Husband "just isn't ready yet?!" help!!

posted 6 months ago in TTC
Post # 16
Member
6361 posts
Bee Keeper

Personally it sounds like your monthly expenses are higher than they were and he might not be comfortable with that.  Think of this you have a mortgage more than what you paid for rent and two new cars.  Do you pay on the kids?  He might not financially be ready as well as emotionally.  Having kids is not like having pets.  Granted no one likes to leave kids/pets, but you can leave a pet alone for an hour and not worrying about it being considered neglect.  You can leave a pet alone for a night and go to a party.  You cannot do that with a child unless the child is being safely monitored by a friend/family etc.  For some kids are not something everyone wants right away

Post # 17
Member
2415 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

Waiting for your ages and other answers to questions the bees have already asked because I’m getting the feeling that this is YOUR next step not something you discussed and want as a couple. It doesn’t matter if you live in the safest city with the best schools and biggest backyard on the block. If your husband never wants kids or is unsure about it then all those other things don’t matter. I think you’re attributing those things as to why you SHOULD be ready for a baby and that’s all the way wrong. My husband wasn’t ready because he didn’t want to give up his sleep or time with me. Now we’re in our year of TTC and I’m scared as hell now that we’re getting closer and closer. But I respected when he explained why he wasn’t ready and waited until he was ready ro discuss a TL. You can’t nudge anyone into such a huge life decision. I’m still wrapping my head around our March TL. 

Post # 18
Member
8660 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

thebabs :  “his answer is “I am just not ready” yet he cannot give me a single reason why” — Not being ready is the reason why. That’s a legit answer. He doesn’t want to try to have kids… because he’s not ready to have kids. “Not ready” means not prepared or otherwise does not want to at this time. I guess you could ask what he feels he would be missing out on, or what he feels needs to happen before he’ll be ready, but he might not know. It’s possible that all he knows is that right now, he doesn’t want to have kids. That is enough reason to wait.

Post # 19
Member
437 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

It seems to me that men (or at least the men I know) need time to get used to things. So instead of saying “Let’s have a baby now!” Why don’t you propose a future month to consider starting to try, and give him some time to think without pressure

For example, I knew my husband would have an anxiety attack if one day I was like “Hey let’s try to have a baby” I know he needs time to think about how life would be. So instead I proposed that we start trying in July 2019 (I said this in November 2018) and gave reasons as to why we’d be in a good place to start trying to have a baby by then. He took some time to think about it, even brought it up to his therapist, and a few weeks later he let me know he feels comfortable with my proposed timeline! I should mention though that we both have always wanted kids and we discussed this prior to getting married. 

Post # 20
Member
9080 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

is  he really not ready or is he just saying hes not ready. 

it took us 2 years to get pregnent (ivf), then 9 months minus 3 weeks (he was a little early). my husband joked when i was in l&d that even with all the time to prepare he still wasnt ready.i asked him what he needed, he said its one of those things that you are never really ready for, but when it happens, you step up and do what you have to do.  he said the same thing about #2 as well but felt a little more prepared.

babies are life changing.

Post # 21
Member
634 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

It sounds like you’ve just gotten set up to really enjoy everything you’ve worked for and maybe you should do just that for awhile. I understand the ovarian insistence but with that kinda of set up you can start saving up and take vacations that you wouldn’t be able to with a kid and be really set up well with no regrets for when you do have a kid. Also if he’s not ready it’s not a good idea to push or nudge. I think by getting really comfortable financially and ticking off things you’d like to do he’ll probably come around to baby time naturally.

Post # 22
Member
4759 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

All of your posts, going back for 9 months, have been about when would be a good time to ttc.

Was he ready before, when you were posting? Or is this the first time you’ve been ready and he feels that he isn’t?

Post # 23
Member
2565 posts
Sugar bee

OP, it SOUNDS like you just sprang this timeline on your husband and didn’t get the answer you wanted. 

Have/had you guys not discussed a timeline for kids before marriage? My husband and I initially said we’d start 1 year after wedding. However, once we were married for a few months, I started feeling nervous about my age (33) and asked if he’d be ok starting a few months sooner than our initial plan. He thought about it and said yes.

