(Closed) Husband has anger problems… not sure I ever loved him. So lost.

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
605 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

I’m so sorry you are going through this. You need advice from a professional. Do you have a therapist that you could go see? My concern is first and foremost for your physical safety. Your husband sounds like his behavior is escalating which is concerning to say the least. 

The reason victims of abuse, and yes, I think he is emotionally abusing you, find it so hard to leave is that both partners are addicted to the “highs.” When things are good with their partner, they are GREAT, and when things are bad, they are awful. You say that 90% of the time, things are good, but you shouldn’t have to live in fear of the 10%. 

Post # 3
4239 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Here’s the thing that is hard to come to terms with: you can’t fix him, no matter how hard you try.  Only he can fix himself.

I find it interesting that you say you can’t talk yourself into loving him…that’s not how a marriage should work…ever.  Again, I know you want to help him but I honestly think you need to get yourself away from this situation, as in I think you need to get your ducks in a row (place to stay, people to help you move your stuff out, etc.) and then serve him with divorce papers.  This is absolutely a psychological and mental issue, something you can’t help him fix.  It’s good that he has an appointment with a psychiatrist, it sounds like he needs it.

I know it’s scary to leave the only man you’ve ever been with, but I honestly think for your own health you really need to.  You can’t help him through this and you can’t sit there worrying about what he will do out of anger.

Post # 4
3534 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2015

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confusedandupset:  you’ve stayed too long. setting asside his issues, you aren’t in love with him and you’ve admitted he’s not the guy for you. You both deserve to find the person who is head over heels in love with them and who they love just as much in return. 

Your relationship sounds a lot like mine with my ex. We were up and down, on and off, for 3 years. I kept talking myself into staying and telling myself that I loved him; that he was my soulmate. I now know I was addicted to the relationship and did not love him. By the time I got out of it I was completely burned out and over men and relationships. It took me a year to recover. 

Make sure to do what’s best for you. Good luck. 

Post # 7
124 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

I was with a man for two years, and he was the same way. He had issues with drugs due to all of the mental problems he had. He would harm himself, and do very similar things you’ve mentioned about your husband. And I felt the same way, granted I was very young, and it was only a year that we dated and I’m not married too him. But I was very much in love with him, we talked for 5years before we made anything official, got engaged despite how I felt within myself.

His anger was so alarming, his out bursts, his disrespect and verbal abuse. But I wanted to be that person to love him unconditionally, to protect him from himself, to save him and help him. I lived with him in Illinois while everything I knew was back home in Florida. I was very isolated and had no one but him and his weird creepy father. Our fights would get so bad, he would either leave and get high, harm himself (cutting, banging and hitting himself in the head, punch brick walls, etc.) He NEVER put his hands on me, he came close a few times, and I lived in fear. I will never forget the night he went into the bathroom and locked himself in there and cut himself so badly, and there was nothing I could do because I couldn’t get to him, I had to call 911 due to how bad his injuries were. There was also a time where we were having a mild argument, and he turned it into something huge and totally exploded, he grabbed a knife and told me he would use it if he felt it were neseccarry (sp?) and pointed it towards me.

Even after everything, I staid because he loved me, we were great when things were good. I was very very foolish. He would never touch me or want to have sex or anything like that when I wanted too, then we moved into our own place, and months before that I had given up on having sex with him because he would turn me down and that makes a person question themselves. But once we moved, things changed for awhile, but when he would touch me, I would get sick. I would feel sick to my stomach, and would lay there waiting and praying for it to be over with. I didn’t love him any longer, if I had ever at all. Before him, I never experienced love, his love was all I knew and it was everything to me at the time to feel someone loved me.

The way we ended, I went home to visit, decided to stay to go back to school (I dropped out and moved there to be with him. My parents weren’t the ignorant by allowing me to make decisions for myself out of fear of me being mad or upset with them) I told him I wanted to stay there for the year and graduate with my diploma, he called me very nasty things, and went to an all time high with his anger, told me we meant nothing nor did the ring as long as I was in Florida and not there with him. At the time,I thought it was one of the hardest things I’ve ever gone through (despite all the things I went through with him while I was there and how I felt emotionally and physically) losing him was worse then dealing with him. But it was the best thing to ever happen to me, probably one of the best decisions to this day I ever made.

But I didn’t realize that while I was in school for that year. Throughout that year I had forgotten what I felt when I was there. I forgot all of the depression and fear and being trapped between myself and him. Once I graduated, I went back. I decided I would go and give it one more shot, so I booked my flight with no returning flight as he promised he wanted me there and had nothing else in his life worth what I meant to him. I was there for a week and everything fell apart, and I instantly remembered why I got the fuck out of there the first time. He figured out he loved his “friend” while I was there also, told me I made him realize he never loved me and that I showed him he loves her when he thought she was just a friend. The last three days I was there, I was trapped in a house with his creeper father by myself alone while he was caring for this girls family’s house and trying to be “Mr. Perfect” for her. I left and left a note telling him he would regret it because he would never find someone like me to deal with his belittling and controlling personaility, two months later he called me and told me I was right, that he made a huge mistake and begged for me back, I was still in my “save everybody” mind set, I told him I would figure out how I could get back there and we would work on us. I took a few months before speaking to him again and decided I went through enough, and never talked to him again and burned everything I had from him and all of our pictures and memories. 

