(Closed) Husband lied to me and now I feel duped

posted 1 year ago in Emotional
Post # 76
Member
159 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2019

Just wondering but why does he have to cook for you? Can’t you just… keep going out to eat? I’m assuming that is in your budget if this is such a “lifestyle”. I don’t have time to read thru all the replies but like… come on. Can you cook? 

Post # 77
Member
2222 posts
Buzzing bee

champagnetaste001 :  first of all, since you’ve confirmed that this is real, I don’t think you should be embarrassed at the bad food. We all screw up sometimes, so maybe be thankful that he even tried. He shouldn’t have lied about his cooking skills, but you’ve gotta own up to your own failure to do your due diligence before marrying him. 

 

Second of all, what are the reasons you married him for besides his self-proclaimed chef status? I cannot imagine determining someone as marriage material with only knowing them for 60 days. If your other reasons for marrying him are weighty enough, then this will just be something you need to let go of. No one is perfect and it seems like he was just trying to impress you…normal activity for the early stages of dating.

 

Overall, regardless of your brief adaptation phase together, do you feel like committing your life to this person was a good decision?

Post # 79
Member
2442 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: NJ

How did you meet him? the best way to meet someone, if cooking is important to you, is hang around cooking schools. 

Post # 80
Member
2089 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

Have you talked to him about why the F he lied to you about this?  Or does he think he’s a really good cook and is just misinformed?

Can you take a cooking class together or something?  Is he a good enough husband that it’s worth trying to solve the cooking issue?  If he’s great in every other way, it seems silly to throw away a marriage over this, even though I can understand it really matters to you. 

Post # 81
Member
343 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

If you are gonna marry a man for his cooking skills make sure it’s Gordon fuckin Ramsey!

Post # 82
Member
68 posts
Worker bee

DanaWeddingGuest :  like a chef groupie? “The way you fraiche”. 

 

OP: I have met people that got married extremely quick: after two days, after a week, after a month, etcetra; they had long, happy marriages. Whirlwind romances can work, but you cannot want to divorce after every little thing. He cannot cook well, who cares? Maybe he really believed he was a great cook or he was exaggerating to impress you, either way, it’s not a major issue to most people; that is why most of us think this is a joke.  I agree with everyone else, take a damn cooking class. 

 

And I can see where one of the other posters said the quick marriage could be a sign of abuse. My cousin would try to marry his dates after a few weeks and he was emotionally abusive. My ex was abusive and took me to a wedding chapel after two weeks together. It is harder to leave a marriage than to just break up.  

Post # 83
Member
2498 posts
Buzzing bee

My mom and dad knew each other for 6 weeks, and the marriage lasted until his death almost 40 years later. They were both grownups when they married, both intelligent, sensible, reasonable people, both “knew what they wanted” and both knew how to work hard to reach a goal.

Perhaps the next time you choose a mate you will be willing to use and test some different criteria for your choice.

From what you’ve posted I can’t decide whether it’s your recipe or the ingredients that were off the mark this first time.

Post # 84
Member
493 posts
Helper bee

You married someone after 2 months of dating because…. they could cook? Im sorry… but I cant feel sorry for you at all. that’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard. 

This is why you dont get married after 2 months of dating… 

Post # 85
Member
925 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

This has to be one of the worst reasons to get married to someone.   Like, if being able to cook well was the major reason maybe verify that he can actually cook.  

Post # 86
Member
878 posts
Busy bee

He probably didn’t realize how big a deal food is to you and was just trying to impress you. Kind of like how a guy might exaggerate how good he is at sports or something, or someone might feign interest in a certain band. I once told an ex I was really into running just because I knew he was and I wanted him to be impressed. That backfired when we went on a run together and I couldn’t keep up. 

It seems strange that the cooking issue didn’t come up in two months, given that it’s so important to you. 

Post # 87
Member
1001 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

You can’t be living that lifestyle a certain way THAT closely if you’re just figuring this out now?

Or….if eating well EVERY SINGLE MEAL is so important to you, either cook yourself OR just continue to eat out.

Post # 88
Member
9610 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

He can learn to cook though. Or you can be the chef of the family. Or you can take a cooking class together. This isn’t something to divorce over.

One of my friends is huge into fitness. She goes to the gym regularly, eats healthy, runs marathons. It’s not just a hobby, it’s a lifestyle. When she met her husband he wanted to impress her so he went to the gym with her, kind of adopted her lifestyle, but about a year-ish in he couldn’t keep up anymore and finally told her he hated the gym but had just really wanted to impress her. They didn’t break-up. It wasn’t even a fight. It’s a funny story they love to tell people. They have tons of other stuff in common and spend plenty of time together and he fully supports her in all her marathon training but he doesn’t have to do it with her. Now they’ve been together 10ish years (married 3).

This really doesn’t have to ruin your marriage.

Post # 89
Member
1626 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

wow I cant believe wedding bee removed my comment that’s just ridiculous. So its better for me to judge this persons moral decisions and life choices then question whether this is legitimate. What utter nonsense. Ya’ll need to start labeling your friggin moderators too so we know who the hell is sending us threatening emails about our accounts. Good job wedding bee. 

Post # 90
Member
183 posts
Blushing bee

My advice for you is that if you love him, help him grow. Teach him how to cook. Teach him what you like and prefer with your food. Or take cooking classes together. The thing is, cooking can be learned. I wouldn’t divorce over a skill that can be taught. If there are other amazing traits about him, then why aren’t you focusing on those?

However, I do see how you feel lied to, almost betrayed, and questioning who he really is. But you really don’t know someone in two months. Heck, my fiancé and I have been together for two years and we are still learning more about each. And we always will be. I don’t know about you and your husband, but for us, marriage means continuing to love, support, and help each other, even if we are later learning things about each other we don’t like. Now, I’m not talking about a secret crime or secret children. I’m talking about skills and such. For example, my fiancé is really unorganized to the point it drives me crazy. And when we first dated he kept things super neat and that was something I really admired about him and wanted in a future partner. Turns out he was just trying to impress me and is really the most unorganized person I know. So when I get frustrated about him not remembering to do the dishes, I remind myself to stay calm and to ask him how I can help him remember to do the dishes in the future. 

Another thing I suggest is having a calm and collected conversation with your husband if you haven’t already. Ask about his perspective of the situation and don’t criticize it. Just listen. Maybe he really did believe what he cooked was good and now feels defeated because it wasn’t good enough to impress you. Remember, everyone has different perspectives and experiences and no one is the same in that way. And you can’t change his experience or perspective either. So just hear his side and have him hear yours. And don’t be harsh about it when you talk to him about it. Talk with compassion. Then perhaps you two can learn something new about each other that will make you two admire each other more. Who knows?

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