Post # 1
Hey Bees. Let’s chat! Before getting engaged, my now husband, wouldn’t necessarily tell me where he’s going but he would say he’s stepping out with so and so. That was fine- as long as I knew who he was with in case something happened. We got engaged and now recently married and he doesn’t say who he’s going out with, just that he’s stepping out. Like today, he said I’m meeting the guys at 4 (he has different group of guy friends so I have no idea who he’s talking about). When I ask with who, he just says the guys. Obviously he’s not my child but I only ask out of concern. If god forbid something happened because you’re drinking and driving, I wouldn’t know which set of guys to contact because you didn’t tell me. Am I tripping? (I’ve brought this up to him before and said, it’s a concern I have for you and he said okay he understands but then does it again and again).
Post # 2
Well first off – if I’m reading your post correctly, he’s drinking and driving? That in itself is a huge problem and absolutely not okay.
As far as not telling you where he’s going and who he’s going with, that’s bizarre in my opinion. There’s no need for me not to tell my SO where I’m going and who I’ll be with and vice versa because we’re a couple and we share things with one another and have nothing to hide. So aside from the safety reasons you mention, it’s just weird to me in general.
Post # 3
Why don’t you address it before he steps out the door and ask what friends? If he gets defensive for whatever reason explain to him again that it’s important to you to know for his saftey. If that doesn’t cut it you obviously have an issue on your hands as to why he doesn’t want to tell you.
Post # 4
DoubleD : Yeah I’ll take your advice and talk to him about it again. The last time I did we got into an argument because he said he’s a grown man and doesn’t need to say where he’s going and who he’s with all the time. I told him he’s following in his fathers footprints because his dad for the longest and even till this very day would just get up and leave the house and not tell his wife. He would actually disappear for a day or two, and not answer when anyone called. I mean… that’s shady and suspect as hell! My husband isn’t like this in that particular way with disappearing and not answering it’s just the whole leaving and not say who you’re with and where that’s the frustrating part.
Post # 5
Weird. My husband has no problem telling me what he’s doing and who he’ll be with. He’ll just tell me even if I don’t ask.
If I know the names of his friends, I’ll specifically ask if so-and-so will be there if he goes to hang out with friends. When he gets home, we’ll talk about how it was, how everyone’s doing, etc. Do you take interest in his friends and who they are, how they’re doing?
Post # 6
hungrymeow : I do take interest in his friends. I ask about them here and there. That’s not the issue. I believe he has this “man” thing where he doesn’t want to check in with me. He’s told me before he feels like he’s a kid having to say who’s he’s with and where he’s going. I told him it has nothing to do with checking in but more of being courteous and just letting your spouse know where you’re at/ with who in the event something happened. He seemed to understand and agreed with me but then he does it again. Like today! I made a snarky comment saying, “wow it’s crazy how a husband could not tell his wife where he’s going”. He then replied saying what part of town he’s going. (and that vague answer back doesn’t help at all)
Post # 7
This would bother me but I would assume it was just an oversight on his part until you brought it up. His response was super disrespectful.
It is absolutely normal and reasonable to want to know where your spouse is and who they are with. It’s just common courtesy to say where you’re going and when you think you’ll be back.
Post # 8
No, you’re not crazy. Yes,this is weird. His hang-up about “feeling like a kid saying where he’s going” speaks volumes about HIM – it reeks of immaturity. I wouldn’t stand for that. What’s the big secret?
Not saying to do this- just asking as a hypothetical— how would he react if you took off and when asked, gave him the same response?
Post # 9
jbae111 : So weird. Usually people have an issue with “checking-in” before the married part . . . I dunno. Unless you didn’t live together before now?
My husband and I were long-distance for years before we got married and were able to live together, so all we had were these “check-ins,” telling each other about the day, what we had planned, etc. But it was really just to stay connected, to talk! Lol
It wasn’t about anyone keeping tabs or receiving permission to go anywhere, it’s just being connected to your partner and telling them of your schedule in case something else were to crop up. And allowing for something else to happen, since marriage isn’t just about doing whatever you want, whenever you want.
If your husband wants the single life, I don’t know what he thought marriage was going to be like. Lol
Post # 10
jbae111 : “he has this “man” thing” — This is not a man thing, it’s a him thing. Not normal. Not only is there the “in case of emergency” concern, but just — don’t partner’s talk to each other and want to tell each other what’s going on in their life and what they’re doing? It’s conversation. It’s sharing yourself and connecting. His excuse that it makes him feel like a kid doesn’t make sense to me because this is not something that just kids do. Normal adults tell their spouse where they’re going and who they’ll be with. Unless they’re up to no good. I can’t imagine that this is the only area where he acts like this. What else is he weird about? Because this is very weird.
Post # 11
The drunk driving is a way bigger problem. Pay attention to it.
Post # 12
Agree with PPs. Definitely weird (but not uncommon because I have known other men / seen posts about men who do this). These men are so afraid of losing their freedom and being tied down, and to be honest most end up not getting married or stay in long term relationships, because freedom was more important than the benefits of a long term relationship.
It’s just common courtesy to tell someone you’re living with where you’re going and/or with who. Not to mention isnt it just part of sharing day to day information with each other, as you should want to? It’s not even about safety to me, it’s just carrying on normal conversation?
Post # 13
- Wedding: June 2017 - A vineyard
I dunno. To me his reaction is weird. How hard is it to say I’m gonna be with friend X till roughly Y. Toodles!
I’m pretty laid back about my husband going out with friends but I do want to know roughly how long he will be gone to know if I should wait up and to know who he went with if there is an issue or emergency. So i dunno. Maybe my husband is the weird one but he has 0 issues telling me stuff like this. /shrug
Post # 14
I just asked my husband about this and HE said it’s unacceptable behavior (and we’re pretty relaxed about the other going out and hanging with friends). Your husband has learned some really disrespectful behaviors from his father. (And what the hell was his mother doing letting a man be out running the streets and then just come home?! Regularly?! Psssssh.)
Personally, I’d do the same to him a few times- just get up and leave. Tell him you’re getting together with “a friend”. If he has a problem with you doing it, then you know he’s on some sexist bullshit and needs to be checked. If he doesn’t care, then you know that he’s actually really unbothered by this behavior and you’re going to have to find a way to reach a workable compromise for the two of you.
Post # 15
Hey all. Thanks so much for your feedback. I had a talk with him tonight and I explained it all to him (again!). I said it’s obviously a concern/ courtesy thing and also as life time partners we should be able to communicate and let true other person know where and who we’re with. He said he understands and promises to do better. I told him I hope because this is the 2nd or 3rd time I’m saying this and don’t want to sound like a broken record. The conversation went well and I do think this time it got into his head. So let’s see!