it myself.

 

Post # 383
Member
132 posts
Blushing bee

From your original post, as soon as I read that you hung out with Barbie & Ken 2 – 3 times each week my alarm went all the way off. With this level of proximity, people get comfortable. So comfortable that that B…arbie, had the … to ask you to hang out with some random petas…excuse my French “Camille” while on a trip with your HUSBAND that you hadn’t seen in a while. Why couldn’t she bring HER friend around her family? Why is it a big deal if Camille, an adult that you don’t know, is alone one weekend? There’s lots to do in DC, I’ve lived there while single and new in town. And Barbie kept going with her Mother Teresa / playing dumb tendencies by “feeling bad” if she doesn’t tell C where you are AFTER you confided in her. Oh how nice she is! She feels so superior and protected right now since she doesn’t travel away from her husband and would never let him hang out with randoms without her. She appears to be a gossip too; she told you about Camille’s hubby snatching side gig. I am 100% positive she told her about your current troubles.

C: ” I feel like OP doesn’t like me or something. I’ve tried hanging out with her but she is so cold like wth!”.

B: ” yeah OP is usually pretty cool, I don’t know what’s going on either. she had a huge fight with her H since your Sunday brunch. Something about your braless pierced T.”

C: “OMG do you think that she jealous? I don’t want her H! But he is so cool. What could happen in public! Why can’t he have female friends? I hate when girls are so insecure around ME! Next time I’ll be totally nice to her so she’ll see that I don’t even want him because if I wanted him…”

And where is Ken in this whole fiasco? With that hang out frequency, he should be at least to the level when he calls out hubby like bro, you are buggin’. Because he is a man and can see where this is going / has gone.

Camille is a pro at this, it is not her first rodeo.

It’s time to leave the Barbie dream house and that kind of “fun” life to the kids and people who don’t want to be mature. It’s OK to go out, but when drinking buddies start taking a toll on your marriage, It’s time to stop. It’s clearly toxic and these people are not your friends. Block them now, quit them cold turkey. You’re Bratz doll now 😜

Post # 384
Member
132 posts
Blushing bee

 

It’s good that you are fighting for your marriage, at least you will have a clean conscience that you tried your best if it turns for the worst. I like how levelheaded you have been throughout this whole thing. Keep pushing with your career and your art talent (congrats on the gallery opening! I can’t even draw stick figures lol). Do things that make you happy and take your mind off. You will get through this more confident about yourself in both cases. Because you stood up for yourself. You trusted yourself instinctively. The time I was almost kidnapped (got out the car by sheer luck, random police officers happened to be nearby and they got scared) I KNEW SOMETHING WAS WRONG the moment I got in that taxi. I tried to rationalized my fear while all my senses were in alert. It is when I couldn’t take it anymore open the door to throw myself out that they snatched me back in and started heading out of town. Messed me up for years, almost failed out of my 100% merit scholarship dream college. I can’t believe I just opened up about this here… For years I felt so dumb for not knowing the danger. If I didn’t trust myself then how could I ever trust myself again! Then I started feeling that I didn’t even deserve this life, my family, friends and completely withdrew from EVERYONE since I was so dumb at that critical time. Why couldn’t I listen to myself? I just realized it’s been almost 10 years. I still find it hard to believe I deserve friendships, but I am making a bit of effort with my family and I have the most wonderful soon to be Fiancé. But most importantly, I am thanking my 18 year old self for knowing SOMETHING WAS WRONG and trying to open the door. I see now that I trusted myself THEN and no one could ever take that away from me. Gosh what’s gotten into me. I guess I now understand the meaning of “triggered”. 

OP I wish you the best!

Post # 385
Member
156 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: City, State

Update?

Post # 386
Member
4 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: November 2018 - City, State

Anyone else feel like this was like reading a book?  Curious on an update.  Hopefully, the best has happened for them both. 

Post # 388
Member
1021 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: City, State

OP I’m sorry to hear the update.

Katie definitely didn’t want to carry your message (I wouldn’t either)—- she didn’t owe it to you to repeat what you said how you asked her to say it without making clear that she was being strong armed into it. 

Your husband is the person who needs to put distance between himself and Camille. Not Katie, not Camille, not you. It sounds like he won’t and you’re looking for backup to help save this relationship. Unfortunately, that can’t work. If laying down the law as you have isn’t working, and he isn’t prioritizing counseling, it’s time for you to go to your next steps… see a lawyer.

Post # 389
Member
4317 posts
Honey bee

This isn’t going to work. First, you don’t “fight” to save a marriage. You BOTH work on repairing the damage. Your husband is still going out and partying with these people. You can’t repair a marriage when one person continues the behavior that harmed the marriage.

You’re still focused on Camille, like she’s your problem. Your problem is not Camille, it’s your husband. The more you zero in in Camille, the more you ignore what he’s doing. It wouldn’t matter what Camille was doing if your husband acted like a man who loves his wife, rather than a man who does what he wants and expects his wife to fall in line.

Post # 390
Member
1229 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

anon32519 :  hei s LYING to you. He did not have a meeting, by the the time he texted you he should have already been on his way. You told him he had to do this and he chose not to, you need to follow through and have consequences. 

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