Post # 1
I apologize in advance as this is going to be long. We have been together for 15 years and a lot has gone on so I’m going to start from the beginning.
My husband and I met when we were 11, I moved away at 14 and came back at 19. I had gotten pregnant from my dirtbag boyfriend in college and so moved back as a single mother. I called my now husband out of the blue one day and we met up for coffee. I hadn’t seen or talked to him since I was 14. We were both dating someone and I had a baby so I didn’t think anything would come about between us. Eventually we both left our relationships and started dating. 3 months into our relationship I cheated on him. I’m not sure why but wish I knew. I ended up getting pregnant by the man I cheated on him with and we split up for a year and a half. I tried to get him to forgive me but he wouldn’t and honestly I couldn’t blame him for that. What I did was a very big deal. He would show up while we were separated and we would have sex, then I would run into him in public and he would act like I didn’t exist. Our only interactions really were late night hook ups where we didn’t even talk to each other.
About a year after we split I finally couldn’t take it anymore and I started dating someone. I was lonely and heart broken and I couldn’t take the back and forth with him anymore so I moved on. Once he found out I was seeing someone he immediately wanted me back and asked me to marry him. I said yes. This probably should have been a warning sign.
He wanted another baby, one of his own and even though I didn’t I felt I owed it to him. He was willing to be a dad to two kids that were not his and to forgive me for what I did to him. We had another baby a couple years later and married a couple years after that.
Once we got back together I felt like I owed him the world after what I did to him. I did everything he wanted and I pretty much gave up all of my other relationships. I did still keep in touch with a couple of friends occasionally but rarely ever saw them. He didn’t tell me I couldn’t see my friends but he either made me feel guilty about it, gave me a hard time, or called me non stop when I would. It became such a headache to do anything without him that I almost never did. Still I felt like I owed him and that I had to give him as much time as he needed to trust me again. Throughout our entire relationship he questioned me a lot, about a lot of things, and made many accusations. My heart would sink almost every time he called or came home because I never knew what to expect from him. This went on for many years, honestly, mostly unnoticed by me.
Almost 3 years ago we bought a new house, complete with an a-hole neighbor who also happened to be infringing upon our property. It was a couple of feet on one side of our yard and while I didn’t like it, I didn’t obsess over it. He did. It completely consumed him. It was literally all he ever talked about and I’m not exageratting in the least. He would ask how my day was when I came home and before I could finish my sentence he would start talking about the neighbor. After several months of this it started to wear on me and I started feeling like the neighbor was more important than me and our family. I expressed this to him many times but he dismissed it. I told him he was losing sight of what was important smnd that it was damaging our relationship. He still ignored it.
After over a year of this he finally stopped about the neighbor for the most part but then he started focussing all of his attention on me. I had gotten my tubes tied after 8 years of asking him to get a vasectomy because I just couldn’t deal with the side effects of birth control anymore. His first accusation was that I did it so I could cheat on him and not get pregnant so He wouldn’t know I cheated on him. It had now been over 12 years since I had cheated on him, one time, 3 months into dating, but got pregnant He started questioning me and accusing me a lot about ridiculous things. He would make things up in his head about things and conversations that never happened and I couldn’t convince him they weren’t real. I was very concerned and devastated because I felt like he was literally losing his mind.
This all happened in August and in January I had a company Christmas party. It was lame so a few of us decided to go out after the party. I invited my husband to come along and he did. One of my co-workers was leaving and went around and gave everyone a half hug and a peck on the cheek. I didn’t think anything of it. A couple weeks later my husband blew up and accused me of cheating on him with my co-worker because of the hug and peck on the cheek. He dug through months of this kids Facebook posts to find one I had commented on in January. We joked back and forth a couple of times, on a public post, he jokingly called me a bitch, I posted a meme that said “I’m f’ing awesome with two stick figures doing it, one was named “I’m” and the other “awesome, though it was completely not sexual if you saw the post you would understand. He went insane over it and started posting comments to the kid I worked with. I was mortified. He sounded like a raging idiot because he misunderstood the post. This was last January and he still accuses me if cheating in him with this could and I never did. He said I wasn’t allowed to talk to him and even though I thoroughly disagreed eventually I did stop talking to him because I couldn’t deal with my husband about it anymore. I quit my job there in April and went to a new company. Now I don’t work with or talk to this kid and he still won’t let it go.
