- 5 years ago
- Wedding: April 2011
We’ve been married for almost 3 years (together for 9) and we are expecting a baby in roughly 5 weeks. He’s been a great partner and husband so far, and I love him to bits. I just found out he’s been lying to me about some things.
A few weeks ago he told me he joined a local facebook group that’s totally secret (you can’t see content or even search the group unless you are a member or you are invited to join), for people in our town to get together online and shoot the shit. He’s mentioned the group a few times in passing, mostly telling me about discussions that have taken place on there, or funny things that have been shared. He’s made some new friends on there as well, and has mentioned a couple of names to me. He’s even met up with a couple of the guys on there at the pub for a few drinks.
A couple of weeks ago he asked if it was ok if he went to the pub with the guys from his work, and I said that was fine. When he got home and I asked him how his night was, he told me, but for some reason I got the feeling he was being shifty about it. Body language, tone of voice…I’m not sure what tipped me off, but I suddenly got the feeling he was lying to me. I let it go. Fast forward a few days and I pick up the ipad to log in to facebook, and it’s open to his facebook and logged in to his account already. I went to sign out and saw he had a facebook chat open with a woman whose name I didn’t recognize. I read the chat (I know, I shouldn’t have). It was totally innocent on his part: she had messaged him from the group asking his advice on what kind of tires to put on her vehicle for winter, since she had seen him say he used to work at a tire shop, he replied and gave her recommendations, she said thanks, asked if he was single, he replied stating that he’s “married, happily”, and sent her a picture of us together.
Curiosity sparked, and I decided to go into the secret group and see what the attraction was (again, I know I shouldn’t have). Well, I see it’s all perfectly harmless, but that he’s been making comments and posts on there and lying about our life. He’s been talking about trips we’ve never taken, things we’ve never done, making up friends and family members, lying about who he is. I know a lot of people lie online about who they are, and there’s nobody in the group that we know personally who would ever know he’s lying. He’s not flirting or acting inappropriately, he’s basically creating a sort of alter ego. I also saw some comments between him and a couple of people about them going out the week before and meeting up for drinks, on the night he told me he was going out with co-workers. Because I realized I caught him in a lie, and my instincts had been right, I’ve been monitoring his facebook activity for the last week or so (again, I know I shouldn’t, but his lying to me about who he is disturbed me enough to keep spying). He said he was helping his best friend move something heavy for his wife, and he was actually helping move something heavy for a guy he knows from this group. He said he was going for coffee with his cousin, and he went for coffee with another friend from the group. And tonight, he said he was going for drinks with his co-workers as a goodbye for a guy who just quit, and I checked online and he’s actually going to a Halloween party being thrown by a member of this group, and a bunch of the people from the group will be there.
I don’t know what to do here. I’ve checked his conversations with the people of the group, and they are all totally innocent other than the fact that he’s lying to them. He’s not cheating. I know he’s not cheating, and I know he never would. He talks about me and our life, he talks with these people about how excited he is to be a father soon. He hasn’t changed at all on the home front other than the lies about who he’s spending time with outside of the house sometimes. He’s still affectionate and loving and sweet. He still texts me when he’s out with sweet nothings. I trusted him completely until I felt like he lied to me, and after I proved it to myself again and again I’m left feeling angry and upset and wondering if I should continue to trust him.
Logically, I think he’s lying to me to keep these friends separate from our real life. he’s created this fantasy persona with these people and he needs to keep them away from our life to keep up the pretense. I see that. But what worries me is why he would feel the need to create this persona in the first place, and why he would feel the need to lie and make his life seem more exciting or interesting. Is he unhappy? He seems to be so happy. When I ask him if he’s happy, he says he is, and he says it in a way that makes me believe it. He even tells these people how happy he is, in his marriage and with the baby coming. But if he’s truly happy, why does he feel this need to make new friends that aren’t part of our life and can’t really be part of our lives because of his lies?
And, finally, do I confront him about this, and if so, how? If I confront him I have to admit to having done something really shitty in spying on him, but at the same time I don’t want him to continue to lie to me. We’re used to saying how we feel, and being open and honest at all times. This is the first time I’ve ever paused and wavered over whether to be honest with him or not, but it’s also the first time I know he’s lied to me. I feel like he’s living a secret life, and I worry about how long it will last, and how much space it might put between us if it continues. We have a baby coming soon and I worry about the baby coming during a time when I feel my trust in my husband is slipping. Help? What should I do?