(Closed) husband just said he doesn't want kids

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
7893 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Of course, having kids is going to change a person. Having kids is an even bigger life change than marrying. Did he want kids previously? Is he going through other crises in his life? Not seeing your friends as frequently isn’t really a good reason to not have kids, especially if your partner wants them. Maybe he needs more positive young dad role models. Maybe he’ll come around, but if not, I suppose you’ll have to re-evaluate. 

Post # 3
Member
47340 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

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thelittleone:  If you can’t come to an agreement, I suggest couples’counselling. This is one of those topics for which there is no compromise.

Post # 5
Member
47340 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

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thelittleone:  Some men who aren’t too mature, get nervous when they see their friends starting families and not able to party or do sports like they used to. He may come around if he sees his friends comfortable in the family man role.

Post # 6
Member
376 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

Gee, that’s definitely information I’d like to receive before marrying someone. Sorry you have to deal with this, particularly after trying to conceive for three months, which is pretty emotionally stressful in itself!!! Do you feel like his decision is final? As this greatly affects both of you, it seems really selfish of him to make this decision without discussing it with you. That’s not how marriage works! Maybe some time away from him to properly assess the situation would be a good idea. Could you stay with parents or a friend for a few days? While I don’t think a rash decision would make the situation any better, you definitely need to think about whether you could actually imagine a life without children. Would you be okay with never experiencing pregnancy, childbirth, first words and steps, having a little someone call you “mom”, reading bedtime stories etc.? When you’re old and grey, do you think you could still look back on a fulfilled life without having had children? Staying with your husband just for the sake of salvaging your marriage and at the same time giving up your own needs would probably ultimately lead to nothing but resentment. That’s definitely not an easy decision you’re faced with and I wish you all the strength in the world to make the one that’s right for you!

Post # 7
Member
777 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

I think counseling is a good idea but ultimately it has to make one of you change your mind. For a woman that wants kids that will be hard especially everytime one of your kids has a kid or everytime you see a cute baby on the street. I agree not seeing your friends isn’t a big reason to not want kids, growing up changes you period nobody has as much time for anybody whether you have kids or not, so maybe counseling can help get to the bottom of that issue. But if he doesn’t change his mind there is no compromise on thsi situation because it is you either have kids or you don’t and even if you adopt you still have kids.

Post # 9
Member
7242 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

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thelittleone:  I think you should probably seek counseling on the matter. A professional will be able to help you work through your feelings and make a concious and fully aware decision on the matter. I love my DH dearly, but the plan has always been to have kids. I’ve always expressed that’s what I want. If he came to me after marriage and said he didn’t want them, that would be a dealbreaker for me. I would leave the marriage. That being said, *I* have a strong desire to have kids, and know that my life wouldn’t feel fulfilled without them, and I know without a doubt if I gave in I’d resent him down the road. Likewise, I would not want to have kids or force them upon a husband who didn’t want them. That is a recipe for disaster.

Post # 10
Member
9066 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

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craigslistgirl:  
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Perfpersnickety:  Sorry guys but you don’t get to decide what a good enough reason to not have kids is for someone else. Any reason is valid to not want to bring a child into the world because the consequences of bringing an unwanted child into a persons life can be devastating on multiple lives including the child’s.

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thelittleone:  Please don’t make your decision based on internet advice proclaiming he might come around. What if you wait for him to come around for years and then find yourself still in the same situation? Just take the time to work out if not having kids is a deal breaker for you. In situations like this you need to work out what is best for you and not worry about trying to change his mind.

Post # 11
Member
2239 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

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thelittleone:  That’s really tough. I think it’s possible he might change his mind, but I wouldn’t count on it. And even if he does, it isn’t healthy for you to just wait around and hope that he might wake up one day and feel differently. Honestly, for me, I couldn’t stay married to someone who didn’t want kids. That is probably the only deal breaker in my relationship, aside from abuse. I’m not saying go out and get a divorce tomorrow, and I think counseling together and separately is probably a good idea, but if having kids is important to you (like it is to me), this situation is only going to breed resentment later on.

Post # 12
Member
7242 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

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j_jaye:  +1

My biggest concern is that, if it were me, I just don’t know that I’d trust him on the subject of kids after that. If he changed his mind back to wanting kids, I would constantly be worrying about if he REALLY wanted kids or was jut doing it to make me happy.

Post # 13
Member
9082 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

While I think talking about it, I think it’s insulting to insinuate that counseling or seeing dads in “positive family roles” will change someone’s mind on the matter. Kids aren’t for everyone. It’s okay for someone to not want children, and it’s okay to change your mind on kids.

Post # 15
Member
777 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

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j_jaye:  I don’t want to decide what a valid reason is to not want to bring a child into the world I was merely stating that there may be more to the underlying cause as to why he finally has made the decision to announce that he doesn’t want to bring a child into the world. And usually someone who’s said they want kids in the past does not just change their mind because a friend is too busy to hang out so yes I am sticking to my comment that there is more to the story than what meets the eye. 

And last I checked I didn’t say anything about having a kid with someone who doesn’t want one. I do believe I said this isn’t a situation that can be compromised on so if neither of them change their mind after getting to a deeper understanding of the situation than they mean to move on from each other and find people that won’t the same things that they want.

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