Post # 16
I have been severely clinically depressed many times and going out and enjoying myself with friends is much more difficult than drudging through my day to day routine. Unless, that is, the enjoying myself involves destructive levels of drinking..
-Is he doing other things that don’t involve drinking? (loss of enjoyment of usual activities is a MAJOR symptom of depression)
– have you asked your brother in law or your cousin what happened that night? Something must have triggered this
– Was he acting strangely before that night?
– Has he given any indication that he has a plan of action (ie I just need a week to rest and then i will…)
You need to be firm with him, even if he doesn’t like it in the moment. You have a child and you have bills. If he’s depressed he needs to DO something about it. Say that you will go to therapy with him – insist on it even. His situation is not going to change if his whole plan is to just hide out and binge drink until his feelings go away.
Post # 17
Thank you all for your advice and support. I honestly thought I might get responses saying that I should back off and be more supportive. I guess I thought I might get responses with what to say/how to act to make his situation better.
He said he goes through episodes like this maybe once or twice a year, although last time (when he lost his job), I believe he truly was depressed (not getting out of bed, not leaving the house, losing interest in absolutely everything). This time doesn’t add up. Previously when he lost his job, he picked up the pieces and got a new job a week later. He still talks about where he’d be now if he didn’t lose that job.
I snapped today and told him that he needs to wake up to himself. I told him I wouldn’t support him if he wasn’t going to help himself, and socializing and drinking aren’t doing anything to help. He told me to leave the marriage because I’m not the right person for him and that I’m making his situation worse. Honestly, I think I’ve been pretty patient and supportive throughout our marriage, and I honestly don’t think there is a “right” person for him. If anything, I feel that I’m enabling him by being too compassionate.
I told him I’m not leaving without seeing a counsellor together – something he has adamantly declined throughout our marriage.
He is an awesome, awesome father and loves our child more than anything else in the world. He’s caring and attentive, and plays with them, and they adore him. It will kill me to see that relationship change, and my child have to be split between two homes. I have accepted that I married the wrong person, but I feel like I waived that when I had a child. We never fight in front of our child and I keep up appearances for her sake. And when my husband is happy, everything else in our family is happy and I feel like the luckiest person in the world.
I guess I need to just balance the good times with the bad and decided what is truly best for my child.
Post # 18
beean0nym0us : honey, hello? Are you hearing yourself? He hasn’t gone to work for 2 months and expects you to pay for everything while he goes out drinking.
How does this make him an “awesome, awesome father”?
Youre deep in denial about his slot in your life and his responsibilities. He’s acting like a petulant teenager and now he doesn’t even want to work on your marriage.
Not a good father.
A good father is a role model. A good father is a grown up. A good father isn’t out drinking and gambling constantly. And PP are right, you don’t grade alcoholism on a curve.
People around him might drink more than he does, but he still has a problem. Something happened that night, but it’s not yours to fix. It’s his. And he doesn’t seem interested. He’s not willing to do any of the humbling work of getting better.
Not a good role model.
Please get online and check out al-anon. You need to learn how to care for yourself and set boundaries.
Post # 19
wolfeyes : thank you for this insight. I’m having trouble wrapping my head around his situation.
He doesn’t really have any hobbies that don’t involve alcohol – his friends are all alcohol-oriented so they socialize by going to the pub. Or they play golf but take a bag of beers.
I bought him a bike for his birthday a few weeks ago because I thought it might help for him to be active. He really appreciated it and has been for a few rides.
I haven’t asked my Brother-In-Law what happened. I actually haven’t told my family what’s going on because my husband has asked me to keep it quiet. No one in real life knows what’s going on. But my sister is very open with me, and I’m confident she’d tell me if something happened.
Before that night, we had a fight that started because I asked if he was ok and he flew off the handle. He hates being asked if he’s ok. I told him I’m feeling lonely in our marriage and that I wanted to make plans to do something as a couple. A few hours later, he made plans to go to the pub and that’s when he called my Brother-In-Law and cousin to come join him. A real dick move.
He initially stated that he just needed time to himself. He called in sick all week and got medical certificates to cover himself. The next week, he arranged to take paid leave because he needed time to himself. He promised he would return to work the following week, but ended up getting medical certificates and didn’t go. Then literally every day, he has been saying “I’ll go to work tomorrow”, but never does. Every day, I wake up and think that today might be the day, but it never is.
I guess I was just looking for advice. I feel really selfish by hassling him, but it’s also having a huge impact on me. When I confronted him, he accused me of making it all about myself.
Post # 20
I think something happened the night he went out. I would dig.
Post # 21
Your kids will know if you are in an unhappy marriage. They will pick up on the fighting and resentment. They will know thier home is not a happy place. And if you stay in a marriage you know isn’t working and can’t be fixed just for the kids you will spend years modeling unhealthy relationship behaviors for them when your marriage should be model for them to learn positive relationship behaviors from.
My family was really happy sometimes, that does erase all the horrible memories stemming from my parents fighting. Growing up I always wished my parents would just get divorced. Staying together for the kids is crap. Your kids aren’t going to appreciate it.
Post # 22
You’re not being selfish by hassling him. I’ve dealt with depression on and off my entire life so I am very compassionate and do know that people need patience and understanding while they work through it. But he’s not working through it. If he were going to therapy, taking medication, or taking ANY step towards helping himself, or even just setting real timelines for his ‘break’ then it would be different.