Since all of that happened it has been constant questioning and constant accusations. I don’t even want to go home anymore, I do t want to see him, I don’t want to talk to him. During all of this he started bringing up divorce. A lot, almost daily, sometimes multiple times a day. I figured that’s what he wanted because he brought it up so much. So eventually I started thinking about it and our entire relationship and then I realized I haven’t been happy this whole time. He hasn’t trusted me the entire time and I was always questioned, always accused, always made to feel like a criminal. I don’t know how I didn’t realize how unhappy I was before.
We started marriage counseling in February and I finally decided I didn’t want to work on it anymore. I had messed up at the beginning of our relations. Really bad and he doesn’t have to forgive me for it, but after 13 years and I can’t live like this anymore. Maybe we were naive to think we could ever get past such a thing. I dont know. But this past September 4th, I asked for a divorce. First he said fine, then he refused. We’re still in counseling and still getting no where. He questions everything I do, he days he’s just interested in my life but its very clear that is not the case. His questions are always about men. He diesntvwsnt me talking to or associating with men at all. Even at work it upsets him. If everyone is going out to lunch I can’t go if any men will be there. Of I try to tell him a story about work and any man is involved in any way he starts asking a million questions and accuses me of sleeping with them. He says he wouldn’t if he knew my co-workers but honestly, it’s not true and after what he pulled with my last co-worker k don’t trust him at all around people I work with. His behavior is mortifying and demeaning.
So my question is. Is this really what I deserve after 13 years since I cheated on him that one time? I know it was a big deal and I’m not trying to minimize what I did but he clearly never got over it and if he hadn’t in 13 years I don’t think he ever will. I was 19. I was stupid. I had just come out of an abusive relationship with a baby. I made a horrible decision, with horrible consequences but do i really have to pay for it for the rest of my life? Does he really deserve to be with someone he can’t trust? Is this the best u can expect from life because I’m miserable. I’m so miserable I literally get sick to my stomach on my way home from work. Am I being irrational? Should I just shut up and deal with it? I’ll have you also know this man literally trusts no one in the world. Not one single person. He believes everyone has an ulterior motive and has never trusted anyone. I don’t think I can fix him and I just don’t want to try to fix my marriage anymore. What do I do?
Post # 2
valerielaquidara : You got pregnant by a man you cheated on him with… and you are complaining about him having trust issues? … For real?
Post # 3
I get the trust issues but he shouldn’t have gotten back together with you, much less married you if he couldn’t truly forgive and move past it.
You did a terrible thing but you don’t deserve to be punished your entire life for it. I’d be so done with this marriage and speaking to a lawyer. It’s been years and years of this he’s not going to change, he’s not going to forgive you. I wouldn’t even try counseling. You’ve wasted more than enough time. Go find your happiness in life. Leave this bullshit behind.
Post # 4
Sorry bee but you’ve said you don’t want try fix your marriage. You’ve been in therapy and nothing has changed on his part. You pretty much have your answer. You leave and try and coparent as best as you can.
Just saying that sending a FB meme to a coworker with stick figures having sex is never a good idea even when your single or are in a relationship without any of the type of history you have posted on here. It pertains to a lack of judgement at the very least and can be misconstrued in a workplace environment. Be a bit more aware that actions can have huge ramifications in life…
Post # 5
You need to leave him, this is crazy!
Post # 6
He sounds a bit obsessive. If you’re done then leave.
Post # 7
Yes you made a big mistake and you paid for it , but he is never going to forgive you . Well, he is never going to forget or allow you to forget anyway . You will have to deal with this your whole lives together I think .His behaviour over the neighbour shows he is an obssessive kind of a guy, and you will pay the price for your past and any ongoing bad judgement for ever with him.
