Post # 106
bougainvillea : in that case, I look at it from a different perspective. Spending 8k on a few hours of increased comfort when you as a family aren’t so wealthy as for money to be no onbject (and therefore for you both to obviously sit in business) is nuts. Tell him that the financially responsible thing to do is for you both to sit in economy plus and put the left over 7k into savings, or an additional vacation. That is both fair, practical, and truly treats your joint money as joint and not “his” and “yours”
Post # 107
I think this boils down to the fact that while you earn less you are not worth less in the relationship. I earn significantly more than my SO right now, but I know that may not always be the case as he starts to establish his career. When we want to do fun things I bear the larger portion of the cost. But he helps make the plans, and gets say in what we do because his happiness and comfort is important to me. Having your husband tell you that the comfort and luxury would be lost on you seems like super-jerk behavior.
Post # 108
where are you traveling to all the time that flights cost $7-10k
Post # 109
I skipped a few pages, but my question is why don’t you take fewer/ cheaper trips? If we could only afford us sitting together 2x/ year, we’d travel 2x/year. Or, hubby could go by himself on a business class trip, and I’d take economy later to go on my own vacation. We’re either traveling together or we aren’t.
Post # 110
Not tall enough that it is a necessity.
So your point is that he’s too tall that you made in the beginning isn’t valid. It’s just that he wants the luxury of the seat, but for him only and not you. I mean, my husband and I have flown busniess separately (on the company dime) and while it’s nice.. .it’s def not 8k+ nice! We rather have another whole trip or two that we can BOTH enjoy for that kinda money. Flights are jsut a means to the end – getting to the destination – imo, neither class is memorable. I don’t reminisce on my business trips and go… ahhh, that flight was awesome. It was a nice luxury, but the trip wouldn’t have been tainted by an econ flight.
He can earn up to 1.8k a day (overtime)
So it’d still take him 3-5 days of work to make up the different to pay for a business class ticket… for what? Cost of time to work vs flight time benefit still doesnt seem beneficial to me. Wouldn’t that extra be better spent to benefit the two of you in a more lasting way? Toward the house? Furishings? Another trip? Retirement investments? Goodness, anything at all… think about the hourly rate of this flight. If it was even 7500 more for a 21 hr flight.. that’s at least 350/hour for this experience.
He likes fancy hotels, I just want a clean room so he pays for us to stay at expensive places without complaining.
You mean he pays for fancy hotels so that HE can stay there, and you just happen to be along for the ride? What else would he do, get another simple clean room to stay in seprately cause that’s good enough for you?
I feel perhaps I must be painting a very one-sided picture of him because he’s not entirely selfish (although this behaviour may be)…. He would never eat steak, or lobster and did not enjoy the michelin star meal I took him too back when I was his girlfriend and even poorer as a student.
So he let a poor student treat him to a michelin star restaurant even though he is not a foodie and into that. What a gentleman, how unselfish of him to let you pay for an expensive meal for him. Really? How does one have selffish behavior, but is not selffish?
But if you really think it’s justifiable and he deserves this cause you seem to be coming to his defense about why this should be ok… why are you asking about it?
Post # 111
If you can’t afford for both people to fly in the same class then you can’t afford the vacation, IMO.
No fucking way would I ask my already workaholic husband to work more shifts so I can buy a $10k plane ticket. That just like, boggles my mind. Although I’m fairly certain Darling Husband would never consider spending that much on one ticket, even if we were loaded. A few hours of discomfort isn’t worth the cost of an entire vacation.
Post # 112
bougainvillea : do you have your luxury item too? Do you spend money on things that you get, and he doesn’t? Like a few fancy handbags, spa…..
It wouldn’t bother me really. As I have said, it sounds like he’s providing you a lot, so if he wants to splurge on a flight ticket, why not?
Post # 113
The only way I’d ever in a million years be ok with Darling Husband flying business and me flying economy was if it was a random once in a lifetime upgrade where only one of us could move. In that case, I’d gladly offer that Darling Husband sit in economy. He’s 6’6″ and I’m 5’4″, so he’d be in heaven, where as I’d fit quite comfortably in economy. BUT if he regularly set there while I had to chill in economy, heck no!
With all that being said, if my above scenario ever happened, I’m pretty sure my Darling Husband would flat out refuse to be upgraded without me.
Post # 114
bougainvillea : from your updates it feels like you’re both coming at this with the wrong mindsets.
He seems to be coming at this from the point of view that he makes more money and gets final say. It seems like you spend more because of his tastes and with your tastes the holiday would overall be much cheaper. He gets final say to say you sleep on the plane anyway so can sit in economy because you won’t remember the benefit. Although surely his argument is that he wants to sleep in business, so assuming he doesn’t remember his flight either?
On the other hand, you seem to be resentful of his success and that he earns more. You seem to hold your place in his career very highly with a sense of entitlement.
