- 5 years ago
I was active here on Weddingbee when I got married a little over two and a half years ago. I never thought I would be here doing this, writing this now. I apologize in advance if it’s long, but I’ve only talked with my mom so far and need to get this out. My husband and I met when we were 19; we had a decent amount in common, good rapport, we chatted on Facebook for a long time the night we met. I was.. moderately attracted to him. He told me fairly early on he had anger issues, and I should have listened. He talked about when he was in middle school and would throw chairs, self injure, and had gotten in a fight. He’s had several concussions when he was younger and I think there’s got to be at least some connection. Things started out well; I always wanted a boyfriend, he was my first serious one… the first night he wanted to make us official he was so excited, but my gut wasn’t and I wasn’t 100% “in” it, but I was so excited to have my first kiss and I did and it was amazing!
Things started to go downhill… off and on. At the worst we would have huge fights, he would get depressed and I remember him sitting on the bathroom floor hitting his head against the wall repeatedly, I kept trying to talk him down and help him. I caught him lying to me at another time. He ignored me with friends, wasn’t the best boyfriend. Walked me home until we were official then wouldn’t anymore. But holy heck he cared about me and I was so turned on and attracted to this relationship. He can be really sweet, thoughtful, and caring, and he really loved me. He would go out of his way to do things for me.
We continued to fight. His family have TERRIBLE interactions, they are awful to each other and are sarcastic to the point of being mean. We fought; he was leaving for the weekend and I think I asked him to do something and he didn’t or something, and snidely said “I’ll just do it myself”. He was furious. He stated he was triggered by being disrespected; he ended up throwing a chair across the room and telling me to “Shut the f*** up”, yelling the whole time. We almost broke up, and should have. I just couldn’t; I don’t know why but I couldn’t. The good times were good, and I just *couldn’t* and I can’t put my finger on why. Those fights continued; he gets depressed, irrational, angry; he’s thrown things but never laid a hand on me. After he’s calmed down (hours or a day maybe) he’s absolutely fine; back to normal. Of course I’M not, and he gets frustrated with me that we aren’t back to normal and I haven’t “gotten over it yet”. One day he was demoted at work… cursing on the phone on the way home, furious, pulling a knife saying he was going to kill his boss. It took me screaming at the top of my lungs to get him to snap out of it; I don’t think he would have really done anything but I guess I can’t know for sure.
Fast forward to now… he gets like that still. It’s less often, and it’s less severe (sometimes). He got counseling for a little while but more at my prodding than at his that he really thinks he’s wrong. The most recent happened; we had a fight (not all his fault; I’m Type A, irritable, and can sometimes just be very critical and negative towards him), it ended with him losing it and hitting himself in the head repeatedly, saying “I’m done, call 911, I can’t do it anymore, I’m going to kill myself I want to die I want to die”…. he was shaking. I got numb and shut down; he was fine 5 minutes later. Back to normal almost. That was around a week ago, he has an appt to get a referral for a psychiatrist, but it’s not till the end of December. We’ve talked, he doesn’t think things are that bad, I just can’t talk myself into loving him; except we were doing so well, we had an amazing date recently and really are similar in a lot of ways. He’s so sweet and thoughtful and says he would never leave me… literally 90% of the time he’s great, but even then I don’t feel about him like I want to. I’ve told him I’m losing hope that he’ll change and we might do a trial separation while he travels for business next month (only 10 days).
I’m a Christian and never agreed with divorce, it would be so embarassing and I’ve never broken up with anyone before; I realize all this sounds insane but anyone that’s met him has never seen this side of him and it’s hard to believe it’s really that bad. In the weeks after a fight/outburst I feel insane and cruel for being so detached and numb when he’s so normal and sweet and loving…I’m just exhausted from the back and forth and don’t want to regret divorce but I’m just so exhausted and confused. I’m 26 and don’t want to leave too early or stay too long. I know I’m more sensitive than the general person and I’ve had my own issues (I’ve seen a counselor for a few years, stopped due to money, was mostly for a needle phobia that’s improved). But I found out he had an outburst at work (no one saw him) so it’s not just me. Help? Thanks for reading, it helps just to get it out.