Sorry, but I see no good outcome in staying OP .
Post # 8
No, this is not what you deserve after all of this time. The way you make it sound, I think he is losing his grip a bit and you can softly sit him down and tell him how much you love him and need him to come back to focusing on loving you and all of your kids rather than worry about all of this outside nonsense, but it is a long shot if he is willing to recognize his unhappiness so as he can then actively try to work on it. Sometimes, just sitting people down and asking them sincerely if they’re happy can get you a long way to where you need to get to in helping form self-awareness within them…
He sounds so sad and miserable coming from someone who legit is OCD and gets stuck in looping obsessions from time to time, but the difference is that I know I am not okay in those moments and when I can’t figure out how to help myself, I listen and force myself to trust my hubs to help guide me back in no matter how uncomfortable what he asks from me is at the time. We know your husband doesn’t trust you, but before you pack up and leave, I’d try to have one last touching moment where I told him how much I have loved him and never thought of anyone else since your mistake… Basically, pouring your heart out in earnest before asking him if he can try and trust you for reals this time. Ask him if he believes he can stop with all the nonsense about other people and let you live, knowing that you only want to come home to him even when he hurts you with his distrust. If he seems to really embrace the topic, ask if he would go to a therapist on his own to help sort out what’s been going on in his head and figure out if it’s possible, and how, to learn to trust others and not live in paranoia all the time. Tell him you want him to be happy again.
No one’s to say this isn’t a shot in the dark, but it might be worth one last ditch effort (completely up to you) before getting on with your life again. You shouldn’t be living like this. I have put my husband through a few months at a time of endless worrying over my mental state, and I can tell you that that is something I feel endless guilt over but try to use the memories of the pain I caused him to keep me focused on taking care of myself (and thus, him) as well as being open to hearing him when he points out things that I need to be careful over (so as not to slip too far down the rabbit hole). And this is months I am talking–you are talking YEARS of non-stop accusations and ridicule. You have paid a debt over and over again for your mistake, and it is time to quit accepting punishment. He sounds as though he is no longer coherent enough in this realm to be reasonable, and so it is time to stop allowing him to dictate morality and to take your life back.
Whatever you do, don’t let things keep on as they are. You get to be happy with or without him, you just have to move towards the light in one way or another. If he isn’t going to come around, you no longer owe it to him to wait it out–you have waited long enough and it sounds miserable. You have never deserved misery, no matter what you or he may think.
Post # 9
Forgiveness and trust take a long time to build…even longer to rebuild. I was cheated on and have to make the decision every day to try to move on in my marriage without looking at every single thing in a negative way. You need to seek counseling both individual and joint. I pray y’all get the help you need…and the children as well.
Post # 10
You got out of one abusive relationship and right into another.
He makes up conversations?
If you hadn’t cheated eons ago, he would find something else to torment you about. This is not about trust issues, it’s about your husband’s controlling behavior. It will only get worse.
How old is he?
This is not a simple neurosis, like OCD. And an abundance of caution is necessary.
No, you are not sentenced to live this way for the rest of your life. Leaving is what needs to happen. But, you’ll want to do it carefully with a well thought out exit plan. This is the kind of guy who can become quite dangerous.
Post # 11
sassy411 : Yeah, the made up conversations gives me pause, too. I wonder if OP actually believes he thinks they happened and wants her to believe it as well, or if he is just being dumbly stubborn in lying to get his ‘point’ across. If OP thinks he really believes these happened and wants to convice her of it as well, then caution is a must as he then goes into the category of unpredictable/incoherent (especially, when linked with his thoughts towards OP).
The controlling behavior, I wonder whether it is bad behavior that has been reinforced by OP’s obedience out of guilt, and can thus be undone, or if he is just controlling in general. What was he like before you cheated OP/valerielaquidara :? Were there signs then of unhealthy behaviors? Are you at all scared of what he may do if you stay or go?
