Husband has trust issues and I don't know if I can take it anymore

posted 11 months ago in Relationships
Post # 2
1400 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

valerielaquidara :  You got pregnant by a man you cheated on him with… and you are complaining about him having trust issues?  … For real?  

Post # 3
8860 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

I get the trust issues but he shouldn’t have gotten back together with you, much less married you if he couldn’t  truly forgive and move past it.

You did a terrible thing but you don’t deserve to be punished your entire life for it. I’d be so done with this marriage and speaking to a lawyer. It’s been years and years of this he’s not going to change, he’s not going to forgive you. I wouldn’t even try counseling. You’ve wasted more than enough time. Go find your happiness in life. Leave this bullshit behind.

Post # 4
3905 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Sorry bee but you’ve said you don’t want try fix your marriage. You’ve been in therapy and nothing has changed on his part. You pretty much have your answer. You leave and try and coparent as best as you can.

Just saying that sending a FB meme to a coworker with stick figures having sex is never a good idea even when your single or are in a relationship without any of the type of history you have posted on here. It pertains to a lack of judgement at the very least and can be misconstrued in a workplace environment. Be a bit more aware that actions can have huge ramifications in life…

Post # 5
1920 posts
Buzzing bee

You need to leave him, this is crazy!

Post # 6
1007 posts
Bumble bee

He sounds a bit obsessive. If you’re done then leave.

Post # 7
6943 posts
Busy Beekeeper

valerielaquidara :  

Yes you made a big mistake and you  paid for it , but he is never going to forgive you . Well, he is never going to forget or allow you to forget anyway . You will have to deal with   this your whole lives together I think .His behaviour over the neighbour shows he is an obssessive kind of a guy,  and you will pay the  price for your past and any ongoing bad judgement for ever with him. 

Sorry, but  I see no good outcome in staying  OP . 

Post # 8
180 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

No, this is not what you deserve after all of this time.  The way you make it sound, I think he is losing his grip a bit and you can softly sit him down and tell him how much you love him and need him to come back to focusing on loving you and all of your kids rather than worry about all of this outside nonsense, but it is a long shot if he is willing to recognize his unhappiness so as he can then actively try to work on it.  Sometimes, just sitting people down and asking them sincerely if they’re happy can get you a long way to where you need to get to in helping form self-awareness within them… 

He sounds so sad and miserable coming from someone who legit is OCD and gets stuck in looping obsessions from time to time, but the difference is that I know I am not okay in those moments and when I can’t figure out how to help myself, I listen and force myself to trust my hubs to help guide me back in no matter how uncomfortable what he asks from me is at the time.  We know your husband doesn’t trust you, but before you pack up and leave, I’d try to have one last touching moment where I told him how much I have loved him and never thought of anyone else since your mistake…  Basically, pouring your heart out in earnest before asking him if he can try and trust you for reals this time.  Ask him if he believes he can stop with all the nonsense about other people and let you live, knowing that you only want to come home to him even when he hurts you with his distrust.  If he seems to really embrace the topic, ask if he would go to a therapist on his own to help sort out what’s been going on in his head and figure out if it’s possible, and how, to learn to trust others and not live in paranoia all the time.  Tell him you want him to be happy again.

No one’s to say this isn’t a shot in the dark, but it might be worth one last ditch effort (completely up to you) before getting on with your life again.  You shouldn’t be living like this.  I have put my husband through a few months at a time of endless worrying over my mental state, and I can tell you that that is something I feel endless guilt over but try to use the memories of the pain I caused him to keep me focused on taking care of myself (and thus, him) as well as being open to hearing him when he points out things that I need to be careful over (so as not to slip too far down the rabbit hole).  And this is months I am talking–you are talking YEARS of non-stop accusations and ridicule.  You have paid a debt over and over again for your mistake, and it is time to quit accepting punishment.  He sounds as though he is no longer coherent enough in this realm to be reasonable, and so it is time to stop allowing him to dictate morality and to take your life back.

Whatever you do, don’t let things keep on as they are.  You get to be happy with or without him, you just have to move towards the light in one way or another.  If he isn’t going to come around, you no longer owe it to him to wait it out–you have waited long enough and it sounds miserable.  You have never deserved misery, no matter what you or he may think.

Post # 9
77 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: City Hall

Forgiveness and trust take a long time to build…even longer to rebuild. I was cheated on and have to make the decision every day to try to move on in my marriage without looking at every single thing in a negative way. You need to seek counseling both individual and joint. I pray y’all get the help you need…and the children as well.

Post # 10
9230 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

valerielaquidara :  

You got out of one abusive relationship and right into another.

He makes up conversations?  

If you hadn’t cheated eons ago, he would find something else to torment you about.  This is not about trust issues, it’s about your husband’s controlling behavior.  It will only get worse.  

How old is he?  

This is not a simple neurosis, like OCD.  And an abundance of caution is necessary.

No, you are not sentenced to live this way for the rest of your life.  Leaving is what needs to happen.  But, you’ll want to do it carefully with a well thought out exit plan. This is the kind of guy who can become quite dangerous.

Post # 11
180 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

sassy411 :  Yeah, the made up conversations gives me pause, too.  I wonder if OP actually believes he thinks they happened and wants her to believe it as well, or if he is just being dumbly stubborn in lying to get his ‘point’ across.  If OP thinks he really believes these happened and wants to convice her of it as well, then caution is a must as he then goes into the category of unpredictable/incoherent (especially, when linked with his thoughts towards OP).

The controlling behavior, I wonder whether it is bad behavior that has been reinforced by OP’s obedience out of guilt, and can thus be undone, or if he is just controlling in general.  What was he like before you cheated OP/valerielaquidara :?  Were there signs then of unhealthy behaviors?  Are you at all scared of what he may do if you stay or go?

Post # 12
635 posts
Busy bee

Somehow I feel like there is more to this than what meets the eye. We are hearing only half the story. You are both equally responsible.

You initiated contact with this man, and I’m presuming began developing a romantic relationship with him while both he and you were in relationships with other people. You then cheated on him and even had a child from this… If they cheat with you, they will cheat on you, springs to mind. Considering the history here, I don’t blame him for having trust issues.

Sending stick figures of a sexual act to a co-worker? That’s a real lack of judgement and inappropriate workplace behavior, and you still say this is no big deal.

From what you have written thus far, it seems that you might be engaging in flirtatious behavior with men that is similarly not a big deal to you, but a big deal for your husband. I don’t think he has ever gotten over the fact that you cheated on him. The only reason he married you is because he couldn’t bear to see you with another man. He insisted you bear his child so he is always a part of you. Your husband is possessive and obsessive with terrible insecurities and no amount of therapy will fix this.

If this makes you so unhappy and physically sick, leave. You don’t deserve to be strung up and treated badly for having an affair for the rest of your life. I feel bad for the three children who have been brought into this.

Post # 14
1432 posts
Bumble bee

13 years is too long to be punished for anything in a relationship. you want out, so leave. you don’t owe this man anything other than to be a good co-parent for your kids.

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