Husband hanging out with other women while I am out of town…

posted 8 months ago in The Lounge
Post # 61
Member
179 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

anon32519 :  Ugh I’m so sorry. That is so disappointing when a friend lets you down like that. I’d keep an eye on her. I don’t blame you for not trusting her right now. I’d be seriously reconsidering a friendship with someone who brought a single friend with a reputation for going after married men, around my husband. Really sorry girl. 

Post # 62
Member
1400 posts
Bumble bee

pearl311 :  she was using the garage software to basically spy on him and then confront him about the times he got home while she was away. So no I don’t think it’s strange he disabled that feature. If my fiancée was using software to track what time I came home and then blowing up at me because I got back late I would probably disable the software too. I don’t believe because you’re married and have a “gut feeling” about something that means you can invade your partner’s privacy and spy on them. There is no trust in the relationship at all if you’re doing that. 

soexcited123 :  I would be defensive too if my partner was spying on me to see when I got home and  implying I was behaving inappropriately with a new mutual friend because of a “gut feeling” and because she sometimes doesn’t wear a bra. It’s basically saying I believe you will cheat with this woman, which is hugely insulting if his intentions are completely innocent. 

I just don’t subscribe to this notion on here that your spouse is able to dictate who you’re friends with just because it “makes them uncomfortable”. Literally no other reason is required other than “I’m uncomfortable”. That kind of “policy” is open to abuse, especially if the partner is paranoid, insecure or controlling. 

For me, there’s nothing in any of these posts that suggests OP’s husband is having an affair or even wants one. He was upfront about their lunch meeting, Camille has asked if OP can hang out one on one without her husband, the times he’s come back late it has been when he’s been in a group setting with their mutual friends plus Camille, he has a lot of female friends so this is not abnormal behaviour for him either. 

I just think there is a big tendency on these boards for people to accuse people’s partner’s of cheating or being abusive or gaslighting etc. based on little to no evidence at all. Someone acting defensively when being accused or when it’s implied they’re cheating does not mean they’re cheating. I would be defensive in this situation too if I was her husband. Yes he definitely could have reacted better, but his reaction does not definitively mean he is cheating imo. 

Post # 64
Member
1400 posts
Bumble bee

anon32519 :  If you don’t think he’s cheating on you (or is planning to cheat) what is the issue and why are you checking up on what time he gets home? 

Post # 65
Member
378 posts
Helper bee

ariesscientist :  TBH I don’t necessarily think he’s cheating either. But my issue is with his reaction to the matter although I don’t exactly know how OP approached it either. 

Having said that, the response from her husband should have been “I can see you’re upset. While there is no reason for it, I don’t need to see Camille anymore this week so I won’t, and we can talk about it when you get home.”

His response was really aggressive. And whether you believe he is justified in his impatience with her, that’s just not how you treat your loved one in response to something that really doesn’t matter… ie hanging out with some random chick.

Post # 68
Member
1215 posts
Bumble bee

anon32519 :  Exactly. Chances are he is not cheating, but he is not treating you well right now. I admire how level-headed you have been about this!

Post # 69
Member
275 posts
Helper bee

Personally I will never understand why any grown married man feels the need to acquire new female “friends” to text and hang out with one on one. That just seems so inappropriate to me. It’s different if it’s a long standing friendship or a friend group, but some new random girl enters the equation and he’s basically going on dates with her?  Seems really wrong to me. 

Post # 70
Member
1631 posts
Bumble bee

ariesscientist :  I just think that most women, unless they have a history of being cheated on, and if they are the type who is generally ok/cool with female  friends, when they get that weird gut feeling are correct. The gut is picking up on microexpressions — something about the way he says the girls name, or an expression that fleetingly crosses his face when she walks into the room, etc. That stuff can be very damning, but they’re fleeting. 

I’ve had a lot of front row seats to other people’s affairs (I’m the confidant friend) and the cheated on partner usually had a “gut feeling” (and often not much more than that because the cheaters were good at covering tracks) and were told repeatedly they were just being jealous/crazy. 

So I’ve come to trust people’s gut. If your gut says something is fishy, it’s probably fishy. If your gut says nothing is going on, it’s probably fine. 

Post # 71
Member
1400 posts
Bumble bee

beantime :  I think for me, if I was in his shoes it would not be about Camille and hanging out with her as to why I was annoyed, it would be about the underlying thought process behind the request. I would find it insulting and controlling for no good reason at all. He’s already agreed to not see Camille alone, she seems to want him to not hang out with their mutual friends when she’s there too (without OP present). If it’s not because she’s worried he will cheat then what good reason is there to say “I don’t want you hang out with this woman and our mutual friends without me”?  It’s implying that she doesn’t trust him, if it’s not that, then it seems to me it’s because she feels left out. Yes his reaction could be better for sure, but I think we should try and look at it from his perspective rather than “if he cared about you he would just stop seeing her”. 

I think if OP discusses this calmly with him and explains why she is uncomfortable hopefully they can understand each other better and come to some kind of agreement where they’re both happy. 

Post # 72
Member
985 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: City, State

OP, the best way to suss out whether your husband has crossed the line is to flip the tables.  Would he lose his shit if you started coming in at 3am after hanging out with a very hot, single Dave from work trips? If he told you it made him uncomfortable and your response was to start keeping information from him, instead of modifying your behavior, how would he react?

Exactly.

This is how you know he crossed several lines. Whenever your partner feels comfortable disrespecting you in ways they’d never accept for themselves, you have a big problem. 

 His perspective of feeling accused when he hasn’t done anything isn’t the only version of “his side” you should note.  His perspective is ALSO that he wouldn’t want you to disregard him in the same way when you’re not in town.  

If he persists, I would gently remind him that “hunting ain’t no fun when the rabbit’s got the gun”… and if that’s the level of transparency and consideration he thinks is appropriate in your marriage, that he needs to be really comfortable when you both play by the same rules. 

Post # 73
Member
378 posts
Helper bee

ariesscientist :  Totally agree! If he is innocent then I see where he could be annoyed. But truly no good comes from being defensive and if he has no reason to be, then even if she is wrong I assume he loves her and should approach her with a loving spirit. Agree that a calm conversation in person is the way to go. Nothing will come from hashing this out 500 miles away.

Post # 74
Member
2786 posts
Sugar bee

 

I typed out this whole thing, but in the end what I want to say is that it is not a healthy or mature reaction to get defensive when your SO/H/W/FI expresses concern or hurt.  Period.  Listen to what they are saying and try to understand where they are coming from.   Don’t railroad their feelings.  

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