Last time my husband and I flew, was long haul and I was morbidly obese. I’m 5’ 4 and my husband is 6’ 3, so obviously I’m not as tall but I was just as uncomfortable as him in economy. Even when I’ve not been morbidly obese, I’ve been as uncomfortable as him because we tend to lean into the ones we love, rather than strangers. Like your husband, I don’t sleep in economy, so staying awake on a night time flight is boring and uncomfortable. I’m still not going to pay extra to sit in business and leave my husband in economy. Or be happy if my husband does the same. Now, I also understand that you might have made some sacrifices for your husband’s career. I originally earnt more than my husband but was on a temporary contract. So his permanent contract took priority. We’ve based ourselves near his work. He then studied and I took on more of the housework, more of the emotional labour. My career has been more disjointed and now he earns more than me, we are still located based on his job. If there was a great career opportunity on the other side of the country, realistically I couldn’t go for it because my husband isn’t going to have a job there (we’re both in really niche areas). I’m looking for another role but because we probably want kids and his job isn’t flexible, I need to ensure whatever I move to has flexibility. On top of all that, at his promotion interview he mentioned he was married with a house because his managers said it makes him appear more settled and ready to promote. I try to avoid any mention of my husband in interviews for fear that they assume I’ll be leaving to have kids. My career is (probably) worse off for being married. However, my husband recognises the support I’ve given him but it’s also his work and I wouldn’t take that from him. I’m not sure if you’re not getting the acknowledgment that you need from your husband that is causing the resentment or you’re unhappy with your job which is leading to it.
I’m not really sure how to address this issue as you both seem to viewing it solely from your inputs and not a collective approach.
Post # 115
Now I’ve heard everything.
Post # 116
Some of these responses have me scratching my head. A lot of assumptions being made. It doesn’t sound like OP is some lady of leisure who just goes to brunch all day while her husband works 80 hrs a week to support her extravagant lifestyle. She has a job too, just doesn’t earn as much. And the people who are stuck on the cleaning lady expense seem to be overlooking the fact that her husband is benefiting from that service just as much as she is.
And even if she was a stay at home wife, why should she be a second class citizen to her own husband because he’s the one contributing financially? Regardless of how finances are handled (joint accounts vs separate), shouldn’t both partners be equal in a marriage? I don’t understand the mindset that because she earns less she’s entitled to less nice things than him.
As someone who earns significantly less than my husband and also works fewer hours so I can care for our kid, a HUGE amount of the emotional labor of running the house falls to me, and you cannot put a price tag on that. Also, dh has a very stressful job and definitely leans heavily on me for emotional and moral support. He would be the first to say he wouldn’t be where he is today without me. That doesn’t mean I can take credit for his talent or his drive of course, but all the time spent propping him up, counseling him when he’s got some work related conundrum, encouraging him when shit seems bleak, etc. – it’s a type of emotional support that cannot be quantified. Not to mention, my career definitely had to take a back seat to his because we moved across the country for his dream job, which meant I had to quit my job and start over in a new place. So the fact that I earn significantly less is actually a direct result of him now earning much more, if that makes sense. Perhaps it’s somethint similar with OP though who knows.
Finally, for the record, $7-10k is standard pricing for a biz class overseas ticket. It’s insane. Every time we fly overseas (which is 1-2x a year cause my husband’s family lives abroad), we look into upgrading, but we can never justify it because like OP said, the cost of one ticket would be greater than what we’d spend on the entire vacay. So instead we just do economy plus so my 6’3 husband has some room to stretch his legs.
Post # 117
bougainvillea : told my SO about your post. His comment was “that’s just weird”. He said rather than paying for a business class ticket for me, he’d booked two premium economy tickets to sit together. A compromise. But he wondered if this issue is an actual issue or a made-up one coz most people wouldn’t do that to their wives/partners. It doesn’t make logical sense to him.
Did you even ask him why he booked the plane tickets this way, or did you just let this simmer inside you?
Post # 118
Clearly your husband is not that tall because you’d be telling us the exact figure if he was some giant. This post is so bizarre.
My husband is 6”4, and he is very uncomfortable in regular economy seats. I hate to see him comfortable, so if he wanted to pay more for his comfort, I wouldn’t even have a problem with it. However, business class is a big waste of money in my opinion. There are thee seats that provide extra legroom and your husband could afford to buy you BOTH those tickets.
When you said business class is $8K, is that like an international flights with beds and things? Super fancy lying down seats? If he’s doing that and leaving you in steerage, that’s super tacky.
Post # 119
Well, I’m coming at it from a different angle. I am actually the breadwinner in my family and when we fly overseas this summer, I will pay for my husband to get the upgrade and I will fly economy. As soon as the plane starts moving, I fall asleep. I can sleep anywhere, on any thing, and so it doesn’t bother me at all to sleep on a plane. My husband is 6’5″, all legs and a really light sleeper. Flying a few hours is tough for him, I can’t imagine how he will do flying overseas (he’s never been, I have mulitple times). We are both flying economy to the first stop (we live in the Midwest, so we are both flying economy to the east coast) then he will go to business, and I will go to economy and promptly fall asleep! We will be taking an overnight flight, so I am hoping he sleeps as well. He is really crabby when he doesn’t get enough sleep, so me buying him the upgraded ticket is not only my gift to him to be more comfortable, but its for my sanity so we don’t get there and he is super crabby from not sleeping all night, while I am ready to go see the sites!
He would never insist that he get an upgrade and I don’t, though. And since I pay for all of our vacations, I would never insist that I sit in business and make him sit in economy. He is actually kind of dissappointed that we won’t be sitting together on the plane, but I insisted that I will be passed out, so it just doesn’t make sense for both of us to fly upgraded. He is excited for the treat and we are both flying economy back, as he has a ton of vacation days saved up, and I haven’t worked at my current job for long, so I don’t. So when we get back, I have to go to work the next day and he is taking an additional couple of days off. So he can catch up on sleep and he will clean the house and unpack all of our bags, and do laundry and do all of that stuff while I’m at work. Since I hate unpacking, this is a completely fair trade in my opinion!
Post # 120
That’s awesome! I could see doing the same as a gift to my husband if we could afford it. I think it makes all the difference though if one partner is gifting the other a biz class ticket as opposed to insisting on purchasing it for themselves while leaving the other to rot in economy lol. Sunshine024 :