Post # 1
I need advice. My husband is having a hard time adjusting to the new changes we have in our life. When I first met my husband we had the same job where we both worked late night hours. We would both get home around the same time and we would both go to bed around the same time (Usually 4 or 5 in the morning.) We got married and It was great! However, then I got pregnant and had to get a different job. Usually I would fall asleep on the couch waiting for him to get home. He still stayed up late and most of the time he would move me to the bed and fall asleep on the couch. But, this wasn’t a huge deal because he always made sure to come to bed with me later. Now, we’ve had some big changes. We have a beautiful baby and we moved states to be closer to family. However, it hasn’t been going well. He has a different job where the hours aren’t as late, but ever since we moved into our new house, he has been sleeping on the couch continuously. Usually, he will get off work, come home, watch tv, and drink a beer until 6 or 7 in the morning. This sucks, because with my new job, I have to leave usually around 6 or 7 in the morning, so he literally never crawls into bed until I have to leave. Sometimes I’ll ask him multiple times to come to bed and he will, but when I wake up, he is back on the couch again. On top of that, I’m usually the only one to take care of the baby during the night and day. I work at a daycare so I take my baby with me. And at night Im the only one to get her bottles and rock her back to sleep while my husband is sleeping peacefully on the couch. I have tried speaking to him but it seems to just make him upset. If I try to stay up with him he tells me to go to bed. He says he just wants to come home and de-stress by himself. This is causing a lot of tension because I don’t get to just “relax”. Even on my days off, I get up at 6am because the baby is up at 6am. (He says this is a choice?) Coupled with the fact that he tells me to go to bed when I try to spend time with him at night, and how he always says he’ll “be right there” or “be there soon” and then doesn’t come to bed until I have to leave, I just don’t know what to do. I feel so frustrated.
This brings us to recently.
I tried asking for help with the baby at night the other day and he refused to listen. I had to ask him to turn off the tv so I could talk to him without him being distracted, but then he just started playing on his phone. Finally, I got so frustrated, I left with the baby and stayed with family for the night. He called multiple times and seemed genuinely sorry, so I came back. Everything was great for a couple of days, but then one morning when I was off, his alarm on his phone kept going off. I waited 5 minutes but he never turned it off. I went to turn it off, and I saw a message on his phone. I waited until he woke up and opened his phone, then I took the phone and went through it. I found out, the night I had left, he went on plenty of fish and messaged a bunch of women. He says its not cheating because he was just trying to talk to someone since I had left. Needless to say, I did not feel the same. Most of them hadn’t responded but still. Instead of listening or going after your wife, your first response is to go on a dating website? I also saw he had an entire tumblr dedicated to porn and he had been messaging a woman back in the state we had come from about how much he hated it here. I am just at my wits end, I don’t know what I am supposed to do. I just feel so disrespected and alone. I feel like he is a great guy most of the time but he is such a creature of habit that with all the changes, he’s almost, like, acting out? What are some tips on helping him to adjust so I can save my marriage? Can it be saved at this point? <!–Clip_XXXX_171123_093432_697–>
Post # 2
Great guy? Helping him ‘adjust’? WTF? He’s a skank. He’s always been a skank.
Helping him ‘adjust’ won’t de-skank him.
Read what you wrote. He messaged a bunch of women because you left. He takes NO responsibility for his own atrocious behavior.
You feel disrespected because you are disrespected.
As for alone—you’d be way better off.
We haven’t even gotten into his terrible fathering.
Post # 3
He sounds really immature. The life change of moving locations is not *that* hard (I’ve done it repeatedly). Takes time to adjust, but it doesn’t remotely justify this. If this is what he does with minor life challenges…
Post # 4
“Help him adjust”?? Geez, he’s not a dog, or a child. He’s a grown ass man, right?? I would think he could figure out how to adjust to a new state and baby without looking for other women to screw? He has no respect for you. He can’t even be bothered to lift a finger for his baby? It’s his too, right? He should be doing his share of raising his own child, not being begged to “help” out with his child. And to not even be able to have a conversation with you without being distracted by the tv or phone, that’s ridiculous. How can he be great “most the time” when it seems like you barely even see him now.
Post # 5
He sounds like an asshole. Nothing in your post makes him sound like a great guy struggling to adjust. He’s an asshole who refuses to help care for his own child and is cheating on his wife. Hell yes, I would consider his dating apps cheating or at the very least he’s actively looking to cheat but he’s enough of a loser that no one is interested.
I suppose you could do counseling but he doesn’t sound interested in trying.
Post # 6
TBH I think his dating app and tumblr porn shit is the reason why he is “sleeping on the couch” ..the timeline seems convenient and I think this behavior started awhile ago and has now gotten worse.
his attitude regarding his child is concerning re: it’s a choice to get up at 6am. What the fuck kind of drugs is he on?
also the drinking before bed and all around acting like a douchebag, I have no idea why you are putting up with this bullshit. I would kick him the fuck out.
Post # 7
I think is high time you take off the blinders and put you and your child first.
This “man” is not a good father, nor husband, and has no place in your family life.
