Husband hanging out with other women while I am out of town…

posted 8 months ago in The Lounge
Post # 46
Member
2772 posts
Sugar bee

To me, this is no different than the strip club scenario that we see play out weekly on the boards.  If a poster is uncomfortable with strip clubs and expresses this to her SO and he goes, that is crossing a boundary was set and potentially relationship ending. 

OP doesn’t feel comfortable with her H going out with this woman.  She let him know that.  He continues to talk to her which is disrespecting a boundary that was set.

It doesn’t have to be a full blown affair with P in V for it to be wrong.  Emotional affairs are a real thing and the way he is hiding shit is not cool.

Post # 47
Member
4184 posts
Honey bee

anon32519 :  Stop it. You do not have nothing. It sounds like you’re a smart woman with a good career. Unfortunately you’re tethered to someone who craves female attention and will go to great lengths to have that need met. This has nothing to do with you, this is his failing.

Post # 48
Member
819 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2020

duchessgummybunns :  I agree. My SO has lots of female coworkers with whom he is friendly, but I’ve only had a problem with his relationship with one. I was not envious of her: I was not intimidated by her appearance, personality, education, anything. Nor was I jealous of her: I was not concerned that he would leave me for her, or that his feelings ran any deeper than enjoying her attention and validation beyond how he would if his feelings were 100% platonic (e.g. if she were a man or otherwise not attractive to him). It wasn’t about her at all as a person: the problem was that she was disrespectful of my relationship and my SO allowed it.

I didn’t call him out sooner because of the usual self-doubt about whether I was overreacting etc. When I finally did bring it up, he did try it at first with the “But I didn’t do anything” and “she was just a friend” and “you’re making a bigger deal than it is.”

His defensiveness initially threw me, as it usually does, but I followed up by telling him that I was not accusing him of anything he didn’t do; that his relationship with her, though platonic on the face of it, was not appropriate by my standards; that I am not ok with him maintaining contact with a woman for the sake of validation, attention, fantasy, or escapism.

His embarassment came through at that point, and he acknowledged that she wasn’t actually a good friend based on her actions (using him for emotional support, confessing feelings for him knowing he was in a long term relationship, disappearing when she found a boyfriend of her own). He swore he hadn’t been in contact with her in months and had no interest in contacting her again; I reminded him that I was not concerned about her specifically but about that sort of relationship dynamic.

So I also agree with sharpshooter that you are allowed to have boundaries beyond “no physical cheating.” And I agree with sunburn that it is his problem if he uses female friends for pseudo-romantic attention under the facade of a truly platonic friendship. He doesn’t get to tell you that are “just insecure” for having that boundary any more than a polyamorist gets to tell a monogamist they are “just insecure” for not wanting their partner to have other overt romantic partners.

That his response to your concern was to hide his activity from you via disabling the garage cam access I think gives you a good indication where he stands on respecting your boundary.

Post # 49
Member
1746 posts
Bumble bee

sunburn :  I took it that her relationship is nothing without trust, not that she has nothing.

Post # 50
Member
483 posts
Helper bee

ariesscientist :  you don’t think him changing the notifications she gets from their garage is weird? Or even her just texting him what the guy at the bar was saying when they have just met a couple of times? Idk to me that would be very fishy. Also just the having lunch alone together. Yes he does this with friends, but they had just met. 

Post # 51
Member
374 posts
Helper bee

Why would any married man ever be out that late to the wee hours of the morning be good… WOMEN, MEN, or just himself involved? Not appropiate for a grown married man IMO. The fact it was a bunch of women is just fuel to the fire. And the removing of you from the garage notifications would make me blow up. Not ok.

What erks me the most is you SAID it bothered you and he did nothing but basically tell you he doesn’t care and he is doing it anyways. And did it like 3+times! He wouldn’t even meet in the middle! No compromise and no respect of your feelings regardless if he was cheating with her or not.

