Post # 1
I am posting under another name for obvious reasons.
Darling Husband has become abusive.
And he blames it on me.
I don’t know what to do.
I’ve been really struggling in our marriage…I never wanted to be a military wife and deal with everything that came with it, but I loved him, so I married him. I know I need counseling, but he’s sneered at me when I bring it up, so I haven’t gone. I don’t even know where to start anyway. We started premarital counseling but it was pretty useless and the chaplain blamed our problems on my self esteem (not helpful) so we stopped going.
Now lately, I’ve had a really short temper and have started snapping at him. I take full responsibility there. But he goes WAY overboard and calls me names…psycho/crazy bitch is his favorite. Tonight he called me a “fat fck”. Yes, I’ve gained weight since we married, but there’s no excuse for it.
And yes, he blames all this on me and tells me if I wasn’t such a bitch, he wouldn’t attack back (keep in mind that when i do snap at him, I’ve never called him names or sworn at him). I even told him last weekend he is being verbally abusive and said I wasn’t going to take it anymore and he FLIPPED. Apparently he’s known physically abusive men and doesn’t like being lumped in with them but oh well.
I don’t know what to do now. I am 1000 miles away from any family or friends. NO he is not isolating me, the military is. I have pets. I can’t leave them. I have money but have nowhere to go because of the animals. I am not worried about him physically hurting me anyway, but I’ve always had low self-esteem and I can’t take him saying these things anymore. He’s ruined our marriage by saying such hateful things and I can never see him the same way again.
I am a Christian, so divorce isn’t an option, as much as I never want to see him again right now. What am I suppose to do?
Post # 3
1. Start with yourself. Get thee to a counsellor. Surely the military has some sort of support system for military families.
2. Draw the line for him. No more verbal abuse or you are out of there.
Post # 4
I’m so sorry you’re going through this, but he needs to know he’s definitely being verbally abusive. Calling your SO a fat f*ck is NOT OK AT ALL. Anyone with any sense can see that you just don’t talk to peopel that way – especially someone you love.
I’m not saying divorce is the way to go, but in all honesty, God does not want you to be with someone who is abusive just because you got married in the church. Let’s be real here. If things are really bad, and you don’t love him, then you walk.
However, if you think this is something you can work on, then you need to talk to him and he needs to understand that what he’s doing is not going to fly with you, and that you’re not going to stand for it much longer.
Post # 5
I know several Christians who have gotten divorced to get out of a bad situation. I think that sounds like an excuse.
I was in an emotional/verbal abusive relationship in college and I can tell you things will only get worse, esp. since you don’t have a support system in place where you are. Talk to a therapist if you think you want to stay and talk to your husband about going with you. What he is doing is abusive and it will only get worse…I promise.
If you have money – go home. Tell your husband you need to visit family because you’re homesick and it’s affecting your mood. It’s not a solution, but at least you can distance yourself from the situation and have some space to think.
Post # 6
Spending your whole life with someone who is verbally abusive and calls you a fat fuck isn’t what God wants for you, I’m sure.
If you want to try and work things out counseling is the way to go, but he has to be willing to go also and take responsibility for the way he is acting, or it won’t help.
Post # 7
Home is where he lives – where else would I go? I can’t visit family because of 1) my job and 2) they will side with him because my parents have always thought and said that I’m a bitch.
There were red flags starting the week after the wedding, but geez…how can he bcome a different person almost overnihgt?
And I know if I dealt with things better he wouldn’t be acting like this, but the fact is, I can’t, and it’s not an excuse for him to be acting like this. He says Im the only preson who’s ever made him this angry, and that crushes me.
Post # 8
this is an awful situation.
Tell him you are taking a vacation home, and GO home… and take your pets with you!! Get some support from your family and some counseling, so you can return a stronger and confident woman, and let him know that his behaviour won’t be tolerated anymore. I have also been in a verbally abusive relationship (mine was more of a “make me feel guilty” type situation than calling me mean names), and trust me, as much as you love the person, it does NOT get better unless he is really willing to get help and change. Which he doesn’t sound like he his.
I’m not a religious person but from what I understand God is supposed to be about forgiveness, and I’m sure he would forgive you for divorcing someone who is making your life a living hell.
Good luck to you, and I hope you find a way to look out for your OWN happiness and well being!!
Post # 9
I am a military spouse. There are so many resources for you. The military understands that this is a tough life. Go see your PCM. He/She can give you a referral to see a therapist. Plus, there are multiple counseling programs you and your husband can go too. You are not just stuck with the chaplain who is biased.
Have you branched out to meet fellow spouses? Many time spouses spend all day at home and get depressed from it. Join Facebook groups for your area. Go to their meetings. Get involved with the FRG. Do you have a home church? Talk to your pastor.
How long did you know your husband before you married him? Was he verbally abusive then? Is he willing to work on your marriage? Seek counseling!
Post # 10
@carnivaltheme: Like I said before – there is no home. I know that’s hard for a lot of people to understand, but I have no ties anywhere, even to the city my parents live in now.
HawaiiBamaBride, what is a PCM? I work full time, so I can’t do things with the spouses. Haven’t found a church yet (we are new here).
ETA: We dated for a year, and no, he wasn’t like this before. I think my inability to adapt to this lifestyle has caused him to show how he really is. Or maybe I’m really that terrible of a wife. In any case, everything was fine until I moved in with him and “real life” started.
Post # 11
@sunny6: Did you just get married? When you enrolled in Tricare, you should have been assigned a PCM. It is your Primary Care Manager. Your Doctor.
Post # 12
@HawaiiBamaBride: Oh, gotcha. I use Standard, I think that’s a Prime thing.
Post # 13
@sunny6: Then its even easier for you. You can call a therapist and schedule an appointment directly.
Post # 14
Why isn’t divorce an option? Verbal abuse will only lead to physical abuse and I think you’d rather be divorced an alive than married and dead. You need to leave this man before things get worse.
Post # 15
If your family wouldn’t be a supportive option, is there anyone else you can trust and confide in? Friends, co-workers, anything like that?
I know in this situation, a lot of people tend to say: “you need to leave now” or “why are you still with him?” I’m not saying I would argue for the opposite of these sentiments, but I also understand that people need to reach the decision to leave on their own. Also, sometimes leaving immediately or in the near, near future is not an option. Like the PPs said, talk with a licensed therapist or counselor, and figure out a plan where you can feel safe and comfortable moving forward with.
If you need someone to talk to immediately (whether now or in the future), is there a confidential crisis hotline in the area where you live?
Post # 16
We started premarital counseling but it was pretty useless and the chaplain blamed our problems on my self esteem (not helpful) so we stopped going.
i think that by the sounds of it, both of you need to work on your issues. you need to get some counselling alone to help you with your self-esteem issue. don’t quit b/c you don’t like the response. sometime the truth hurts but that’s the only way to heal.
i am not condoning your husband’s behaviour but do you think that maybe he is becoming impatient with you b/c of your issues? you both really need counselling together as well. a third and unbiased person will see your relationship much clearer than a friend, family member or even yourselves.
why is your husband verbally abusing you? is it him? is it you? is it both?