Husband hanging out with other women while I am out of town…

posted 8 months ago in The Lounge
Post # 76
Member
2486 posts
Buzzing bee

I didn’t think my boyfriend had done anything wrong when I drew my line in the sand. Feeling loved and respected is feeling loved and respected. Feeling disrespected is feeling disrespected. Period. Regardless of who did what. 

I wouldn’t be with someone whose response to me, when I said I felt disrespected, was to become defensive, attack my character (jealous and insecure?!), and give me even further cause to feel disrespected.

If my husband came to me and told me he didn’t want me talking to ANY other men outside of a professional setting, I’d think he was insane. But I wouldn’t become defensive. I wouldn’t attack him. I’d probe to try to understand where it was coming from. I would temporarily honor his request, and we would perhaps go to therapy to get to the bottom of it and find common ground. 

If we couldn’t find common ground, we might even decide our needs were incompatible and separate. But to become defensive, attack, petulantly act out like a toddler? He can just go crawl into a dumpster with this sort of behavior.

I’m appalled that some bee’s are normalizing this awful behavior. Just because you would engage in or accept shit behavior doesn’t mean everyone else would or should.

Post # 78
Member
3527 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

I can see why you would be annoyed with both Katie and your husband, since you clearly said you don’t like Camille and specifically asked Katie not to invite her around any more than she already had.

But I also think your title was a bit misleading…. I kept expecting to get to the part where you found out he and Camille are hanging out on the reg alone when you’re out of town… but that doesn’t seem to be the case at all? He’s only hanging out with her as part of a group. 

If it were me, I might side-eye Camille a bit based on what Katie said about her, but I probably wouldn’t be that bothered by them all hanging out as part of a group. I’d be bothered if he was hanging out with her alone, despite knowing I was uncomfortable.

Post # 79
Member
696 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2007 - City, State

anon32519 :  if they aren’t fucking they will be soon. He’s like a millisecond away from cheating if he hasn’t already.

Post # 80
Member
332 posts
Helper bee

anon32519 :  The second to last update from you captures everything I would tell you. To put it bluntly, married people simply should not tempt fate by putting themselves in stupid situations like this. He knows you are uncomfortable.. 3 days of hangouts is unusual, particularly for a single person new to the ‘group’. Trust your gut.

Post # 81
Member
332 posts
Helper bee

anon32519 :  you absolutely will get through this. Hang in there; until this situation you have had no reason to distrust your husband, so do hold onto that. It’s unfair of him to disrespect boundaries, but it doesn’t mean anything has happened. A new dynamic has been introduced that you need to work through. Keep pushing for what you want, but remember the foundation your relationship was built on. Unless there were other cracks in the foundation (ie: causes for concern) that shouldn’t evaporate overnight. Hugs!

Post # 82
Member
6225 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

OP- I so feel you on all of this. If you can’t trust that your husband is going to respect the boundaries of your relationship while you are away (or even while you are home in town), then there’s really no value for you to remain in the relationship. You can’t be stressed out about what he’s doing or his self serving interpretation of agreements while you are away working so frequently.

Personally, I would have told everyone off with that going to a movie I wanted to see without me shit, too. They are all out of line, IMO, your husband worst of all, but your friend as well. Especially considering the fact that you contacted her and specifically requested that they not continue going out without you. AND she’s the one that was talking shit about Camille in the first place. I can’t imagine she’d be cool with Camille hanging out with her husband so frequently without her there.

I do not tend to be jealous where my husband is concerned but a big part of that has to do with the fact that I know I can trust his behavior AND if he starts doing things with other women that are making me uncomfortable, I get veto power (as he has with me). If he won’t honor my (very infrequently used) veto as a wife, that’s pretty much deal breaker territory for me. Our relationship is the priority or we have a problem.

I’m really curious how he would behave if you were suddenly frequently traveling with a male colleague and having private dinners with him and happened to mention, on the way by, that your colleague had been married but wasn’t any longer because he realized he was actually much more into poly lifestyles and then you were suddenly getting back to your hotel room late because the two of you had drinks after work trips and so on. I cannot imagine that your husband would be comfortable in that scenario and I’m pretty certain he wouldn’t see his own objections as signs of his insecurity.

