(Closed) Husband lied to me and now I feel duped

posted 1 year ago in Emotional
Post # 61
Member
3556 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

champagnetaste001 :  sounds like maybe you shoudln’t have gotten married after only 2 months of dating. if this was such a big deal to you, you should have done your due diligence and had him cook way before your wedding. sorry but this is all so absurd that it’s hard to even feel sympathetic. you rused into this and now you regret that you didn’t know him better. take that as a lesson learned.

Post # 62
Member
731 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

duchessgummybunns :  I do have an axe to grind, actually. If you’d like to put it that way. OP MARRIED A MAN BECAUSE HE SAID HE WAS A GOOD COOK?!?!?! And somehow, in some way, that has been twisted into him possibly being an abuser?! Give me a fucking break. 

I was in an abusive relationship too. But the thing is, I look for ACTUAL SIGNS that someone is being abused before I start claiming that it sounds like abuse. We have ALL not been impressed with things our partners have done, if we took to the boards to complain about them I’m 99% sure every single one of those posts *could* be a sign that our S/O’s are abusers. OP marrying a man because over dinner he mentioned a few times that he could cook a better meal than the restaurant is hardly grounds to sound the abuse whistle. If OP married a man solely because of his cooking abilities then I think she would probably benefit from some therapy herself to see why her relationship priorities are so flawed. 

sassy411 :  he concocted a false persona because he said he was a good cook???? Lol ok. 

Post # 63
Member
4060 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Lol…i can’t take anyone who says eating food is their lifestyle seriously.  That’s everyone’s lifestyle. It’s how humans live.

Post # 65
Member
408 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

undecided You should have dated a little longer than 2 months before marrying him… but that isn’t helpful to you now.

 

You did it, he did it. You both married someone you didn’t know. Now you are in a marriage. Time to grow up. Take cooking classes together, he was trying to impress you and thought he was a better cook than he was. Oh well. You are seriously considering divorcing someone over how well he can cook…throwing you some side eye right now. You liked him enough to marry him before most people are even having the “Are we exclusive” talk, time to lay in that bed you made and try to make this marriage work.

Post # 66
Member
3416 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

champagnetaste001 :  OK, so what advice are you looking for here??

Honestly, it’s hard to come up with any kind of halfway decent advice to give on a situation that is completely irresponsible in the first place. How can we give advice on how to deal with the ramifications of marrying someone you only knew for two months when the vast, vast majority of us would have never made such an irresponsible decision in the first place?

The reality is this: you need to figure out why you got married, whether you value marriage as an institution and, if you do, what that means for your current situation. To me, rushing into a marriage after two months shows utter disregard for the seriousness and value of marriage as an institution, so I don’t feel like choosing to annul the marriage at this point is any more disrespectful of the institution than that initial decision was. If, however, you choose to lie in the bed you made, you’ve got a lot of serious discussions ahead of you because you need to  actually get to know one another. You need to talk about values, money, goals, aspirations, priorities. You need to find out what else he may have exaggerated during your “whirlwind courtship”  and fess up to anything you might have fudged a little.

Post # 67
Member
1646 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

I guess because it took so long for me to get there that it irritates me to hear of people treating marriage so lightly, like its NBD.  OP you married a virtual stranger….during the honeymoon phase no less!  There was nothing mature in your actions then and certainly not now.  Marriage is really a joke to you isn’t it because that’s all I’m getting out of this post……if its even real.

Don’t worry, I think you SHOULD divorce or get an annulment. Not because of your ridiculous reason but because you’re both idiots and don’t need to procreate and bring more people who act like this into the world.  Mostly, I feel like you should go sit in a corner somewhere as punishment and think about what you’ve done.

Post # 68
Member
1170 posts
Bumble bee

You marry someone for love, laughter, emotional support, kindness, honesty, to challenge your thinking and help you realise the goal of being the best person you can be. You marry someone you respect and admire. Someone you think will  be a good parent to future children etc  if that is the path you wish to take.

You date them for a while to see if all the qualities you want in a spouse are there. You decide if you can take the bad with the good.

