(Closed) Husband has cancer

posted 6 years ago in TTC
Post # 3
9649 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2019

I am so sorry 🙁 You’re not being selfish at all, just remember that the treatments and the battle will be very hard on you both, emotionally, financially and for your husband, physically. It may not be the best time to try for a baby. 

Best wishes to you both for the battle and a speedy recovery.

Post # 4
5109 posts
Bee Keeper

@delilahjz:  I am so, so sorry. If he’s open and receptive to the idea, I don’t think it’s selfish. I wouldn’t press the issue at a time like this. I am sending prayers your way. Hugs.

Post # 5
2523 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

I’m so sorry you are going through this. My mom went through cancer twice, but I can’t imagine my SO going through it. I don’t think it’s selfish for wanting to be a family. Right now you’re going through a gamut of emotions, and I’m sure you’re feeling that fear that you may lose him and you would have had that chance to have a child with him. That’s a rational fear to have.

You need to really talk to your husband about it. Is having a baby financially the best move right now considering the chemo and other treatments? Would you be able to afford it? I know it’s hard to think of finances when it’s such an emotional time and decision, but it’s something to consider. Also, is your husband well enough to try? It’s physically and emotionally draining to go through cancer, and your relationship will be tested. It will become stronger, but it will be hard, and adding a baby will make it even harder.

Just talk to your husband about what you should do together. But no, you are not a selfish person for wanting a family with the man you love. Again, I’m so sorry.

Post # 6
1161 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

@Torrid:  +1! You just worded this beautifully.

I am sorry OP, hugs to you!

Post # 7
14495 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

I am sorry.  You are not being selfish at all, but I think that @Torrid: said it perfectly.

My brother got married while going through chemo treatments.  He and his now wife talked a lot about it as he really wanted kids.  They sat down and agreed to bank his sperm before he started the treatments because there was a chance (be it a small) that it could affect his sperm count.  They ended up having a beautiful boy naturally, but they had the options available in case that wasn’t possible.

Post # 8
335 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I’m so sorry that you received such devastating news. I’m an oncology nurse and see this kind of thing more than I care to admit. You are not being selfish, don’t think that for a second. There are a lot of fertility options out there for you guys. If he has a cancer that is treatable and can go into remission, you could bank your DH’s sperm until he has finished treatment (assuming he needs chemo). You could hold off TTC until he’s finished treatment, we generally recommend holding off for 6 months to a year post completion of chemo (again, depending on the type of cancer and treatment received). You and Darling Husband should speak with his oncologist about your options. Do not give up hope! Good luck to both of you, I wish you the best and a speedy treatment and recovery.

Post # 9
2433 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

I’m so sorry. That’s devastating news. I hope whatever type of cancer he has is easily treated and that he’ll go into remission quickly.

The only advice I can offer is how I assume I would feel if we were going through the same thing. I know I would be horribly stressed and anxious during the entire treatment process. Babies are at risk for low birth weight, and spontaneous miscarriages can be more likely when mom is extremely stressed. As hard as it is to put off planning your family, I think I would wait — this would allow me to focus all my energy into caring for my husband and seeing that all of his medical needs are met, then we’d focus on trying to conceive as soon as he was cancer free.

But being on the outside of the situation makes it difficult to say for certain how I would react and feel. Discuss with him what he would prefer. Would it put him under more stress to be expecting his first child while undergoing cancer treatment?

I wish you both well and am sending positive thoughts your way!!

Post # 10
1431 posts
Bumble bee

I am so sorry:( Everyone’s advise is great. This is uncharted waters for you both so you will have to see how things go and what is right for you both, you guys will be in my prayers and keep us updated!

Post # 11
1762 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

@Torrid:  +10000000

Post # 12
453 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I’m sorry to hear your sad news.  Perhaps you two can look into having some of his sperm stored before he begins treatment if it escalates to chemo, which can kill sperm.  This will give you time to think a little about it.

Post # 13
337 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

So sorry you’re going through this.

Post # 14
3626 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I wouldn’t suggest trying right now. You need to be there for your husband 100% right now. When you’re pregnant, he needs to be there 100% for you, and when you have a baby, you both need to give 100% to the baby. There’s no reason you can’t be a family in the future. Good luck to you both at this difficult time.

Post # 15
2917 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 1996

I think you’re in a terrible position, every thought you are having right now is completely normal and understandable, and I would urge you to take some time talking over this issue with your husband, his doctors, and possibly even a therapist. If the doctors think it wise, you could have some of DH’s sperm banked so that it’s available later no matter what the circumstances. Don’t conceive in haste would be my advice, I guess. You don’t know what’s going to happen.

Post # 16
9142 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

Not selfish at all.  At the very least look into banking some of his sperm before for just in case the treatments affect his fertility.  I agree with PPs that you and your husband should have a discussion about whether trying before the treatments is a good idea.

I am so sorry that you have to consider some pretty awful potential solutions.  What if he did not survive treatment?  Would you have a support network to help you cope and still be a good mother to your child?  Could you financially raise a child on your own?

But I also think the biggest question is would you regret not having a child with him should he not make it.  I don’t think that is selfish at all.  When given the choice who wouldn’t want a piece of their spouse before something bad happened to them?

There are multiple support groups and counseling for spouses of persons diagnosed with cancer and it would be a great idea to get involved with one so you can get support from ladies who have been in your position.

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