Post # 1
A lot has changed since my last post six months ago. We bought a house, I moved to a new job teaching at a new school that I love and have an amazingly supportive boss, and I will finish graduate school in May. My Darling Husband and I just bought a house that was just a little pricier than our montly rent and we are all moved in. It has two huge extra bedrooms that share a jack and jill bathroom. It is is an amazing school district, close to our work places, and has a great backyard and neighborhood. Everything is in place, we have two safe newer cars, great jobs, health insurance that rocks, I have a supportive boss that would be totally accepting of a little one and time off for me, and now we have the home. Financially we are stable, too. We don’t have tons of savings but we do make a decent montly amount. I am ready for the next step of adding a baby into our home. When I ask my husband about it, his answer is “I am just not ready” yet he cannot give me a single reason why…. meantime my ovaries are screaming… any advice of how to nudge him without coming off as pushy or persuasive?
Post # 2
thebabs : I think his answer is actually completely fair. Having kids is a big life-altering decision and just because he can’t vocalize why, doesn’t mean him not being ready isn’t true. Having kids is such an emotional topic, I’d imagine it’s difficult to put all your thoughts and feelings about it into words, no matter which side you fall down on.
My husband just “wasn’t ready” for a long time, while I was. We had many open and honest discussions about it. I never wanted to push him into something he wasn’t ready for because the last thing you want is for someone to feel forced into having a child they do not want. I knew we would get to the same page because we were constantly communicating. I never felt like he was simply trying to put me off or change the subject or lead me on. He did want kids, but he was scared.
How old are you? How long have you been talking about having kids? Maybe talk to him about a timeline. Like okay, he’s not ready now. Could you revisit this topic in 6 months?
Post # 3
You should NOT nudge him or try to convince him to have a baby. That is all kinds of wrong.
He needs to be honest about what he is feeling though. Did you originally agree to TTC at a certain time? I would try to come at it from a gentle POV (not a “my ovaries are screaming” lol) and ask what changed. Reiterate that you had this plan, you bought this house, in this neighbourhood all in expectation of this. It’s not fair to bait and switch if you’d both agreed to this.
Post # 4
- Wedding: Scotts ~ Walnut Creek
Don’t push or nudge him into anything as life altering as having a child. You asked a question, he gave an honest answer that should be respected. But I do think he needs to provide more of an explanation than simply saying he’s not ready. You need to know why. In the meantime your ovaries can chill.
Did you actually agree as a couple that having a child would be top priority after checking all the necessary boxes like house, job, school etc., or do you feel like this should be the next logical step bc of where you are in life right now?
Post # 5
thebabs : you dont.
This is a child, a life, a responsibility liteally forever. You do not ever nudge, push, persuade or convince anyone to become a parent before they are ready to.
Speak to him and see where his reasons are from, maybe this all happened sooner than he planned and he thought this would take 2 years vs 1 or maybe now that everything is in place he is simply not ready once reality hit.
..despite having alot of things checked of.. there is nothing huge or a big thing waiting I simpy am not ready to give up all my freedom, put a pause on my career and to be pregnant and to take care of a tiny human just second. My husband understood and we decided well see where we are in the fall.
End of day its better that you post pone and have a partner who is 100% there then be a younger mom with a husband who wasnt totally on board.
Also in your post your said I am ready for next step but he is not, which makes me think this was a checklist more in your mind then something you both sat down, talked about and agreed.
Post # 6
- Wedding: June 2007 - City, State
thebabs : how old are you both?
Post # 7
You’ve got everything lined up, except for a husband who is ready.
You don’t nudge him, you respect his feelings. Maybe you can ask what he thinks his timeline for kids looks like
Post # 8
Don’t nudge him. You could gently try to dig deeper on why he feels not ready. But honestly, I think you should spend the next year getting use to your job, finishing school, getting use to your home and saving. With all the changes you have experienced I would want to let things settle a bit before TTC.
Post # 9
Out of curiosity, if you don’t have much in savings, I’m assuming that means you don’t save a lot each month. Do you have thoughts on daycare for when you guys have a baby?
Daycare for our daughter costs more than our mortgage 😱
Post # 10
- Wedding: March 2014 - Chicago, IL
You cannot nudge someone into fatherhood without risking a lifetime of resentment. Back off, give him some space, enjoy living in the home just the 2 of you and revisit the conversation in a few months.
Post # 11
Honestly I was the one in your husband’s shoes. We ended up waiting 4.5 years after we got married and 3.5 years after we bought a house to TTC. I didn’t have an answer why I wasn’t ready, I just wasn’t. Luckily Darling Husband didn’t push it at all. He’s been great as we decide if want a second or not as well. He’s all for it, I’m very unsure. I’m very grateful he’s not pushing it in any way.
Post # 12
Have you previously discussed a timeline for having a child?
It sounds like there have been some big changes recently, especially financially. Maybe he feels like he just needs some time to breathe, adjust to the new financial picture, and rebuild some savings before taking on another very big and very expensive life change.
Post # 13
I agree that you shouldn’t “nudge” him BUT that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t continue talking to him about it. This is a major life decision and you deserve a say in it too. The conversation though needs to be open to communication from BOTH ends. By that I mean a conversation should not be you talking AT him trying to get him to change his mind about being ready. A conversation should be you genuinely listening to each other and see where each other is coming from.
Let me take a leap here and guess that part of the reason his answer of “not ready” and refusal/inability to articulate a reason are so anxiety-inducing is because it calls into question whether he even wants kids in the first place. If I got told the same thing, I would be thinking what if he doesn’t want kids but is just too afraid to tell me? THAT part you do deserve to get clarification on because it is deal breaker territory for a lot of people and time does not stop.
Generally you do want someone to arrive at the point of readiness on their own, without any “nudging”. Otherwise my fear is that a dude nudged into being a father tend to be more ready to adhere to traditional gender roles and not “help” with the baby. Because he comes from an undercurrent of resentment and is consciously or subconsciously thinking well YOU wanted the baby when I told you I wasn’t ready, so YOU take care of it.
Post # 14
You don’t nudge him. You can however tell him that you want to sit down and talk about a timeline for ttc.
Post # 15
- Wedding: December 2017 - Courthouse
Like PP asked, have you discussed when/if you want kids? I think some people assume it’s the next step after marriage while some people want some time to just grow as a couple.
It does sound like you have everything lined up, which is awesome, but having your husband ready is even more important. I would try to see if he has any concerns that are financial or work related. And if not, ask if he just wants to wait because he wants time to himself and he’s not ready for the work related to having a kid? It sounds like it’s probably the latter though.
You could always revisit in 6 months or a year.