To choose a life partner because they have a single hobby you like…well….words fail me…

Post # 69
Member
362 posts
Helper bee

champagnetaste001 :  Why did you lie to your friends/guests about him being a good cook? You didn’t bother to find out for yourself. Why should you feel embarassed now?

You claim this is your lifestyle, a hobby you immerse yourself in, and yet in the past 2 months you weren’t immersed enough to know this about your DH?? I thought immersion meant.. to be constantly in it. 

Post # 70
Member
2234 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I didn’t marry him strictly because of his cooking. There were a lot of different reasons, but I emphasized that because it was related to my post.

 

Well then, you have lots of reasons to stay married then. I get it, you feel he was dishonest, but it’s not like he failed to disclose a previous felony conviction or him fathering a child or anything like that before you married him. He had a somewhat mild hobby of watching cooking shows and occasionally attempting a simple cooking endeavor, which he embelished and threw out cooking show buzzwords while critiquing the foods at the restaurants, in order to impress you. I wouldn’t call him a liar, I’d say he was prone to exaggeration.

 

When I was 25, my friend and I went on a double date with two roommates and they cooked us dinner at their place, saying they were awesome cooks. We had spaghetti with canned tomato sauce and toasted hamburger buns with garlic and cheese. Yeah, sure, these guys were full of shit, but we still had a fun night.

Post # 71
Member
1030 posts
Bumble bee

champagnetaste001 :   Ok, if you are serious about this – you should taking cooking classes together.  You say this is part of your lifestyle. Is your lifestyle eating, only? Because it sounds like you really wanted to make hosting foodie events part of your new marriage and social life.  If that is the case, can you cook? If you can, I think you can help teach him.  If you can’t, it would be a great way for you two to bond and for you to grow your own knowledge-base in reference to a hobby you are really feel passionate about.  My Darling Husband has also casually said he could “make steak better than this” at a lackluster restaurant, perhaps that was the type of scenario your new husband was engaging in and then he realized that your palette was far, far more picky and precise than his is. If you truly married him for other reasons, then this isn’t the end of the world.  But if you’ve realized that you don’t know your partner as well as you thought, I think that just comes with the territory of making an instant connection and marrying this early.

Post # 72
Member
733 posts
Busy bee

champagnetaste001 :  I will admit that I didn’t take your post very seriously in my first response. If you are truly looking for advice, here’s mine:

Choosing to divorce over this would be as impulsive as choosing to marry after 2 months. I think you need to take a deep breath, gather yourself and figure out what you really want here. We are poking fun at the fact that he can’t cook, because frankly your description of how you figured this out was pretty humorous, but the real issue I take it is that he lied in your eyes. It is valid to feel betrayed because you did trust this man enough to marry him.

The two of you need to truly focus on building a foundation for a strong marriage. That means coming clean about anything you might have exaggerated and start really being true to who you are.

Honestly only time will tell if this was an abberation or a symptom of a bigger character flaw. You need to decide if you’re willing to stick around and figure out which it is.

Post # 73
Member
725 posts
Busy bee

Is this a troll? Marrying someone because they claimed they are a good cook? GTFO ๐Ÿ˜‚

Post # 74
Member
154 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

cmsgirl :  what and like send him for an STI check? I just can’t ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚

Post # 75
Member
413 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

champagnetaste001 :  Jesus Christ… go to a cooking class with him then if his cooking skills are so damn important. You aleady jumped the gun with marriage why jump the gun with divorce if you actually love this man? He lied about his cooking ability I’m sure you’ve embellished in this “whirlwind” romance as well. I may be projecting here but as someone who is getting married and writing vows and carefully considering every word I say to my future husband I find it a slap in the face with people jump into marriage because it’s “romantic” and then don’t take the time to make it work after the first hiccup. Think about it, this would have been just a fight between a young couple and you probably would have laughed about it but since you’re married you are deeming him a lying monster. poor guy was just trying to impress you and got caught up and now you question everything he’s ever said. 

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