Now, it has been almost 6years and I am in a relationship with a man that doesn’t even call me a bitch, with an 8month old little girl who is our world and everything we have is truly ours and the love we have I have never felt before from anyone. It was the best decision I’ve ever made. And he is probably the same person he was back then. I am now 25years old and about to be engaged to someone that truly knows love and how to treat me and others properly.

You cant save him. You never will. Don’t let your mindset dictate your life. You deserve good 100% of the time, and to never have fear of someone harming you or themselves. Look at him now, and ask yourself how you would explain this to your children when you have them. Ask yourself if you really want your children to grow up with a father like him, and for them to also live in fear and always wonder when daddy is going to snap and bang his head against a wall. Think about your future. With him, you may never have a solid and beautiful family and future.

Post # 9
1017 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

Not every couple has a really awful 10% of the time.  I can honestly say that my husband is amazing 100% of the time and we’ve never had an argument in 4 years.  We disagree on things but it’s never once escalated into an argument, probably thanks to him, he’s way calmer than me.  You deserve awesome 100% of the time and should not have to worry whether he is going to flip out and stab himself in front of you.  He sounds very scary.  

i am so sorry you are dealing with this 

edit : if someone tells you they are going to kill themself, believe them.  If he tells you to call 911 because he wants to die, you should call 911, you just never know.

  • This reply was modified 5 years ago by  MangoBreezy.
Post # 10
11273 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

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It is so typical for abuse victims to say that their abuser is great ‘90%’ of the time.  Mangobreezy is right–it is not normal for a relationship to be awful 10% of the time.

You can’t fix him.  He needs serious professional help & that may not fix him either.  Not unless he is completely motivated to get well.  Will he actively participate in therapy & take his meds?

OP, you have squandered an awful lot of time on a terrible man whom you don’t even love.  He is not your personal responsibility.  You are not his court appointed guardian.  You are free to go.  If he threatens to harm himself, Mangobreezy is right again, you call 911 & allow the trained professionals to handle it.  That is the responsible thing to do.

Post # 11
1599 posts
Bumble bee

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confusedandupset:  I’m sorry your having to go through all this.

And don’t be embarrassed by divorce, none of it is your fault and you’ve tried to work with an almost impossible situation.

Like a PP said, only he can fix it and you can only do and take so much! He has to want to fix himself and to be honest I don’t think hes really trying. I know he’s gotten counselling and it has lessened in some ways but… He’s still doing a lot of it. He should be working on not doing it at all, not lessen it and think that’s as far as he needs to go and it’s all plain sailing from there. It’s not fair on you, its most likely got you walking on eggshells because you don’t know when those bursts are coming and how bad. No one should have to live and deal with that. It’s time maybe to be selfish, think of yourself first instead of worrying about others and what they think. 

Well the only one to tell you whether you ever loved him is yourself. I think personally you might have at some point but with all this going on and happening it could have turned your love off, particularly where it’s been going on so long. Personally I wouldn’t feel so lovey or want to even be intimate with a man who’s saying those things to me and being physical in anyway, whether on himself, you or lobbing things. You can work on things all you like but everybody has a breaking point and it sounds like you have reached yours with him.

Post # 12
9575 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

I’m sorry bee but you never should have married or gotten serious with someone like this. Itd be irresponsible to have kids with him. It’s time to move on. He will never change, especially considering he doesn’t see the issue. This is his family cycle… Do you want it to be your kids cycle too?

Post # 13
3182 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2019

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confusedandupset:  I was in a relationship that was 90% great. It slowly changed for 90% to 85% and some balled down. Do you want children this makes it worse. Add a child into this mix. Honey you need out. Your safety is first.

Post # 15
1221 posts
Bumble bee

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confusedandupset:  This must be so hard for you. He needs help and should have had help years ago. Has he ever been assessed by a medical professional? I speak from experience here, so please other posters don’t slag me. If he can get in to get assessed by a psychologist/psychatrist that would be step one. He needs help badly and so do you for the emotional toll this is taking on you.

I understand his family has issues too – and that likely has been hell on him. What a way to grow up. Even if you choose to bail it is entirely your choice as to what you can humanly handle – I get that – but if you can help get him some help regardless. Suicidal ideation is very scary and can lead to suicide. The threat of hurting his boss with the knife is terribly frightening – I know – but that kind of irrational behaviour happens without the actual desire to follow through. Scary as hell though. There are therapies and meds that can help. Please get help.

And since you feel that this isn’t the right relationship for you then DO get out. Helping him is important but your safety and happiness and life are also important. Don’t get lost in this.

  • This reply was modified 5 years ago by Profile Photo lilredcat.

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