Post # 83
Member
930 posts
Busy bee

OP I agree with you so much on the mutual respect that needs to be had and that insecuritiy is a effect from an uncomfortable emotion and your Darling Husband should recognize and take care of it. If he knows youre uncomfortable, and he knows why, then he is now continuing to ignore how you feel. Thats not how a husband should let his wife feel.

 

I dont know the lady, but if that was my situation, id tell my man to fix the situation before I do.

Post # 84
Member
179 posts
Blushing bee

The thing that would bother me most is her side-texting him about what the guy hitting on her was saying :/ 

Post # 85
Member
1149 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

ariesscientist This women isn’t even his friend though she is literally a friend of a friend. The bees arent saying he is cheating just because he hung out with her but because he is so defensive. You mention he is probably getting defensive because he is doing nothing wrong and isn’t cheating but if that’s the case and I was accused of cheating in my relationship I would do everything in my power to make sure my fiance knew I wasn’t cheating and putting my concerns at ease such as saying, “ok honey I’m sorry I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable I will dial back on my hangouts with her.” Not well your feelings be damned I’m going to stomp my foot and not do anything to honor my partners feelings and I’m going to make myself look even more suspicious by blocking the garage instead of trying to make myself be even more transparent. I would be on my freaking hands and knees trying to prove to my partner I wasn’t cheating by keeping all access out in the open…unless of course he is cheating. I dunno in a marriage things should always be transparent. Again really who comes first here even if the OP is being unreasonable (which she isnt AT ALL) your wife’s feelings (you know the person you made vows to put before all others) or some random chic who isn’t even his friend. No reason a married man needs to be out late at night making new female friends in a marriage like that. I can’t believe you are trying to justify this. I mean literally you are saying it’s ok because he may not be having actual sex with her that this is ok. Ever hear the expression where there is smoke there’s fire? Well that applies here perfectly. If it walks like a duck quacks like a duck. In a marriage you shouldn’t even put yourselr in a compromosing position where something could look sketchy or where cheating could happen. I mean you wouldn’t run across the street with a car close to you saying well I didn’t get hit so its ok. Or you wouldn’t put your hand an inch above a hot stove and say well im not technically touching the hot stove. 

Post # 86
Member
728 posts
Busy bee

My husband travels a bunch for work so we are well versed in the “social lives carrying on” while the other is away. This would 200% piss me off if my husband was doing this to me or anything similar. First and foremost, your husband is acting like a dweeb. Irresponsible behavior at best and highly disrespectful, line crossing at worst. Your friend Katie should definitely know better. I would be absolutely wrecked if a female friend of mine wasn’t respecting my relationship boundaries and seemingly encouraging disrectful behavior. Also Camille should know better. She’s texting a MARRIED MAN at a bar about “omg, can you believe this guy hit on me LOL”. Give me a break… how old are we? 18? She is looking for attention for sure. And your husband seems to be indulging her. You need to have a talk. And he better be willing to respect your feelings. 

 

ETA: At this point, I don’t think he’s literally cheating on you. But he beginning to enter that territory where bad things seem to snowball according to everyother WeddingBee post and people I know who were cheated on. 

Post # 87
Member
2014 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

There’s no way id be ok with any of this

Post # 88
Member
1582 posts
Bumble bee

Nope. I wouldn’t put up with this charade. I feel like this is one of those situations where there’s red flags parading around and nobody in it wants to admit the ridiculousness of it all bc it is so utterly asinine that a woman is having to convince her husband (and her “friends”) to respect her totally valid feelings.

Sorry but I’d put my friendship with Ken and Katie on ice for a long while and get some boundaries set up with the husband.

Turning the garage notifications off is too big a flag to ignore imo.

Post # 89
Member
728 posts
Busy bee

WOMEN HAVE SPIDEY SENSES AND DON’T LET ANYONE TELL YOU OTHERWISE OR THAT YOU ARE CRAZY FOR LISTENING TO THEM. 

Post # 90
Member
878 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

oh hellll no.

ide be just as pist off too. im so selish and jealous this would never never work. i too think he feels he has done nothting wrong. petty me would start going on dates with other men too, it is what it is a date. maybe invite a few girl friends so we arent alone.

but thats just petty me. i would put my foot down.” i been with you soo long i HAVE NEVER TOLD YOU anything in the past but this ONCE if you love me and respect me you will listen to me and leave that girl alone and stop hurting my feelings. i dont trust her around you and that has nothing to do with your feelings.

 

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