Post # 1
Hi guys. I’m having a dificult time and I’m hoping you guys can help me. I have been married for four years now and we haven’t had any problems until now. My husband is in general a good husband although he doesn’t put much effort into our relationship. Around two months ago he was acting strange so I confronted him and he finally told me that he liked a coworker. I saw him messaging her frequently but I’m not usually jealous so I didn’t pay much attention to it. My problem is not that he has a crush because everybody feels attracted others other their partners once in a while, that is normal. What bothers me is that I know it for a fact and I know her. And it bothers me that she has physical and personality traits that he has condemned in the past. I feel he his being an hypocrite. Also it brothers me that he allowed this to become personal. If I have a crush in someone, I don’t message them frequently, I always keep a distance. He always told me that he didn’t understand how people could have crushes on other people while married. And now it happened to him and he didn’t know how to control it.
When I asked him if he liked her or if he was just attracted he didn’t know how to answer and proceeded to tell me that she was very attractive and interesting. And that hurt like hell. Why did he have to say that…nobody wants to hear that. I tried to forget it and however I can easily accept that he had a crush, after two months I’m having a difficult time forgetting who she is and that he told me how great she is. That is stuck in my mind and it is making me bitter and resentful. He does not speak with her anymore and has tried to improve our relationship. Does anyone have any advice? Thanks
Post # 2
Like you said, it’s not abnormal for a married person to have a crush on someone other than their spouse. However, he should not be acting on his feelings and should be keeping a distance from her instead of messaging her all the time and telling his wife how “attractive and interesting” she is. Maybe he’s just very immature or maybe she actually is a threat to your marriage. Either way, I think the two of you should go to counseling to figure out what exactly is going on and where you should go from here.
Post # 3
I can’t figure out if he is just honest which is admirable or thoughtless and hurtful. Either way if I knew how interesting and attractive someone was I would be devastated as well. I don’t know about you but I’m kind of a psycho so I would definitely monitor phone records to see how often they were communicating to see if it really did stop. I wouldn’t feel this way normally but it would seem that some trust has been broken here. How close are they at work? What I mean is does he see her privately everyday? Or is it more that they work in a huge office and he may walk by her once a month? Does she like him? What are they talking about? If it is all work related that would make me feel better than if they were texting random how’s your day nonsense
Post # 4
Well, I had an ex Fiance who cheated on me with a coworker. That relationship started off as just a crush and he thought he could handle it. Obviously he could not. These things can escalate very quickly.
I think your husband has to maintain no contact and he has to be completely transparent with you if you’re going to get through this. I also think however, it’s kind of BS that he claims he didn’t know how to control it. You are the only one that has control over your actions.
What is he doing to try to improve your relationship? What was he not doing before? Do you feel like this is something you can move past? Obviously he broke your trust and it’s going to take time to get that back. Maybe he really did realize what he did; none of us know him obviously.
Take it one day at a time. See if he really is committed to your relationship.
Post # 5
I’m married and I have a work crush. We laugh together and get along great, and a lot of people probably see us as “work besties.” But flirting is a big no-no, we only talk at work, and NEVER send each other messages. That’s just begging for trouble.
Having friends of the opposite sex is fine, and sometimes crushes develop, which is normal. The key is knowing where to draw the line, and your husband has crossed that line.
Post # 6
Thank you so much for the comments, they really help.
My husband is brutally honest, he has always been. I told him that I wish he haven’t told me and had solve it by himself. He told me that he wanted to be honest and I explained him that are something that are not worth telling.
When he told me about her he said that he didn’t want any kind of relationship with her and that he didn’t want to loose me. Her is part of his team so he has to speak with her about work. He told me that he only speaks with her about works when he needs to. I also have a friend there from another team who told me that she never saw them together again. I also checked his phone and he deleted her number. He always asks me what else can he do in order to make me feel more secure and happy.
I don’t think she interested in him at least he told that they didn’t speak about very personal things.
Post # 7
this is all really good progress. Are you sure he deleted her number and not just changed her name to something inconspicuous like John? Sorry, I have just been through the ringer with a guy like this years ago so I’m probably a little more paranoid than most bees. It sounds like he is trying to do everything he can to make this better for you guys. Hang in there.