But he’s off enjoying all the fun things in life and just avoiding all responsibility with no game plan. In my mind that’s not depression, that’s selfishness and escapism. And being cruel to you to boot! He won’t even communicate with you about what’s going on and what he needs, he just expects you to look after all the responsibilities until he decides he’s done his holiday.
At the LEAST he needs to agree to therapy. But I would honestly consider an ultimatum or leaving/kicking him out until he sorts his shit out. He needs a wake up call.
Post # 23
He doesn’t get to do this. He can’t just decided he’s not working anymore and is going to piss money and health away with booze… not while he’s someone’s husband and certainly not while he’s someone father. It sounds like this started shortly after you found out you were pregnant… really crappy timing on his part. He needs to agree to counseling and AA or I would be taking my kids and hitting the road. This doesn’t sound like depression, it sounds like regret for not being able to act like a fool without responsibilities. I’m so sorry you’re going through this, especially while pregnant. How unfair. Put yourself and your babies first.
Post # 24
You are not being selfish! He is! Mental illness is so hard, but he has a child. If he can go out drinking and cook and clean then he can go to work. He is definitely abusing alcohol, he might not be a full blown alcoholic yet but given time he WILL arrive there if no preventative measures are taken. You deserve more than this and so does your child! The fact that it’s none of your business is bulllshit!!! It’s your life too, being married means your lives are intertwined and what he does affects you. That he doesn’t want to acknowledge that is mind blowing and tells me he doesn’t care what happens, or doesn’t think you will ever leave/put your foot down. That being said you can’t force him to go to work. Sounds like you make good money and could support yourself and child if you weren’t paying for him as well. I know divorce is terrifying and horrible but years more of this will be too. I am so sorry this is happening. I also think the timing is weird and would dig into his night out 5 weeks ago. However knowing may not make a difference as his behavior is the same….
Post # 25
An addict is an addict is an addict. The substance of choice can be alcohol, gambling, sex, drugs—anything that is mood-altering.
Addicts make terrible partners and even worse parents. He’s a dreadful role model for children.
And for gawd’s sake, do NOT combine your finances. I can’t even.
Post # 26
I echo what everyone else has said but I want to ask you why you feel it’s ok for him to treat you this way with no repercussions???
The fact that he’s asked you to keep all of this is secret is enough to show you that he knows what he’s doing is wrong and worth being embarrassed about.
If it was me, I’d lay that shit on the table to his family and his friends and tell everyone exactly what he’s been doing which might encourage his friends to not want to take him out as much leaving his pregnant wife alone while he goes out to drink and isn’t even working. Seriously if I was in your shoes I would take complete control of the situation and force him to talk or get help. Even if it means talking to a friend or parent and not you.
Has he been abusive to you that you are so afraid to even bring things up to him?? And why do you keep feeling like you’re being selfish for just wanting the basics?? He’s not a good husband or father at all.
In my opinion you have two choices. You either take the bull by the horns exposed all of this drama to everyone and get help for both of you and for your children or you wash your hands and you walk away.
I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. X
I’m due next June and if my husband pulled this shit on me I’d castrate him.
Post # 27
How does any of what you’ve said translate into “awesome father?” Because he plays with his kids?! That’s just the fun stuff. Anyone can be “awesome” when it’s all fun and games. Sounds to me like when it comes to being a responsible and mature partner and father he’s far from “awesome.”
Post # 28
Well somethings gotta light a fire under his ass.
Tell him that being pregnant you’re been feeling sick and that you’re going down to part time at work and won’t be covering his rent payments anymore. While you’re at it let him know that you’ll be stopping payments on his car and insurance. No pay no play.
Post # 29
Yea this shit would not fly with me.
It’s one thing if this was truly depression, but this guy is going out constantly with his boys(?), going drinking, partying, what have you. That’s not the portrait of depression. He’s got more of an alcohol problem then anything else.
His other problem is laziness and how he treats his wife. This guy wants to sit around the house, not make any contribution to his household, lies to you about going planning to go to work and then “changes his mind” when you know damn well he didn’t have a plan to go in the first place. He shuts you up when you tell him you’re concerned. He won’t talk to you about how he’s feeling.
And I agree with PPs that something triggered this behavior and you better believe I would be going to the ends of the earth to find out what the fuck is going on. My guess is something shady.
How sure are you that he’s going out with the people he says he’s going out with?
He doesn’t even watch you child who is in daycare, so WHAT THE FUCK IS HE DOING IN THE “HOUSE” ALL DAY?????
This behavior is all around ridiculous and you should not be putting up with this. Sorry Bee but this guys sounds like a fucking loser whose got some serious skeletons in his closet. You better find out wtf is going on, and quickly….
Post # 30
I don’t think you are selfish or hassling him. If anything you are being way too permissive and he knows it. I’m struggling with what about his behavior makes him a good father. Sorry, but if you’re feeling anxious and getting nose bleeds over his behavior and meanwhile he’s telling you that ‘you make the situation worse’ that’s deeply disturbing to me. Depression doesn’t give you license to treat those around you like crap. IDK but when I’ve been at my most depressed I’ve felt awful about how much those around me had to help me to get by. I can’t imagine treating those around me so poorly. The more you explain the more his ‘depression’ seems like a made up excuse where he knows its a get out of jail free card.