Post # 1
I’m sure this topic has been posted a million times, but I am absolutely distraught.
My husband and I married last August after being together for five years. We are in our early twenties, and children have always been in our plan, though not for another 7 or 8 years.
Today he dropped the bombshell, after hinting at it for a few months, that he’s come to the realization he doesn’t want children. Period. It has nothing to do with financials or anything, he just says he is so happy with the way our life is that he doesn’t want them, that he would rather have the time and finances to ourselves.
He seems to think that would make me happy, and was surprised when I started bawling. I have always wanted to be a mother, always. This is very shocking. We recently bought a house and even as we bought the house we bought it with future children in mind, and have even picked out the names for our future children.
I don’t know what to do. He is now upset with me because he can’t believe I’m humouring the idea of leaving, he says I obviously don’t love him if he’s not enough for me, that I’d rather be with another man with children than childless with him. I can see why that would hurt him.
Has anyone ever been in a similar situation? I can honestly say I love him with all my heart, but is this a deal breaker for some people once they are already married? I don’t know what to do. If he had told me this before we were married I don’t know if I would have gone through with the wedding,if I am totally being honest.
Post # 2
pipsqueak : yes it would be a dealbreaker for me. I’m really sorry he’s changed his mind 🙁 you’re not wrong for rethinking your relationship. I also always wanted to be a mom and if my husband didn’t feel the same I’d leave him. It’s not really about love..you can love someone more than anything but if they don’t share your fundamental life goals then sometimes there’s just no possible compromise :-/
Post # 3
Ooof. I see kids/no kids as a fair deal breaker. You are each entitled to what you want but he should at the very least be understanding as to why this is a no-go for you. I’d rethink the relationship if I were you, too. I don’t think he understands – this whole “am I not enough?” isnt the point.
Post # 4
Wow. That is hard. Of course you are considering leaving! That’s a HUGE thing for him to change his mind about!
I’m surprised he changed his mind so quickly. A few months? Is he sure he won’t change it back?
On top of your life goals being totally incompatible, I’d be wary of somebody who can so easily change his mind about something he essentially promised to his partner when he agreed to get married (assuming you had the children talk which it seems like you have).
You are in your early 20’s? You are fortunate to have time on your side. Do not waste it in this situation!
Post # 5
pipsqueak : I think your reaction is completely normal and I can’t believe he’s surprised at it. He’s surprised and hurt that you’d “rather be with another man with children than childless with him“??? Excuse my French, but fucking DUH, dude. Not saying all women want kids or should want kids, but many do and consider that a huge part of their life. And it’s not like there’s any compromise there. What an arrogant twat he is to think he should be “enough” to make up for what many see as literally their purpose and greatest joy in life. I totally support CFBC but for that to work for a couple, they both have to be CFBC. If one actually wants kids but gives it up for the other, that’s a recipe for resentment. This is such a deal-breaker that it’s recognized as grounds for anullment. If you married with the understanding that kids would be part of the deal and now he’s saying “nah, sorry” that could make the marriage null and void. I would look into anullment if you know you want kids. There’s nothing wrong with having that as part of your life plan.
Post # 6
Daisy_Mae : is that actually grounds for anulment?
I am just so devastated I don’t know what to do.. I’m not mad at him per se, as I am glad he is honest with me and he is allowed to change his mind, it’s just it is something so fundamental to me… I can’t stop crying. I know I am lucky to have time on my side, it’s just that it is time I was planning to spend with him.. while it was not his intention, and i honestly believe he did change his mind and he wasnt just stringing me along, i feel cheated.
Post # 7
Wow, that is a huge realization for him to drop on you. Honestly, in this situation, leaving is a very real and logical thing. The fact that he’s being so selfish and childish over the matters shows a true lack of understanding. If having children is something you know you’ll need in life, there is no compromising in this situation.
I would talk with him about how firm he is. But even if he says, ‘I might change my mind’ he may not. Which would mean you could waste even MORE time on a man who had no intention of having children with you. Personally, it would be awful, but I’d probably start the process of divorce. People change, yes, but this is a huge change. This is two strong christians getting married and then have one become an atheist. It just can’t work, honestly. I wish you the best of luck, hun. But you said you’re young and you have so much time to find someone who DOES want those things and looks forward to it.
Post # 8
pipsqueak : yes, it is grounds for annulment. He misrepresented facts to you. It will vary state to state, but I think you’d be successful if that’s the way you choose to proceed.
I would, however, divorce him if you don’t want the annulment. I’m CFBC and it only works because Darling Husband is as well. This fact was discussed on our 3rd date or so, it was never a secret and neither one of us concealed it.
I doubt he’ll change his mind so I wouldn’t stick around waiting for him to do so, because what if you accidently become pregnant? what’s his plan then?
I’m so sorry Bee. It really sucks. But in some ways, it’s great you found out now and not in 7-8 years.
Post # 9
pipsqueak : I’m not a lawyer and you would definitely want to consult with a lawyer, but my understanding is that this is one of the most common reasons anulments are granted. Sometimes it’s officially called “fraud” which might make you feel bad — who wants to accuse someone they still love of fraud, but think of it as just a technical term. Some jurisdictions might just call it “misunderstanding”. Whatever it’s called, the sooner you file for an anulment, the more likely it is to be granted. As long as there are valid grounds (which you almost surely have) they are generally faster and easier than a divorce and it has the legal effect of meaning the marriage never happened. I’d contact a lawyer soon and don’t let him make you feel guilty. There’s nothing wrong with him not wanting kids, except that he married someone who does. That’s not a compatible marriage.
Post # 10
- Wedding: October 2019 - UK
Do you know where this sudden change of mind comes from? If you guys have been talking about children, even talked about names, then that is quite a big thing to just suddenly realize. Have there been any other big changes in his life? This sounds like it could use with some couples counseling to find the source of this sudden change of hart.
Post # 11
Thank you everyone… I really appreciate your responses.. I feel like my entire world has been flipped upside down in a matter of hours… thank you
Post # 12
zias : I guess he has realized lately every time he sees kids how happy he is to not have a child. To be fair, a lot of the children we are around are horribly parented, and I have told him that. But we recently got a puppy, and I guess he has realized (this sounds so stupid to type) that he doesn’t need anything more than a dog, that he is entirely happy with just having a dog, and that it is less of a financial burden than children, and that he would rather be able to travel and do stuff that you can’t do when you DO have a child.. Basically what he told me is “He is completely happy with what he has right now, and realized he would never want to add a child there because this is the lifestyle he wants”
Post # 13
Um, people travel with children all the time. But if I were you I would move on. And don’t be heartbroken when he marries someone else in seven or eight years, who is five years younger than you, and has two kids. Because that’s exactly what will happen, I’ve seen it.
Post # 14
pipsqueak : sigh. This is perhaps one of the biggest problems with getting married so young – frankly, you don’t know what you want when you’re in your early twenties.
Maybe hell changed his mind again, maybe not. Your both still so young that it’s a very open question (if he were 30 and said this, I’d tell you his mind is made up). I don’t really have any advice – either you hope he changes his mind (never a good place to be) and potentially waste more time on a relationship that ultimately will lead to resentment for one of you, or you leave your husband. Both suck. At the very least, I would say go to a marriage counselor to talk all this out together and be clear about the lines in the sand.
Post # 15
pipsqueak : “He is completely happy with what he has right now, and realized he would never want to add a child there because this is the lifestyle he wants”
Did you tell him you would be gone and he’s not going to have what he has now?