Husband has changed his mind about children

posted 2 years ago in No Kids
Post # 46
Member
7823 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

Not wanting kids= fine.

Changing your mind about wanting kids= surprising, but not malicious.

Making you feel like shit for wanting what you had previously both agreed to= asshole.

Post # 47
Member
3583 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2016 - Manhattan, NY

pipsqueak :  This is a deal breaker. You got married under the impression that you were on the same page and both wanted children. He’s allowed to change his mind, and you’re allowed to re-think if you want to be with him because your life goals no longer align. My husband was previously married and the same thing happened to him – she changed her mind about wanting children and it really hurt him. Ultimately, a number of things led to their divorce, but that was one of them. I love my husband and he knows having children is important to me (it is to him, too!). We’re both excited to start trying next year. If that suddenly went away, I would be crushed… I don’t know that I could stay and be truly happy. I couldn’t imagine ending things and starting over, either, so I get that this is really a tough decision. I wish you the best! 

Post # 48
Member
1857 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

The idea that a person needs nothing in life other than their partner to make them a fulfilled and happy person is ridiculous and narcissistic.  

I would never leave my husband if we were unable to have children, but I would expect him to work together with me to try our best and to explore available options.  If he just randomly decided to take away my biggest hope and dream in life, just because he felt like it?  I’d leave.  That would be a deal-breaker for me.  I would never be able to look at him without thinking about what I could have had.  If your husband wanted a life without kids, he should have married someone who didnt want kids.  How ridiculous to think that keeping things the way they are is even a choice!

Post # 49
Member
2 posts
Wannabee

pipsqueak :  i would seek out couples therapy as out of the blue for him to say he doesnt want children (unless there’s some hindsight on your part where there may have been clues in the past that this was a possiblity with him) seems rather suspect. Something may have triggered this thought process. I had a nephew that broke an engagement for similar reasons as he wanted to travel the world with a partner/wife but realized he didnt want children. After the devastating breakup, as the young woman was a wonderful person, a year later they got back together, married and now have two children and he adores his boys……so dont throw in the towel quite yet until you’re quite sure this is the route he is going to stay on…..

Post # 50
Member
982 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Oh honey…. I feel so bad for you. I realllllly do. This is a personal story, but hope it helps you.

Because I was your husband. I swear, my own husband could have written what you wrote, word for word, with a few minor changes. We got married at 30/32 (5 years ago), and at this older-ish age he wanted kids right away. Well, that was his ideal though he was willing to wait. 

Suddenly, a few months after the wedding, the idea of having kids suddenly OVERWHELMED ME. Like mentally – I could not wrap my head around juggling kids, job, LIFE, and all that. And I could not do it. Like nothing in the world at that time could have made me do it. Would NOT have been the right decision.

I put my foot down to a hard NO. I also felt he got married to ME, not me the potential baby mama. 🙂 I liked our live the way it was. 

We went to marriage counseling and ultimately my husband decided to stay with me. I was so happy! But really the rift had started. Without realizing it, I had set a dynamic in the marriage of “me vs. you”. Throughout the 5 years, we loved each other deeply – that never waivered. But the resentment, hurt, and all set in hard. Instead of being a partner like I should have and re-evaluating the decision, I got so upset that kids put this rift between us that it made me MORE adverse to the idea. He was unfulfilled and it showed in his life and interactions. It was basically a shit storm, to be honest.

It took us seperating (not directly because of the baby, but all the underlying causes behind it of hurt, resentment, unfulfillment) right around our 5th anniversary to REALLY think about the situation. 

For him – he had to admit deep down he wanted kids, and just me wouldn’t be enough, despite loving me. For me? I went through a couple months of being really angry, hurt, resentful… then I got a wakeup call. That regardless if I changed my mind or not – I was being awful that I didn’t consider him as much as I did by revisiting the situation over the years.

And know what I realized when I really REALLY thought about it 5 years later? Despite me liking my life as is – my life is going to be different one way or another. Did I want it to be different WITH him, or without? I was looking at 50 years of…. trying to fill time, date, find someone else…which I’m sure would have happened, but is that what I wanted? I finally determined, 5 years after our marriage and after I put my foot down, at the ripe old age of 35, that I wanted my uncertain future WITH him more than I wanted an uncertain future WITHOUT him.

Unfortunately, after years of hurt, things aren’t rosey, but we’re working on it with the common goal of getting it back together. But it isn’t as easy as me saying “let’s have a kid!” as the years of hurt and miscommunication need to be worked through.

Thing is – he’s not right OR wrong. Neither are you. It’s basically a shit situation, with no easy answers. Despite what any lady on this board will say, my husband agrees with me that I wasn’t malicious or cruel or wrong. It just….was.

