Husband is mad that I got him a birthday cake?

posted 1 year ago in Married Life
Post # 16
Member
146 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

I suggest you read the 5 love languages book and figure out how better to communicate to each other.

I’m an acts of service and gifts person and I would be hurt if my birthday went by without something but my Fiance is very aware of this and understands. For me it isn’t so much the physical gift, but the fact that it was thought about when I wasn’t right there. However, your husband’s love language could be words of affirmation and so gifts and things like the cake are things that he literally dies not want or care about and don’t actually sure him that you love him.

 

Post # 17
Member
1052 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2019

bunnkiwi7117 :  I call “The Anonymous Chocolate Penises” for my band name.

Post # 18
Member
742 posts
Busy bee

I think thats how he felt, “what gives? I gave her what she wanted.”

Post # 19
Member
3206 posts
Sugar bee

That behavior should not be expected or accepted for either sex/any gender- it’s just poor communication and manipulation. At this point, I’d just tell him “I’m sorry about the cake miscommunication, the last I remember is that you wanted oreo cake” and stop trying to force people to come over that he doesn’t want. He probably just said yes to his parents to make them happy, and isn’t pleased that you keep forcing it to carry on by inviting them over for cake, or making the dinner (probably something he didn’t want to do anyway) a bigger deal by trying to force the cake issue in this manner. 

As for your birthday, you have to let that one go. You made your own bed on that one, so stop making him sleep on the couch for it.

Post # 20
Member
3503 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2019 - City, State

xiexie :  DAMMIT! I call seconds! If your band isnt producing music by 2023, I get to use it 😛

Post # 21
Member
2917 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2018

1) You can’t be mad at him for not doing anything for your birthday when you explicitly stated that you didnt want to do anything. Hes not a mind reader and you are not a child. Stop playing games and grow up. 

2) HE LITERALLY SAID HE DIDNT WANT A CAKE OR A FAMILY DINNER but yet here his birthday is and you and his parents have pushed both onto him. I’m sure he is in a shitty mood. No one has listened to any of his requests so now he gets to spend his birthday uncomfortable and in an irritable mood. 

 

Post # 22
Member
3273 posts
Sugar bee

This is a classic lack of communication, and you’re the one at the heart of it. Don’t tell your husband you don’t want anything and get upset when he complies with your request. And don’t assume that you know what he wants and needs more than he does. 

Post # 23
Member
1052 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2019

Charliejeorge :  No problem!  Yeah!!  We’re totally on it!!!

 

frantically tries to learn an instrument – does triangle count?

Post # 24
Member
660 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Um, if you want something for your birthday you have to say so. Maybe with most people you wouldn’t, but it seems like he’s not into birthdays, and it didn’t surprise him that you would want nothing.

I can totally see why he wouldn’t want to celebrate his birthday, too. Maybe he’s an introvert and just wants a quiet day to unwind. Maybe he doesn’t have a good relationship with his parents. 

I feel for him, really! I just recently asked D.H. if we could for once celebrate my birthday just-us, without my extended family that sets my teeth on edge. And then he told someone who was trying to crash the party where we are, because he felt guilty that we’ve been ignoring their calls all morning. I managed to convince them not to come, but it was a lot of unnecessary drama and the day was pretty much ruined.

Post # 25
Member
6035 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

I just explained this in a different thread, but you are doing for him what YOU want for your birthday. He’s doing for you what HE wants (and what you actually said you wanted). And you’re both mad at each other. 

Post # 26
Hostess
1728 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

I second the 5 Love Languages recommendation. You and your husband should spend some time listening to each other and exploring the things that make the other feel loved. No game playing. No doing things AT each other instead of FOR each other. 

Reading this book truly strengthened our relationship. And it’s pretty short, so you don’t have to dedicate a ton of time to understand the concept. 

Good luck, Bee!

Post # 27
Member
3503 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2019 - City, State

xiexie :  haha unfortunately for me, triangle does count! This is not looking good for me 🙁

Post # 28
Member
667 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2016 - Montego Bay, Jamaica

if you wanted to do something for your birthday, or if you even just wanted something simple like flowers and a card you should have told him! Not said you didn’t want anything. Mean what you say. I hope that the rest of your day turned out better. 

Post # 29
Member
2465 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: NJ

He sounds like Mr Grumpypants Persnickity Little Pain In the Tushie. 

Do as he says. If he says “nothing” then that is what he gets. 

Post # 30
Member
6071 posts
Bee Keeper

bamabelle2017 :  Truly bewildered by all of this. You told him you didn’t want anything for your birthday, he didn’t do anything for your birthday, so you’re upset he took you at your word? 

Playing games and expecting your husband to suss out his part in these games is quite off-putting, it’s not ‘the woman thing’ and it’s obviously causing problems in your relationship. If I said I didn’t want a cake for my birthday, I would expect my husband to respect that and not get me a cake. If I wanted a cake, I wouldn’t pretend I didn’t and expect him to be a mindreader. 

And he said he didn’t want a cake but you were ‘determined to get him one anyway’?! Wtf? 

The way you guys snipe back and forth at each other over everything, frankly doesn’t sound like you like each other very much. Maybe you do like each other and these passive-aggressive mindgames are just throwing up roadblocks to open conversation, but your current way of communicating isn’t working and needs to change. 

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