Post # 8
OP you are very understanding, credit where credit is due! If my DH told me he had a crush on a coworker id be so angry with him – we’re all human, we all find other people attractive, but to actually tell your partner you have a serious crush on a coworker….??? There’s brutal honesty and there’s BRUTAL honesty!
I’m sure you’ve found other guys attractive since being with your DH but to message them and profess your attraction to your other half is too much.
Id let him know you value his honesty but that sometimes such brutal honesty is ….well….brutal! if it’s just a passing attraction there is no reason for you to know. If he is actively persuing someone else then that’s a whole other story.
Post # 9
IRK why anyone would be OK with their partner being sexually interested in someone else. No. Not everyone gets crushes on someone else. Not everyone thinks about someone else. Some of us out there still have self control. And that’s all it is. Self control.
I know I am not the only person who does not find itdifficult to keep eyes for just one person. We have lowered our standards for ourselves and those around us. It is possible, I’ve lived like this all my life and doubt I’m the only one.
Spare me the “visual creatures” “human nature” and “natural” these are all excuses to get away with something that ultimately leads to cheating. Your husband was on his way to cheating. Knowing he had a crush and acting on it instead of fixing theproblem. no excuse..
Post # 10
“My husband is in general a good husband although he doesn’t put much effort into our relationship.”
How is not putting much effort into your relationship being a good husband? Maybe he’s decent enough in other areas, but this sounds like he’s giving you lukewarm and you’re just grateful for lukewarm.
“Around two months ago he was acting strange so I confronted him and he finally told me that he liked a coworker. I saw him messaging her frequently but I’m not usually jealous so I didn’t pay much attention to it. My problem is not that he has a crush because everybody feels attracted others other their partners once in a while, that is normal”
Stop confusing jealousy with self-respect, this behaviour of his is NOT okay and it’s not normal. His crush isn’t harmless, not when he’s only a half-assed presence in your relationship while simultanerously making time for her, not when it’s affecting his behaviour to the degree that you noticed something was off and confronted him. Not when he’s dishonest until confronted.
You want advice on how to get over being bitter and resentful. I don’t have any advice for you on this because I think it’s very understandable that you’d feel bitter and resentful- the problem as I see it is that you have low enough self esteem to want to make yourself be okay with things aren’t okay. There is a world of difference between a person noticing another person is attractive in passing and not allowing themselves to do anything about it and a man who purues the object of his fascination via texts while being only semi-invested in his own wife.
And don’t confuse insensitivity with what you think of as ‘brutal honesty’. First of all, he wasn’t honest with you until you questioned him about it- and even then, he doesn’t get brownie points for being honest about behaviour that is inappropriate. And what you call honesty I call insensitivity- you did ask if he liked her and yes he answered you, but he could have taken half a second out of his brutal honesty to consider how his words would affect you. Something wrong with a man who can deliver such a cruel blow to you on top of his inappropriate emotional cheating and pass it off as honesty while being either oblivious or indifferent to the effect his words have on you.
Post # 11
Thank you!!! I thought I was going crazy reading some of these “it’s normal to have a crush when you’re married” replies. If my DH had a crush on anyone and I found out either by him telling me or me coming across messages, he would be out on his ass.
Post # 12
Just because he’s honest doesn’t mean he isn’t an asshole.
This would not be ok with me. A crush is one thing. But, I’m not messaging Channing Tatum and seeing him every day at work, you know?
I figure he’s got it bad for her, but she doesn’t reciprocate. And that may be the only reason nothing more is happening. Or he could be being “honest” by letting you think he’s telling you everything to throw you off.
Post # 13
I could be wrong but I don’t think that having “crushes” on other people when you are in a committed relationship is normal. Of course it’s inevitable that you may notice that other people are attractive or interesting. I can admire those traits without finding them desirable or fantasizing about being with them. I would be heartbroken if DH had a crush on another women. Truthfully, I’d be packed and staying with family until it was resolved.
Post # 14
Being married does not mean you’re blind. I interact with, chit-chat with, and eat lunch with men at work; some of them are attractive.
But I don’t have romantic feelings for them, I don’t flirt with them, and I don’t fantasize about them.
Post # 15
I’m so glad other posters here find this bizarre. I’ve spent a lot of time on the bee confused about what other people find acceptable in their relationships. I find it very refreshing that others find it completely uncceptable to have a crush on someone else.