(Closed) Husband is Rehasing Old Events

posted 10 years ago in Relationships
Post # 17
Member
145 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

This may sound stupid, but try hypnotism (ask your doctor) to rid yourself of this.  Even if you never go through with it, talk to your husband that you plan  to get hypnotized because “the last thing you want to do is hurt him or sleep apart from him”. At that point, he should become completely sympathetic and nurturing and take on the protector’s role.

While I do agree that fighting or arguing (within reason) is generally healthy for a relationship, I don’t agree that one person is ALWAYS the one to apologize. Is this true in your case? Good luck with this.

Post # 20
Member
145 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

No no, just TELL HIM you are thinking of getting hypnotized. Don’t actually do it if you don’t want to. You seem to be upset about this and I was just trying to help. I hope you are not always, 100 percent, the one who finds themselves apologizing about things. That is not healthy.

Post # 22
Member
145 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Well, ok ! That means he should understand this issue here !

Post # 23
Member
1580 posts
Bumble bee

Honestly, if I were you I’d try all the different methods there are to stop talking in your sleep (whatever they may be) for a couple of reasons:

1. If your husband is not getting a good night’s sleep because he is woken by your talking, that is a problem. It is probably contributing to his irritability and affects his daily life.

2. If the roles were reversed, would you just be able to not care that he says some other woman’s name in his sleep? I don’t know how I’d feel if that happened to me.

Post # 25
Member
234 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I think he’s being terribly unfair.  He’s punishing you for something you can’t control, means nothing and already feel bad about.  I’d tell him that if he wants to sit down and have a productive discussion with you about it (is he feeling insecure about other guys, what name your saying and if it’s someone in particular he’s touchy about, etc etc) then you’re open to talk, but it is not okay to just throw these snippy little comments at you and refuse to have a real conversation about it.  Nothing productive is going to come from them – it just makes you feel bad, and doesn’t make him feel any better.  This isn’t just about you talking in your sleep, it’s about learning to deal with unpleasant things in a mature way.

Post # 27
Member
27 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2009

Well, looks like you have your answer.  He is insecure in your marriage, doesn’t trust you when you are away, doesn’t trust you in general.   Would it be safe to say he’s been cheated on in the past?  My husband was in his previous marriage.  He has acted out on his insecurities in our relationship in different ways.  One of them was exactly what you posted here.  I said the name “Lance” in my sleep.  He questioned me the next morning and I was dumbfounded.  He didn’t let it go for awhile.  The only Lance I “know” is Lance Armstrong!  But he still had a hard time moving forward and believing me, but eventually did.

Therapy is needed to help you and him understand the underlying pain and work through it.  As well as the insomia.  Until then, try (I know it is hard!!!) to be calm, reassuring and loving.

You haven’t cheated on him or given him reasons to suspect you of being unfaithful, so you have no worries on that front.  Yes, it is frustrating and hurtful, but the only way to help him is constant reassurance and encouragement to seek therapy to help you both grow closer and strenghthen your marriage.

Good luck, I hope you and your husband are able to work this out.  Thank you for sharing your struggle. 

Post # 28
Member
5496 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2010

Has he always worried you are cheating on him, meaning before you got married? How long have you been together? In my opinion, his insecurities could damage your relationship if you don’t seek counseling asap. From all the various things you have mentioned in the last few weeks, it sounds as if counseling would do both of you a lot of good. Good luck!

Post # 29
Member
66 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: November 2008

I agree with ChiCat – he’s being terribly unfair, and maybe even manipulative. I also agree with bass lover – therapy may be needed.

He’s holding over your head the information you don’t have and can’t really obtain unless he tells it to you. He won’t tell you the name you’re supposedly saying OR why he has such issues trusting you. All you can say is you’re sorry and you don’t know what you’re saying in your SLEEP over and over and over again. So how does he ever expect this to get resolved – or doesn’t he want it to be resolved?

Is he the type to drag something like this out, JUST so he can have something to hold against you, or bring up to feel somehow in control? I mean, you did say that you’re usually the peacemaker. So if he brings something like this up, it’s going to solicit an apology from you – you’re therefore “wrong”, and he’s “right”. (Or something like that…)

My other question is – does his distrust of you come from being cheated on, or is his behavior a symptom of projection? As in – accusing you of something he himself may be guilty of? I’m not suggesting he’s cheating on you, and I do not want to make you paranoid – I don’t know your husband or you, and I would never toss out such hefty accusations about a complete stranger. But what if this is insecurity is stemming from his own actions or thoughts, or something he did in his past?

I really hope he decides to have a rational conversation with you, because how he is currently handling is it not only unfair, it’s unkind. Best of luck!

 

Post # 30
Member
131 posts
Blushing bee

I personal would be very upset if my hubby repeatedly said another woman’s name in his sleep.  I would be very hurt, and I am sure he is too. 

Post # 31
Member
570 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I know that some people might not agree, but I am kind of interested in the reasoning. Since you don’t remember, it could be an underlying psychological problem that you might want to have counseled or analyzed, you might can get to the base of the problem and prevent it from happening in the future. It might just be good to talk to someone. But someone that isn’t going to take one side or the other, but remain neutral.

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