Real men (adults) don’t start going on dating sites because their SO is angry and left for the night. They fix it or they end it.
Post # 8
I think change is inevitable in relationships, especially when big forces are involved like having children. It sounds to me like he’s trying to hang onto the way life was and unfortunately, it can’t be. Personally it would not be acceptable to me if any time my husband and I were experiencing conflict he thought it was ok to turn to other women for comfort and attention.
It sounds to me like your past attempts to explain what you need haven’t change things so I’d personally seek out a professional if I were you. And that’s if he’s willing to make changes and work on himself to make things work.
Post # 9
My husband worked overnight his whole life until we met. When he moved to my city to be with me (someone with a regular 9-5 job) he gave up the overnight jobs and adjusted to having a regular day job so that we could spend as much time together as possible, even though he preferred working overnights. Why does he have to work overnight if it’s causing such problems in your marriage? Could he not find a daytime job so you wouldn’t be sole care provider for your child?
Which brings me to the second part of this. If his first response to having a fight and you leaving is to get on dating apps and hit up other women, I have to tell you he isn’t a great guy. And that probably wasn’t his first time on a dating site during your relationship if that’s his first reaction. Sounds like there is a lot you haven’t uncovered.
Post # 10
We must have different definitions of great guy then. These are more than just quirky, annoying flaws – like he gets pissy for a few hours after his team loses or he really sucks at balancing the checkbook or he never writes down what you tell him when you ask him to pick up a few things at the store and you end up with half of what you asked for. This sounds like more than just having trouble adjusting – he just sounds completely disinterested in being a husband or a father and hasn’t been interested for quite some time. Presumably the move was a mutual decision and closer to both your families. Changing work hours and moving doesn’t make a guy completely check out and go trolling for women online.
According to you he:
- Doesn’t spend time with you
- Expressly stated he doesn’t want to spend time with you and wants to relax by himself and goes out of his way to leave you when he thinks you won’t notice
- Refuses to engage in conversation to better your marriage
- Refuses to participate in the care of his child
- Keeps a secret tumblr of porn rather than spending his time with you (note: I have zero problems with porn, but when it interferes with normal relationship interactions then it’s a problem)
- Messages women he knows about his dissatisfaction with his life (and I’ll bet a whole lot more)
- Trolls dating sites (there are infinite places on the internet – forums, hobby specific interest boards and chat apps, etc. so you’re a fool if you believe he just wanted to talk to someone…after all, you’re talking to people on this board instead of looking on a dating app for someone just to “chat” with).
- Responds to conflict by ignoring you and/or trolling dating sites
There’s no amount of “Well, he buys me really thoughtful birthday presents and takes the garbage out” or whatever you seem to think are his positives that would make him a great guy because great guy and all of the things listed above are mutually exclusive. They just are. He’s just a shitty husband and father who managed to posess a few not shitty traits, too. Because most shitty people aren’t 100% shitty, but not being 100% shitty doesn’t equal being a great person either.
So, either get therapy to work through it if you’re unable to communicate on your own or move on from this marriage to live a life without being saddled by a disinterested partner and father and hopefully find someone who is interested or accept that you are essentially a single parent with a roommate and keep on keeping on.
Post # 11
How frustrating. It sounds like your husband is just a poor husband and partner and when things aren’t going the way HE wants them to, he doesn’t take actions to address or fix them, he checks out and acts out. If all he thinks he needs to do is go to work (and, therefore, contribute is a bit of money to care for the baby) do you actually need him around at all? He’s a new father and isn’t doing anything to care for his child and he’s also not all that concerned about your well-being, either. He doesn’t sound like the kind of person to keep around.
Post # 12
he may have been a great guy while you didn’t know about his activities. But now you know he is not a great guy.
This is blatant disrespect, and grounds for separation in my book.
Post # 13
- Wedding: November 2019 - Canada
What value does that man even add to your life? He never wants to hang out with you, doesnt help care for your child, has no interest in communicating with you. I get that life changes are hard and require an adjustment period. An adjustment period is not sleeping away from your partner, chatting up other women, ignoring your child and refusing to be an active participant in the relationship. This man is not a partner. You deserve better. So he either needs to become the partner you deserve, or you can leave and find someone else who can be the partner you deserve.
Post # 14
He has checked out of this relationship almost completely. This has nothing to do with the changes to your schedules or where you live. Not only does he not make an effort to spend time with you and the baby, he actively avoids it when the opportunity presents itself.
Then when you finally leave, not only does it not serve as a wake up call, but he jumps at the opportunity to pursue other women. You need to get out of this bee. Unless he agrees to therapy and a complete overhaul of his behaviour I can’t even see what is left to save.
Post # 15
Sweetie, you could go to the mall, close your eyes, randomly throw a ball, and hit a better guy than this. He doesn’t sound like a great guy at all- he doesn’t even sound like a decent husband or an interested father. I honestly think you would be better off as a single mom than to be married to a man who puts himself before his wife and child- not a decision to be taken lightly, but been there done that and never once regretted it. You deserve better than this D-list bottomfeeder.