Husband hanging out with other women while I am out of town…

posted 5 months ago in The Lounge
Post # 406
Member
3790 posts
Honey bee

No amount of counseling or marriage bootcamp is going to change your husband. He will continue to be who he’s always been, a guy out for a good time with his friends. The fact that he’s married is simply an afterthought, not a reason to modify his behavior. But you can change yourself and your reaction to him. You can stop tilting at windmills, stop seeing yourself as the heroic figure who’s going to save this marriage.

You husband doesn’t understand what it is to be married. He’s just interested in partying with good looking women, it’s part of his identity and being popular and social is important to him, far more important than being a kind and supportive spouse. I really believe that something in him was arrested in his teenage years and he hasn’t grown emotionally since that point. You are married to a teenager obsessed with his own popularity. This isn’t going to work.

Post # 407
Member
1891 posts
Buzzing bee

It just sounds like an odd mixture of factors here that has lead to where you are. Hanging out continuously with 1 couple has lead to some kind of weird co dependency that honestly I’ve never seen before. You and your husband shouldn’t be exclusively hanging out with 1 couple. Can’t you make plans with other couples you know to fill up your social calendar so that naturally you see Katie and her husband less? Have people to your home for a nice dinner, go see a movie and dinner with a different couple. Try to do activities that don’t center on drinking. 

It also sounds like you two don’t have any life goals you are currently working on which has lead to kind of a stale mate in your lives. A lack of goals might have resulted in this need your husband has to fill his time with going out and drinking as a distraction. What are your goals together? Pick one and devote energy towards that, not towards partying. Do you two want kids? Get back on track and talk about where you wanna be in 5 years and give yourselves something to be working towards. Try to fit in more family time, visit his parents maybe? Get more involved with your cousins? 

As for therapy, like others have said you can only work on the marriage if both people are willing. Set up 1 more appointment and let your husband know that this is it. You need to see effort from him and he needs to show up to this appointment no matter what. Then if he doesn’t show your done. 

Post # 409
Member
732 posts
Busy bee

You sound like such a genuinely nice person and you’ve already gotten lots of good advice. I especially liked tiffanybruiser and sunburn’s take on things, both I 100% agree with. 

I agree you shouldn’t have asked Katie to speak to Camille. Katie was free to say no of course, but she’s not much of a friend (again!) if she tells your husband all about it over drinks and goes on to him about how it’s making her uncomfortable and all that. 

But just back away from all the side dramas with Katie and Camille and Ken. As other Bees have said, it’s your husband that’s the problem and with his attitude and immaturity there will be more Katies and Camilles in the future. You sound more mature than them. I think its likely you’ve outgrown them, including your selfish man-child husband. People in their mid thirties mostly aren’t still acting like they’re back in college. Or high school. 

You seem to be putting an awful lot of effort into a marriage that only one of you is working at 🙁

Post # 410
Member
1497 posts
Bumble bee

 

– did your husband cancel the therapy appointment behind your back? Thats the reason your therapist didnt show up and Your husband probably didn’t think you would go without him. 

– I think he may have gone to camilles the other night and had that other woman cover for him. 

OP I think it’s possible he’s cheating on you. Right now he is probably deciding what to do from here. Hence not prioritizing the therapy sessions ect. 

Post # 412
Member
1905 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2019

Did you guys recently move to the city or did you recently start traveling more? It almost seems like you guys were on the same page and then you weren’t, so I was just wondering if there was something there. 

I will say that if I try to plan an appointment and a meeting pops up at work, I cancel the appointment no matter what, no questions asked. So I do feel for him that if a meeting came up he wouldn’t be able to go. 

I would try a marriage therapist again. None of us are therapists and we don’t know the whole story. If you want to save your marriage you absolutely should. Getting all of these things out in a healthy environment will be good for you guys. And people can change. I have. When my husband and I first got together I was still in party mode, going out all the time, staying out late, and being stupid. It took him telling me that it wasn’t attractive to him and he wasn’t interested in dating a party girl before I wised up and changed (I was in my 30’s, it was time). I didn’t realize how bad it was until I realized I was going to lose my relationship. We just started doing other things with our friends and we started leaving early. Take the small victories and still go see a therapist yourself and do a marriage counselor. If you can’t go during the week go on a weekend. 

Post # 413
Member
2711 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

Sunshine024 :  did you read the entire thread?.He has a hx of doing similar,  ie this is not the first “Camille” type episode.Her husband also just told her he would *divorce her* rather than change/alter his own behavior!..I agree op should pursue counseling but even if her husband doesn’t go,  op should go to sort through things, get insight into her own behaviors, choice with this guy.  

Post # 414
Member
4 posts
Wannabee

anon32519 :  Hey bee, I had started reading your story when it was just posted and only now caught up. All I can say is:

1. Stop hanging out with Katie. You have other friends you can rely on and she hasn’t proven to be trustworthy. Do not fall for the I miss you tactics. We’re all adults here – part of that is losing friends and moving on.

2. Keep working on your marriage until you feel you’ve done enough. 6 months ago you didn’t have this issue. It may not work out in the end but give it a good shot – so far you have. At the end of the day, if it doesn’t work out well it’s on him.

We are all rooting for you!

Post # 415
Member
130 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

Oh if she’s “so pretty” tell him to have at in and to stay the night with her while he’s at it. His life will be better with this  “pretty friend” then it will be with a vengeful wife.  

 

But I don’t fuck around with gaslighting so.

Post # 417
Member
220 posts
Helper bee

All my my past relationships had female friends of someone who was like a sister or super close and mostly it was ok once I saw the dynamic between them. There was one time it wasn’t but because of the inappropriate actions of the female friend and not my guy. He saw it to and stepped away from the friendship. What the literal F is this!? Your man just met Camille! She isn’t a friend that he’s had— she’s a woman who he’s taking on dates. Lunch alone, movies, out together with your other friends without you is dating. I would be livid and extremely uncomfortable with this.

Hes dating another woman while your away at work and flaunting it to your face. 

You need to speak to your husband no matter what bs he tries to give you. He thinks Camille is pretty, calls you jealous when you try to talk about it and doesn’t want to feel restricted— that’s a huge red flag. 

Next, I would call Camille— ask her about it. I would feel super uncomfortable to spend alone time with a man I just met who’s married unless I was interested in said man and wanted to bag him. Let Camille know that you spoke to your husband and now your speaking to her that she should decline further invitations to spend time with him.

i wouldn’t even hang out with your friend when Camille is there. Her friendship with her is her friendship— this isn’t monopoly there’s no community property here called Camille. 

Post # 418
Member
217 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2017

Hey bee, how are you doing? Are there any updates? Are you still with your husband, or have you gone to stay with your parents?

Post # 419
Member
148 posts
Blushing bee

I feel like a LOT of these dramatic threads get left blowing in the wind & we never get closure. Am i alone in this thinking?

Post # 420
Member
1471 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

beepboopbop :  I always think of Jen the work wife. I was pleasantly surprised she came back like a year later although her update bummed me out. Anyways, OP, I really hope you are doing well and can come back and update. 

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