Post # 12
Somehow I feel like there is more to this than what meets the eye. We are hearing only half the story. You are both equally responsible.
You initiated contact with this man, and I’m presuming began developing a romantic relationship with him while both he and you were in relationships with other people. You then cheated on him and even had a child from this… If they cheat with you, they will cheat on you, springs to mind. Considering the history here, I don’t blame him for having trust issues.
Sending stick figures of a sexual act to a co-worker? That’s a real lack of judgement and inappropriate workplace behavior, and you still say this is no big deal.
From what you have written thus far, it seems that you might be engaging in flirtatious behavior with men that is similarly not a big deal to you, but a big deal for your husband. I don’t think he has ever gotten over the fact that you cheated on him. The only reason he married you is because he couldn’t bear to see you with another man. He insisted you bear his child so he is always a part of you. Your husband is possessive and obsessive with terrible insecurities and no amount of therapy will fix this.
If this makes you so unhappy and physically sick, leave. You don’t deserve to be strung up and treated badly for having an affair for the rest of your life. I feel bad for the three children who have been brought into this.
Post # 13
Thank you for the response. Yes I initiated contact with him. We had been friends in childhood and I had just moved back to town. I had lost touch with most people there but still had a few phone numbers. He was one of a few previous friends I had contacted when I moved back. We had not been involved romantically at all until after both of our relationships had ended. He had been on and off with his girlfriend, because she had cheated on him. I had told my boyfriend before any contact with my husband that I was done because I found out he had a drug problem. I felt bad “abandoning” him because he had a problem so I took him back but my husband and I didn’t even flirt while we were both with others.
Perhaps you are right and the meme was inappropriate. We had been sending memes back and forth busting each others chops on this Facebook thread and I googled “I’m F’ing awesome” and that was one of the first ones that popped up. I thought it was funny and posted it and maybe I shouldn’t have. Its hard to describe but it wasn’t sexual as in we were flirting sexually or anything like that. I don’t believe I flirt with other men, but perhaps you’re right and I do and I just don’t see it. I really don’t believe I do.
I do feel like the only reason he married me was because he didn’t want me with anyone else. He refused to even acknowledge me in public for well over a year, not that I blame him, but like I said, he would show up at my house late at night to have sex with me and I wanted him back so badly I just did whatever he wanted. He didn’t want to even consider a relationship with me until I had started dating someone else, over a year after him and I had split up. I also later found out he had been driving by my house at night and occasionally following me, even before I cheated on him, I didn’t find this out until a few months ago when he told me he had been doing it since we started dating.
I feel terrible for him and for our kids. I feel like I ruined everyone’s life and I feel guilty that this still bothers him so much. I have been cheated on by everyone I had ever dated but that was when I was young as I have been with him since I was 19 and I’m now 34. I feel like I’m abandoning him when he’s “ill” but mentally and emotionally I just don’t feel like I can put in anymore effort. I also feel like he should be with someone he trusts and that is clearly never going to be me but I asked him for a divorce September 4th and he is pretty much refusing. I go back and forth about wanting one because sometimes things are different and I think there might be hope, but that doesn’t even last a day before things go right back to the way they have been. I just feel so stupid for thinking we could ever get past such a big thing and make it work. I feel like I wasted everyone’s life.
Post # 14
13 years is too long to be punished for anything in a relationship. you want out, so leave. you don’t owe this man anything other than to be a good co-parent for your kids.
Post # 15
cmsgirl : Thank you for your response. I am miserable and I don’t feel like we can ever make it work if its been this long. I didn’t realize how unhappy I had been until this incident with my co-worker and the Facebook post. I had never really refelcted on our relationship until that point. I mean I knew all along this was how it had been but somehow I guess I thought it was normal and that I deserved it after what I did. It wasn’t until he brought up divorce that I really realized what had been going on all these years.
Perhaps you are right and the Facebook meme was inappropriate. We had been going back and forth with memes and I saw that one and thought it was funny and maybe I shouldn’t have posted it. I’m just not sure how that alone was enough to make him “lose it”.