Post # 16
- Wedding: February 2018 - UK
Do you even like this man? Your updates sound like you despise him, why do you even want to salvage it? Is this really who you want to spend the rest of your life with? You’re clearly both miserable…
Post # 17
oh Bee, I’m so sorry for you. I think things have just degraded to a point there’s no coming back. I went through a similar situation in my last marriage and it was soul sucking. My husband would literally go to school and flop on the couch playing video games and THAT WAS IT. Going to the grocery store was even miserable because he would complain the entire time. He wouldn’t even walk the dog with me. He was depressed and I knew it, but he would not do a thing to get some help. I had to walk away. We are on good terms now and he is still the same way all these years later.
Post # 18
Personally, I have no issue with an internet addiction. I admit, I have one myself as does my boyfriend. But we still make plenty of time for each other, spend quality time together, do chores together, take care of our pets together, plan and go on trips together, etc. We usually spend a portion of everyday and every evening doing quality stuff together and stuff alone. When we do things alone (which is usually 2-2.5 hours on weeknights – keep in mind we end work at 5pm and go to bed at midnight), we both just go on the computer. He spends ALL of his “alone time” on the computer. I spend mine on the computer and watching TV (usually sitcoms). We are massive introverts and HATE parties or hanging out with large groups of people. We each have small groups of friends that we see occasionally. All of my partner’s hobbies are on the computer (he’s a software developer and likes pursuring his personal projects). But even when he’s not working on a personal project, he usually just watches YouTube or TV shows plays video games or reads things online. Doesn’t bother me at all (because I’m like that too) as long as it doesn’t interfere with our relationship.
However, based on this post it seems like your partner isn’t making ANY effort in any part of your relationship. If you want to make it work, you could try couple’s counselling.
Post # 19
If he’s so awful to be with, leave him.
Post # 20
starcatcher, how are you doing? 1 failed IVF can take it’s toll on a person, but 7 is a lot to handle. we went through 3 failed IUIs and 1 failed IVF. and i know i had totally withdrawn from everything during that time. it’s tough .
i hope you are getting the help you need too. and it sounds like you need therapy separately from him.
Post # 21
It sounds like the two of you aren’t a match AND you’ve been dealing with a lot of really challenging situations in your relationship (but not handling them as partners but as two people who happen to be chained together).
Your first post ended with “Help” – a divorce attorney will do exactly that.
Post # 22
This sounds a lot like there are 2 sides to this story and we can’t ever know the other side. I can only urge to see if you can actually find out his side of the story and empathise with it. Your posts are pretty vicious. It is impossible to tell from here who is wrong, why it’s wrong or what’s gone wrong but I hope you can open your mind to other possibilities beyond – he is pure scum – otherwise you may as well just call it day which is also an option.
Post # 24
I cant find anyone else. got married old and that was a huge struggle in terms of dating that I cannot do again. people sort of overlook me and are polite to me but never see me as a romantic prospect. like no one has flirted with me in the last *five years*
Dunno about the therapist, I figured she was just a racist white lady who got charmed by his charm. Dunno if he is a narcissist but he has no self insight, refuses to apologize for anything even when asked, never seems to feel bad about anything, and is *very very charming* in person.
Post # 25
All of that is probably true. I knew I was settling in terms of his level of achievement, but didn’t know that he was emotionally self-centered. I mean my leg could be broken and he would be complaining yOuR ClOseT is ToO FuLL.
so divorce would be a life “loss” and because of other unrelated level 10 catastrophes that have happened (jobrelated, family), getting married is the only win Ive ever had.
people who are dating now are having a *horrible experience* that I know and theyre super depressed. I can’t find energy to date because the entire rest of my life is 1 big question-mark too
Post # 26
thank you for asking. Been in therapy, we haven’t even gotten to that stuff yet because there is so much childhood and husband and work trauma!
Post # 27
you sound like you’re both going through A LOT, with both of your own separate issues and issues in your marriage. I have had two very bad and traumatic years with deaths in mine and my husbands immediate family, then we also did fertility treatments and IVF for almost 2 years , then the pandemic so I definitely get it and it did take a toll on our marriage. For us we were able to work through it and have a foundation of love and respect for one another. Time has healed some thing a a bit for us and we’ve been able to move forward together.
but in your case, It doesn’t sound like either of you wants to be married to the other or to make it work or even to make things better. I’m not sure it’s worth salvaging this marriage since it seems like you don’t even like him very much and resent him. It sounds like you’re almost fully separated, with him living at his moms and maybe he should just move into her house full time so you can do a trial separation and see how you both feel without the other. I think you will find that your life is probably better off without him and maybe that’s the push you need to move on with your life. Good luck to you.
Post # 28
You need to end this relationship. It doesn’t even matter what “the truth” is. If this is how you view this person, you should not be in a relationship with him. It is not healthy for either of you.
Better to have “a big question mark” then to be actively doing harm to yourself and to somebody you are supposed to love. Being married to a person you despise and who doesn’t seem to make you feel supported is not a “win.”
Post # 29
How in the world is a terrible marriage a win? Marriage isn’t some sort of achievement or special elevated status. Marriage to the right partner should add something good to your life, not make you so miserable you hate your spouse. Does he know that you just settled for him because you couldn’t find anyone better even though you don’t even like him?
It’s much better to be alone and happy than to stay in a marriage that only makes you miserable.
Post # 30
You aren’t actually REQUIRED to be married, though. Alone and happy is better than married and miserable any day of the week, imo. Alone and learning to be happy is better than married and miserable, too.
It does sound like you need the support of a good therapist, as well, though. Navigating numerous miscarriages, feeling disconnected from your spouse (and from other people around you, too, it sounds like), feeling overlooked and unconsidered – all of those (and the resulting feelings) are really hard to shoulder on your own.