(Closed) Husband left for another woman, 17 weeks pregnant. Any divorced bees in Kansas?

posted 2 years ago in Legal
Post # 16
Member
267 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

That is just awful!

I agree with others about seeing a lawyer ASAP and getting evidence. He seems like a dumb ass so that should work in her favor, especially if she gets a lawyer before he does.

Does he want custody of his daughter? Hopefully your friend will be able to get at least part time custody. Whether he fights for custody probably depends on if the girlfriend wants to care for a little girl or not (hopefully not!).

Post # 17
Member
1772 posts
Buzzing bee

Since she’s cared for the 6 y/o since birth, I’d assume she would like custody both because she loves the child, and to keep her away from her awful father.  I don’t know how quickly she can move along the legalities of her custody, but while the jerk is in the throes of love with the other woman, maybe she can strike quickly and he’ll be willing to sign over custody to have a quick divorce.  Maybe once the finances are looked over she’d feel like she’d rather be in a different place with more support – back home closer to mom.  If she offers to give up the house he may be so thrilled that he’ll give her something she really wants.  I also wonder about where she should give birth.  IANAL, but if it’s in Kansas, will she then have trouble leaving without his consent.  Whereas if she gives birth “back home” will it give her more options about where to live without having to suck up to him for approval?     

Post # 18
Member
873 posts
Busy bee

I am very, very sorry for your friend.  I hope that this is a legit post because I am spending quite a bit of time posting a response because I have been abused in the court system and hope that no person has to go through what I did in Family Court.  So here it goes.  First of all, I am NOT a lawyer, your friend should get some legall advice immediately.  I found that the first week post D-bomb is critically important in terms of the action steps you take set you on a trajectory that sets the tone of the whole divorce.  She should stay calm and protect the interests of her and her daughter in EVERY SINGLE ACTION that she takes.  If she puts the child’s best interest first, she will prevail in court eventually.  Your friend will definitely lose some battles in court, especially at the beginning but if she acts with the best interest of her children, eventually she will win the war.  Making EVERY decision with my CHILD’S best interest first was what saved me both in court and in my darkest hours of doubt.  Immediately after lining up some attorneys to go interview, she should get a copy of ALL FINANCIAL statements – mortgage, college loans, car loans, cc debt, investments, retirement Accounts, everything.  That will be the baseline for their financial separation.  Is she deeded on the their house or listed on their lease?  Is her car in her name?  Does she have emergency funds in case she is not and gets locked out?  She needs to consider safety, shelter, and food for herself and her children.  My was-band swept and closed all of our accounts immediately.  I did eventually get some money back, but 1/10 of what it was.  I highly recommend that she read everything she can online about divorce laws specific to Kansas.  There are great Kansas lawyer blogs and chat rooms.  Spousal support or alimony is not guaranteed these days and the duration of it is usually only a % of how long they were married.  So if they were married for 5 years, she may get 1.5 years of alimony.  Child support is a straight calculation based on the income difference between the husband and wife and it is pitiful.  Child support is definitely not enough to live on.  My Was-band makes over half a million a year and I get, wait for it…less than $500 per month.  Your friend will have to return to work, especially if she ever wants to be able to retire.  I would recommend that she start updating her resume and job searching immediately.  My best advice, the faster they can settle this, the better.  Lawyers promise to get you this, and promise that and in the end they get huge fees and you end up with animosity and a much smaller bank account.  Was-band and I spent over $500K in legal fees and at the end of the day, we were…divorced.  We did it in the most litigious, painful, difficult way and basically bank rolled our respective lawyers.  Disgusting.  Absolutely disgusting on all parties involved and I include myself in that.  When I finally realized that it takes 2 to fight and just cut my losses (unless it was something that my child needed, I would fight for him), I realized that the only thing that mattered was to move forward and heal, for myself and my child.  NO ONE “wins” in court, no one.  We all have TV inspired thoughts of “getting justice” in court with some dramatic sentencing by a judge.  It is more like a pitiful and painful 3 minute debate where you don’t even get to speak, your lawyer does and then the judge, who doesn’t know your, your child or your situation all that well,  issues an order that is a COMPROMISE for both parties.  No one gets 100% of what they want in court. Stepping into a court house means that you will be compromised by a stranger, I would highly recommend that they settle as much as they can among themselves.  

For any engaged Bees or anyone else reading this who is blissfully married and never dream that anything remotely close to this could happen to them, please, please, please, be actively involved in your marriage’s finances, know how to access investment accounts, retirement accounts, get yourself named on your house deed or apartment lease and have a plan to be financially independent.  Hopefully, you will never need ANY of these things, but my heart breaks for women who are caught in unfortunate circumstances.  Sending hugs to your friend, some day she will realize that this was incredibly difficult but that she is better without him.

Post # 19
Member
2403 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

I am in KS and have a friend getting a divorce and they have a child together. So far they are in mediation. And she has been documenting everything and recording phone calls. He is being an asshat and refusing to listen to reason. And so far the judge has made it very clear that he will be responsible for supporting his child and her. Even though she didn’t ask for alimony the judge is making him pay it. Because he kicked her out of a house she is part owner in and now she has a bunch of new living expenses. So all I can say is from what I have seen, judges here don’t take very kindly to douchebags blatantly acting like douchebags. 

Post # 20
Member
2403 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

svnnh09:  Also I wish I knew this guys name so I could silently facebook stalk him and roll my eyes and to see if I know anyone who he knows lol 

Post # 22
Member
313 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

svnnh09:  praying for your friend and her kids. This is heartbreaking to read. 

Post # 23
Member
3940 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

The douche must die and he will pay. Because Karma. I am so sad reading this. What a POS guy… this is heartbreaking. Poor little girl… being abandoned by a 2nd parent….

I think your friend  needs to get a lawyer. Fight for sole cutody of the girl and her unborn child as well as for child support for both and alimony for her and half the house and then move to live near her mom. 

He is a total douchebad and deserves the absolute worst outcome. 

Post # 24
Member
3940 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

Oh and I forgot to say… the 6 y.o. girl will need therapy. She has been abandoned not by one but by both parents, she is at very high risk of banadonment issues, self esteem issues, feeling like she’s worthless/not good enough/it’s her fault…poor kid. In this case the unborn kid is so much better off than the 6y.o. it’s better not knowing a douchebag parent than being abandoned by one. 

Post # 25
Member
222 posts
Helper bee

Crossing my fingers that karma will tear him a new one! Holy fuck this is just so horrible! 

 

Sending good vibes to your friend, the little bean in her belly, and her soon to be adoptided little girl! They deserve all the happiness in the world.

Post # 26
Member
3502 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2015

svnnh09:  i just want to pipe up here- make sure the lawyer has an equal amount of experience in divorces as she does adoptions. When my parents started divorce preceding my father used a real estate lawyer he knew, while my mother retained one of the best law firms in the area for divorces. My father got new counsel after the first couple hearings because he was getting his butt kicked. 

I understand adoptions and divorce all fall under family law, where as real estate doesn’t (going in my dad underestimated how nasty it was going to get), but having a top notch lawyer who specializes in that specific area of law is key to protecting yourself. 

Post # 27
Member
2110 posts
Buzzing bee

Not an attorney but she should ask her attorney if she should try to have a guardian ad litem appointed for the six year old to look out for her interests. It may help her in her adoption and custody efforts.

I would love to ring this asshat’s neck.

Post # 30
Hostess
6530 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2019

Closing this down as it is 2 years old, if OP wants to update they can create a new post. 

The topic ‘Husband left for another woman, 17 weeks pregnant. Any divorced bees in Kansas?’ is closed to new replies.

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