Post # 52
Member
1149 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

ariesscientist :  But like if this was a female friend of many years that would be different but this is a new female friend (not to mention one that has a reputation for sleeping with married men ew) so I don’t think it is so much the fact that he hangs out with another female but his reaction to his wife’s concerns is very telling and not how I would ne acting if my husband was uncomfortable with an opposite sex friend I have. He seems very defensive about some random women he just met TBH it shouldn’t even be a loss to tell her, “look my wife is uncomfortable with the frequency of the hangouts we should really dial it back and hang out only with my wife around.”  But he is doing literally nothing to was his wife’s concerns and her feelings should come beforw anyone else’s especially before the “friendship” with a new women.

Post # 54
Member
133 posts
Blushing bee

It’s quite possible he feels he’s doing nothing wrong (not cheating, no intentions to do so), and so he’s getting defensive when he gets what he perceives to be an unwarranted attack and lack of trust. Hopefully he can calm down and think through this, though, and realize that he’s in dangerous territory and he should respect your feelings over his desire to be social with Camille.

If you were trying to restrict access to all his female friends, old and new alike, that might be a different story, but in this case I think you’re 100% in the right, OP. Trust is crucial in all relationships, but particularly in ones that have you gone for so much of the time. And that trust is more important than yet one more friend, even if both sides are genuinely being good and not taking things too far (which it seems like they might not be, with the potential for an emotional affair here).

Post # 55
Member
1207 posts
Bumble bee

I’m sorry this is happening while you’re away, bee. That’s gotta be stressful. 

You’re clearly not insecure because you’ve always been fine with your husband having female friends and hanging out with them was not an issue.

But you got a vibe about this particular individual, and that says something. 

I don’t know that they’re cheating, but it’s weird to me that after he met this woman a few times she already had his phone # and was texting him.

The defensiveness just makes things worse. And him saying you’re jealous because “she’s pretty” is pretty bad. That says he’s attracted to her at the very least. And he’s blaming you as if you’re the problem for calling him out on not respecting healthy boundaries.

To top it off, he’s spending a lot of time with her and/or your friends while you’re not around. I don’t think it would be as big a deal if it was every now and then, but he is seeing her almost daily! That’s odd to me.

Im sorry, bee. I hope you can stay clear-headed and come up with a game plan for how to handle this. A conversation is definitely in order. And if he keeps getting defensive/blaming you for being insecure instead of hearing you out, it may become ultimatum time. He needs to grasp the seriousness of how this is making you feel

 

Post # 56
Member
179 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

If Katie is your good friend, I’d explain to her that she crossed a line by initiating what appears to be “double dates” with your husband and another woman. Explain that, especially given what she’s told you about this woman, coupled with her texting your husband (weird!), you’re very uncomfortable with this woman spending time with your husband. Tell her that you are upset with her for setting up get-togethers just the four of them. It’s inappropriate and weird, and you feel betrayed. I don’t think this is a weird conversation to have with a woman you’re super close with who you see 2-3 times a week. She’s not just a casual friend or acquaintance. Tell her how you feel! 

But, don’t tell her anything if you don’t trust her. If you think she might repeat what you say to Camille, then that probably tells you that you don’t need this friend in your life anymore. I just thought if she is a good person, it might be worth speaking to her and explaining how she hurt you by putting you in an uncomfortable position. After all, as I said before, she may have had every intention of honoring your wishes and someone else may have set up the movie date. 

Out of curiosity, how old are you guys? 

Post # 57
Member
1196 posts
Bumble bee

I completely agree with all the PPs who have been pointing out the gaslighting and generally poor behavior. 

At this point, I would cancel the plans to spend time with your husband’s family. The two of you need time alone to talk, and it’s important to have space for you to figure out how you feel about this. 

Post # 60
Member
3376 posts
Sugar bee

Let your husband go to his mom’s alone. You don’t need this to blow up at a family weekend.

Also, I would not be shocked if your husband has tracking apps on your phone. I would get that checked out immediately.

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