Post # 1
Darling Husband is looking for a new career and taking his time about it. He’s been working at a bank for about 4 years now I guess, but recently (November) he pretty much realized he’s not going to go any farther there. He’s still there, and he will be until he finds something else. Right now he’s thinking about going into IT, but he’s kind of stalled at the research phase. He doesn’t know anything about how to get into an IT career or how to find out about an IT career.
During our discussions of his career change, I told him that I would prefer he not pursue a career path that would require him to be self-employed (until/unless he can draw up a budget in which he proves he can pay for all our current needs, plus private health insurance that covers pregnancy and babies without needing my salary). I also told him that if he is going to take any classes in this career change, I want him to start these classes no later than this fall. Which means he needs to know what he’s going to do by then.
My question is: Am I being too demanding of him? Are my requirements too strict (no self-employment, start classes no later than this fall if necessary)? I worry that if I don’t put the thought of deadlines and time passing into his head, he will move at a glacial pace. He seems so complacent sometimes.
I’m afraid if things continue as they are with him not doing much about his job search, I’ll get frustrated with the lack of progress and get anxious and start to bug him about it and it will cause conflict. I start to think about things like timelines for our lives over the next 10 years. We’re both turning 27 this summer and I’d like to have a baby before I turn 30, but I know he won’t feel ready for a baby until this job change is complete and he feels settled again. At the pace he’s going, it feels unlikely he’ll reach even this very far-off deadline.
Any general advice about how to support a partner through a career transition would be great too.
Post # 3
@marjojo: I dont think you are being too tough on him but you also need to be supportive. both Darling Husband and I are in the IT field and we have both been very fortunate. I landed an amazing opportunity right after graduation (got super lucky) and my job is in very high demand right now. DH is WAY smarter and way more talented than me but his career is moving a bit slower. He got a computer engineering job out of college but his co got bought out and he got laid off. he was out of work for about 6 months anywho…it was really hard for me during his “time off” for that 6 months. I did not understand what was taking so long. we did fight a little yes but nothing too bad.
he even thought about going back to school (he is 30 btw) to be a NP or Dr (he was pre-med before switching to Computer Science). I told him that I would support him no matter what his decision but that he could not slack! he needed to start school that next semester but he never did. He then starting getting more serious about jobs in his field. Now he is doing IT freelance and consulting work (and also writting a book). I did not like this idea at first because it is not “safe” but it works good because I have a great job and I am the one carrying the benefits so its not a big deal.
Post # 4
hit submit too quick…sorry
I just wanted to add…Good luck to you both!!! Oh, and if your Fiance or you want to ask me questions about the IT field you can PM me.
Post # 5
The only thing that I would add is that if he does not have any/ many college classes completed, it really isn’t absolutely necessary to know 100% what you’re going to do if you’re starting a bachelor’s degree. At most universities, you have to take basically a years worth of “general education” credits before you graduate. That gives you a little time to figure everything out. However, he will need to get his application into the school, figure out financial aid (if necessary), etc soon. Granted, some people start classes for their major their freshman year, but it isn’t always 100% necessary.
My husband has an associates degree in an IT field and is finishing a bachelor’s degree in a business/IT field. (It was a 2+2 program, hence why he has an associates degree.) He works full time in the IT field and really likes his job (and they pay part of his tuition).
Concerning the bay timeline…. if he’s pursuing an associates degree, he may have finished the degree and be settled into a new job by the time you’re 30. For a bachelor’s degree, that probably isn’t very likely.
Edit: Forgot to mention that I’m biased…. I would love to have a child now, however… I personally don’t think it’s the end of the world if a child is delayed until early 30’s. I am finishing a doctorate degree and considering post-graduate training, so that’s really the timeline I see myself and most of my colleagues following.
In terms of supporting your SO through a career change… I would definitely recommend pushing him to set his own deadlines instead of you setting deadlines for him. (Ex. When do you think you will you decide if you want to start college classes?) Also, encourage him to reach out to people who already work in the field as well as the university to discuss career options with an advisor.