However, now that we are only a few months out, I intend to ask him again (and again, and then again) if he is still ok with this timeframe. It’s one thing to discuss something hypothetically and another to do in For Real.

For the same reason some engaged people get cold feet as the wedding date approaches, some people get more and more scared as the timeline to TTC approaches and finalyl realize they want to put it off for a while – they are just not ready.

And I agree with PP – he doesn’t need a reason to not be ready. Not being ready IS the reason. (From what I understand) your entire life and even BEING changes once you have kids. Everything becomes about them. Everything revolves around them. Emotionally, you are much more vulnerable, as your heart is now living outside your body. Your relationship to each other can and most likely will change, and you can’t know it will be for the better. There are a LOT of unknowns and valid reasons to not feel ready.

All you can do is try not to pressue him, engage in lots of open conversations on the topic, and push your own timeline a bit to be respectful of your husband’s feeling. 

Post # 24
Member
4759 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

duchessgummybunns :  The best example I have of it never being about you again is when I had a stomach bug all night long (that I got from my daughter, btw) and I went to sleep on the couch so I wouldn’t wake my husband up.

My daughter decided that she wanted to sleep with me, so I woke up and she was hanging on my back like a monkey while I was throwing up 😂😂 (I didn’t want to wake my husband up because he had to work and clearly, I was taking a sick day the next morning)

But yeah, child comes first, always 😂

Post # 25
Member
739 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2016

In terms of an answer to you, not being ready is completely valid. However, I do think that he should be willing to unpack that a bit (in a safe environment without pressure and without getting his reasoning critiqued). In an effort to be completely emotionally honest and really understand his own thinking, he should think about where the hangups are. Is it financial? Does he have more things he wants to do before kids? Is he just not ready for the responsibility? For what the life change would entail? All these thoughts will have to be processed and openly discussed before you two start TTC, so being open with them before he is ready is good practice and will help you know where he is at. 

Did you two discuss kids before marriage? Discuss any potential expectations or timeline? While to you checking all those boxes meant crossing off all the requirements before having a kid, to him it might just have meant starting a life with you and having a nice house and cars. Did he actively talk about what the school district meant to him?

Pressuring or nudging someone to have a kid is just not respectful or appropriate. Pressuring and nudging him to be more open with you about this thinking is ok as long as you do it respectfully.

Post # 26
Member
243 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

 It doesn’t seem like you two discussed a timeline before getting married. And even if you did, as you get closer to the month of ttc, you may feel different. My husband and I had set a timeline to start trying by the time we turned 30. Well, the big 30 is this year and we are both on the same page that we’re just not ready yet. So we’ve pushed our timeline back by 2 years. Having a child is life altering. Your time and energy is no longer your own. You cannot travel, spend money or do certain activities as freely as you could before. You are responsible for the life and wellness of another being. And it’s not something you can undo. I think him saying he is not ready is completely valid stand alone reason. Before bringing a child into this world, you have to not only be financially ready but emotionally as well. You can have all your ducks in a row but if he’s not ready, you need to respect that.

Post # 27
Member
2415 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

Sansa85 :  yeah once you mentioned this I went back and read her other threads and it’s a complete obsession of wanting to TTC that seems really one sided that she wants it but is saying that he does too. This is the internet and I have a feeling her husband really has not expressed being ready at any point and thus why we aren’t getting any replies to our questions. 🤷🏽‍♀️

Post # 28
Member
697 posts
Busy bee

How old are you guys? If you were creeping up on 35 or have known fertility issues I can understand the urgency but if you’re only mid-upper 20s, waiting another year to get settled in your new house isn’t going to be much of a factor. FWIW my husband and I loosely talk kids all the time. He’s definitely the more aprehensive party in these discussions. We have casually talked about maybe trying this summer after my 27th bday (he’d be 29). But at the same time I’m not going to push it! If this milestone comes and he’s still not into it, I realize that we have age on our side. It’s not fair to push someone into kids. On the same hand, I also realize that it’s a joint decision and so there needs to be a little bit of compromise I think! I would say just keep the casual convo flowing, without being pushy and obsessive and just see how your year plays out! 

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