He might not be ready today. He might be ready in 10 years. You don’t know, he doesn’t know. But the answer lies with you 2 being on the same team together, and if you can’t – then it’s not going to work

Post # 51
Member
1221 posts
Bumble bee

kw617 :  I don’t even know you, but wow. I admire your guts and your genuine honesty, particularly as this is such an emotional topic for everyone involved. Your post is beautifully written!

OP~ I am sorry that you are in this situation, but am glad that you are planning to seek therapy. I think that this will be a good use of time. I do have 2 kids and let me tell ya, as much as I love them, I wouldn’t wish them on anyone who was uncertain if they wanted children, let alone someone who said they were sure that they didn’t want kids. It’s a whole let of alot of work (aside from the love and joy, too)… so just as you have valid reasons for wanting kids and that’s what was agreed upon previously…. he, too, has equally valid reasons for not wanting them. I think that if you both really, genuinely are honest with yourselves and one another, then you will come to a resolution- whether that be divorcing, or in remaining together. Good luck, bee. I hope you will update !

Post # 52
Member
2019 posts
Buzzing bee

I think in this situation, age has a lot to do with it. If you guys bought a house with bedrooms for the kids, talked about kids named, talked about kids, I think it’s kind of unlikely that he was trying to dupe you this entire time. 

Perhaps the responsibility of getting married, purchasing a house and owning a puppy has him a bit overwhelmed and he’s just like ‘there’s no way I could (financially, emotionally, mentally) balance everything in my life AND kids. Therefore, I guess I don’t want kids. 

I got married at 23, started a new, really intense job at 23 bought a house at 24 and changed my mind on kids for a bit. I felt like I was barely keeping my head above water with everything I had going on (my marriage, work, house, other family commitments). I felt like I was just barely doing enough to enjoy life, and adding a kid into the mix would just be too much. I saw friends of ours have kids and it ruined their relationships. 

I always wanted kids, but suddenly I was unsure if it was really workable for my husband and me. I told him how I felt and we talked. We agreed that in that stage of life, kids were off the table. Not forever, but for a while. 

Fast forward a few years and we’re TTC. Our relationship grew, we’re better in control of other life demands and more stable in our careers, to the point that we both eagerly want kids again. 

Im not saying he will change his mind. I’m not saying the way he went about having this discussion with you was right and I’m not saying you 100% should stay in your marriage. I think the way he went about this was wrong and he’s being a jerk. But everyone has been a jerk in their marriage before. Everyone has acted immaturely and handled a situation poorly. 

I would give the situation time to cool down (a few days, a week?) and just talk to him about why he’s feeling this way and explain how you feel. I don’t think you have to jump to an annulment or divorce right this second. 

Post # 53
Member
982 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

SmartCookie1 :  thank you. If I could help one person through this situation, it’s well worth it. I could go on and on about how I attempted to be the perfect wife to “make up” for anything he was missing, and how he grew resentful and a bit of an entitled attitude as he felt he was giving up so much control in his life….but that’s another long story. 🙂 all part of seeing if we can work it through. Cross your fingers for me…I’ll need it.

Post # 54
Member
625 posts
Busy bee

pipsqueak :  you have two options: either stay and hope he changes his mind again, or leave. I know that’s not super helpful but it’s true. Your husband sounds emotionally needy. Maybe he just brought this up to test you, in hopes you’d reassure him that he’s all you’ll ever need. That’s a little silly. He’s jealous of children that don’t exist and feeling insecure that these nonexistent people are more important to you than him. Pretty bizarre. Maybe get to the root of this weird outburst and find out why he’s feeling insecure and needy right now. I sort of doubt it’s really about children you weren’t planning on having for 7 years. 

Post # 55
Member
275 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

He has the right to change his mind but you have the right to decide what your dealbreakers are. This would be a dealbreaker for a lot of people. I’d leave so he knows how important this is to you. Stay with friends or family. Don’t just sweep this under the rug and hope he changes his mind again. You have to let him know how serious this is, to me it’s a breach of trust too. You got married with certain plans and now he’s changed something really fundamental.  

Post # 56
Member
1104 posts
Bumble bee

pipsqueak :  I’m a childfree woman, and yeah, you’re being totally reasonable and his random shift is weird and dealbreaker worthy.

The worst part of all this, to me, is that he played along with the “wanting to have kids” thing this whole time and then dropped a bomb. What’s the deal with that? Have there been other problems? Do you think he had a genuine realization or felt this way the whole time? 

I just think the desire to have or not have kids is so primal and strong (in both directions) that it’s a little hard to think this is an isolated thing. What changed his mind after buying a house with kids in mind and talking baby names? 

 

Post # 57
Member
70 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

You can’t compromise on having kids. You either both want them, or both do not want them. If you entered into the marriage intending on starting a family at some point and he decide he no longer wants to, your only option is to get an annulment or sue for divorce if he really has changed his mind or had been stringing you along the whole time. 

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