(Closed) Husband home from deployment soon – how to deal with MIL

posted 4 years ago in Relationships
Post # 106
Member
480 posts
Helper bee

MissStoGee:  I’m not sure what you are disagreeing with. My argument was not that the Mother-In-Law should have the first hug. Actually, I didn’t even really have an argument. It was more like a protest about the wife’s insistence that there should be an order . . . that SHE was more important, therefore should be first to give her husband a hug. It’s her overall attitude and demeanor that seems a bit inappropriate. Sure, her husband has been away for awhile and she missed him. I get that. But it’s not like the whole hug thing should turn into a contest – Sheesh! Quite frankly, I find this entire argument ridiculuous, and at this point wish I had not bothered to say anything at all. What a waste of time it turned out to be.

Post # 107
Member
2340 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

Not military, but why would you meeting him alone and then taking him over to his mothers later for a family get-together “cause havoc in the family”? 

Can’t this just be presumed to be the case? This is his first homecoming since marrying, now is the time to do it if ever. 

It sounds like many other military families do this, is it different in his battalion/ on your base?

Please no more “I get to hug him first” texts. That’s just grim.  

Post # 108
Member
45 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2015

Military spouse here, I understand your frustration. My Mother-In-Law is the same way with boundaries but thankfully we’ve moved across the ocean so she can’t butt in, regardless, my husband has talked to her about this kind of thing and she got the hint after I started to act slightly bitchy, I love her but she was just all up in our business…I just couldn’t help myself. Anyway, maybe you could casually bring it up and see if she’ll do the same thing and if she shows hints of doing it I would be crazy and barge through the crowd just to beat her. Lol.

Post # 109
Member
2340 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

Does your husband have a preference for a large welcoming committee? For example why was your mother there the second time? If that’s his preference all well and good. I’m pretty sure I’d prefer to be met by my husband and possibly children, depending how long the wait is for them if they’re little. Then go home, eat, enjoy sleeping in my own comfortable bed and wake up fresh and ready for  a celebration event with family. That way his mum can monopolise him at the family do while you take a step back and everyone is happy.  

I hate to think of him getting off the bus, seeing you both there, and having to negotiate your feelings knowing he can’t please both of you. That would piss me right off. 

Post # 110
Member
2340 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

Does your husband have a preference for a large welcoming committee? For example why was your mother there the second time? If that’s his preference all well and good. I’m pretty sure I’d prefer to be met by my husband and possibly children, depending how long the wait is for them if they’re little. Then go home, eat, enjoy sleeping in my own comfortable bed and wake up fresh and ready for  a celebration event with family. That way his mum can monopolise him at the family do while you take a step back, and everyone is happy.  

I hate to think of him getting off the bus, seeing you both there, and having to negotiate your feelings knowing he can’t please both of you. That would piss me right off. 

Post # 111
Member
881 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2006

betterbuckley:  

I also don’t understand why some Bees are acting like the OP is at fault for her mother holding back the overbearing Mother-In-Law. It isn’t as if the OP schemed that decision with her mother beforehand. The OP’s mother was just being kind to her daughter when the situation arised. 

The fact that this Mother-In-Law feels threatened by the OP’s importance in her son’s life and behaves like she is more important is the problem. She may be his mother but her son is a husband now. Lots of mothers have a hard time letting go and this is the crux of this particular issue. The hug conflict is a symptom. 

 

Post # 112
Member
5219 posts
Bee Keeper

I think the biggest issue here is that the OP’s husband has specifically stated that he wanted his wife to be the first person he hugs/sees when he gets home. That, to me, is who gets the say here. Not the mom. Not the wife. The returning soldier stated explicitly who he wants to greet first. 

My ex-dh was military and deployed, and it’s not “just a hug”.. homecomings are HUGE deals, as they should be. There’s a lot of emphasis placed on who is there, the significance of the moment, etc. People hire professional photographers to capture these moments… it is a very big deal. 

Post # 114
Member
134 posts
Blushing bee

im not a military wife, but I get it. She is crossing boundaries. That’s disrespectful. I’m sure it’s also a little bit of a territorial thing too. 

So I get why not letting her hug him first and waiting ten seconds for you’re turn isnt something you want to do. It’s the principle of the matter.

your Darling Husband needs to side step her and say the words “where is my wife”

Post # 115
Member
7371 posts
Busy Beekeeper

It is a big deal. Totally get it. But she’s made it clear how she will react. As I get older I believe in accepting people as they are and not how I want them to be. So either accept that she will bully her way first again or don’t invite her. Talking to her about it beforehand will get you no where. What the alternative scenario, husband going to, move aside his mom as she goes to hug him first, hug his wife and get back to mom. Or fistcuff’s between mom and DIL. Don’t invite her problem solved. 

EDIT: After reading a response on the second page, not inviting her is a bad idea. She gave him life and raised him to be the man you now love. So be the bigger person IF she does act up. That’s a big if, because we don’t know if she’ll do this again or not. We are making an assumption on her past behavior.

Should she act up, personally, I’d write it off as simply a hug it takes few seconds. He’s now home, alive without injury, ultimately that is what matters most.

The timing of hug pales in comparison that you BOTH have a privilege that many military families don’t get. A “first” hug versus a very sad potential alternative.

Post # 116
Member
235 posts
Helper bee

I’m miliary and I understand!!!! 

If you and your husband agree, agree that he doesnt hug her first but you! If she hugs him first, he doesn’t hug back until he hugged you and kissed your first. 

Problem solved no matter what your Mother-In-Law decides to do. 😉 

Post # 117
Member
583 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

I’m not a military wife, but we were long distance for over 4 years so I get it. It’s a boundary thing. Mums need to let go of their darling babies eventually. My Mother-In-Law is still very huggy with Darling Husband and it’s a bit odd even though we’re now married and see each other every day. Overprotective! 

Post # 118
Member
524 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

What’s your relationship like with your Mother-In-Law outside of this issue?

 

Post # 119
Member
637 posts
Busy bee

if I were in your position, I would just have your husband (IF she tried to run up to get the first hug, and maybe she won’t now that you are married) slightly nudge or was past her and beeline straight to you. He shouldn’t be rude, but maybe grab her shoulders and say excitedly “just one second mom! I have to find (your name)”. That way it is clear that it was his decision, so she can’t get mad, but you and your husband get the moment (mostly) you want. I think if you are having boundary issues, and always has to be the Darling Husband who stands up for what you want as a couple.

Best of luck with all of this! I hope you know how much I appreciate your husband’s service, and the sacrifice that you and his family make by being apart and the stress that must come with that!! 

Post # 120
Member
888 posts
Busy bee

If she’s going to be an insecure child about it there’s not a lot you can do. IF she somehow barges her way through and has the first hug, just make sure your hug is longer and thow in some passionate kissing while you’re at it. She can’t compete with that!!

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