Husband making comments on my body..feeling down

posted 3 months ago in Relationships
Post # 16
Member
789 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

In terms of communication these comments he is making are extremely passive agressive. And that just isn’t something that is in anyway helpful. I think you should focus on that. 

In my opinion part of a marriage working long term is keeping the physical attractiveness alive. But obviously there is a right and wrong way of going about that. Shaming someone isn’t ok. Passive agressive comments are not ok. They aren’t productive and are damaging. If you have something you want to talk about you need to bring it up in a mature way and discuss it. 

If my fiance sat me down and said, hey I have noticed you have gained a lot of weight recently. I would love to support you in making healthier choices. What can I do to help? Yeah, no one wants to hear that. It sucks, but would i rather have a fiance or husband slowly lose his attraction to me? No, i actually would want to know if i was starting to slide into bad habits etc. And honestly, when I have gained weight i haven’t felt as good about myself either and my partner mentioning it to me would be them telling me something i already knew, and so not that shocking or hurtful. 

My mom and dad have been married happily for 45 years and once in a while mom has said something to dad like, honey do you really need that extra piece of bread? Are you still hungry? Can I make you some healthy alternative snacks? It never came off mean, and wasn’t intended that way. She just wanted him to stay in shape, and make smart choices. He knew she was right and appreciated the nudge in the right direction. Her motivation was never to be cruel, or cut him down, or anything unkind. He knew that. My mom also tried to be careful that she also was exercising regularly, eating better etc. So it wasn’t like she was holding him to a standard she wasn’t doing herself. 

Without looking at the OP’s posting history, and based solely on the issue of partners talking to each other about weight and appearance, this is my general opinion on it. 

Post # 17
Member
4603 posts
Honey bee

Well, I am sorry you feel badly.  That is unfortunate.

What is also unfortunate is this isn’t at all surprising.  Abusive assholes will be assholes and you’ve signed up for a lifetime of being controlled, manipulated, criticized, name-called, grabbed or pushed or whatever it is he did that one time (and probably multiple times) until you finally decide to value yourself more and decide you don’t want that to be your life.  I wish I had more to offer than a shrug but until you stop just shrugging at your own life there really isn’t that much more to be said that hasn’t already been said.  I hope you stop shrugging soon.

 

Post # 18
Member
135 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2020

annabananabee :  I get the gist of your comment, but it’s a little hurtful and ignorant about why people stay in abusive situations. Sometimes it’s not so clear cut to someone that they need to leave a situation. It’s easy to say from the outside “well, it’s clear he’s awful and if you don’t leave I can’t help you”.

I think we need to have some compassion for OP and realize that leaving an abusive partner is an incredibly difficult thing to do. Usually, the abuser apologizes profusely and goes above and beyond make up for it, or the relationship is smooth sailing until something awful happens. It’s a terrible cycle to be trapped in. It’s difficult to just get up and leave when they’re begging for your forgiveness and you still love that person.

OP, I hope you can take the steps you need to see the reality of your situation and to value your own happiness and safety over him. If you’re not sure if you’re in an abusive situation or you need to chat with someone with no pressure and no strings attached, call a hotline (https://www.thehotline.org/) 🙂 

Post # 19
Member
4317 posts
Honey bee

Just addressing this post about his comments on your body, men who do this are hopelessly insecure and there’s no fixing that. Your body has to please you and you alone. If you dont like the extra weight, lose it now while it’s still at a manageable level. Don’t do it to please your husband, do it because you want to. 

Given your other posts, your husband sounds pretty crappy overall. 

Post # 20
Member
4983 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

shadows9x :  your husband is an abusive pos. Your past posts and this one make me so sad for you. Hopefully one day you’ll be done with this loser. 

Post # 22
Member
249 posts
Helper bee

I understand that you’re reaching out in search of comfort and/or advice… but what you need to do is leave your abusive husband. You’ve posted in the past about his physical and mental/emotional abuse, and you’ve been given excellent advice. 

I’d suggest re-reading some of your old threads, leaving your abusive POS spouse, and to seek out therapy. It’s clear that you’re not able to see just how bad this situation really is, which isn’t uncommon for victims of abuse, but… girl… you NEED to leave. It’s obvious that, on top of this, you deal with anxiety on some level. You need to seek out treatment for yourself, but to be successful in that area you have to cut off the cancer that is your husband.

He’s a colossal chunk of garbage, and his abuse is affecting every aspect of your life. His abuse affects your anxiety, which in turn affects your career, which affects your anxiety, which affects your ability to form friendships, and so on, and so on, and so on… PLEASE take this seriously and finally start prioritizing yourself. Eventually the pushing and shoving will start again, and god forbid you’re pregnant or have an infant when it does (I only mention this as you’ve stated several times in recent posts that you plan to have children soon). It’s bad enough that he’s abusive to you, but on top of that he will be abusive to your potential kids as well. LEAVE HIM. 

 

ETA: in response to your most recent comment, you shouldn’t have to tell him that you don’t like this type of behaviour. It’s common sense. He’s an absolute moron, and at a certain point you’re just enabling him by making excuses for him. None of this is your fault, don’t get me wrong. This is his fault and his alone. You, at some point, have to acknowledge that he’s at fault and then advocate for yourself and your potential kids… and to do that you have to stop advocating for him. You come on here complaining about horrible things that he’s doing (that are genuinely horrible) and asking for advice, and then you buck all advice you’re given and make excuses for his behaviour. What is it you’re hoping to achieve by posting here? It’s clear that you’re not really looking for advice, so how can we help you? What is it you need (and, this isn’t sarcasm. I’m being genuine when I say this)?

Post # 23
Member
137 posts
Blushing bee

annabananabee :  This is not a situation to just ‘shrug’. She’s being abused. Would you just shrug at other type of abuse? She is the victim here, it sounds like her abuser has completely manipulated her and allowed her to believe that he has changed. 

OP I’m genuinely concerned about you. I really hope you reach out to someone about this, even if it’s a hotline. I really hope you get to take a step back and realise you deserve better than this. 

Nice men DO exist. I really hope you get the help you need. 

Post # 24
Member
8918 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

shadows9x :  Your husband is mean. At best. If you stay with him, you’re going to be feeling down a lot. You say things have improved, but this shows that they haven’t. He pretended for a while. Now he’s back to his nasty old self. Dump him or get used to it again. Those are your choices. 

Post # 25
Member
813 posts
Busy bee

shadows9x :  Browsing your previous posts and this one, I have come to this complete conclusion: this whole situation is absolutely disgusting and your husband is a pathetic piece of shit. 

Post # 26
Member
6300 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

Don’t have a baby with this person. Ever.

Ever ever ever ever ever ever ever.

Post # 28
Member
135 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2020

shadows9x :  things have improved a lot…. until he insults you, comments on your weight, and tries to control your appearance. You need to understand that this IS the cycle of abuse (he does something shitty, it gets better, then he does something shitty again).

I’m really sorry, it’s horrible, but things are not going to get better. This is who he is. Think about what he’ll be like if you have a child and there is a lot of added stress and lack of sleep 🙁

Post # 29
Member
1156 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2019

Lol what even is this?

This is not wha a husband should do

Whenever I put on weight Darling Husband never, ever comments on it. He may say “I think we need to start looking after ourselves better”, because when I balloon out, he does too as we eat the same food. Or, I will say it first, depending on who is feeling the shittest at the time. It’s like an 18 month cycle we have – lose weight for a year, be happy with it, spend the next 6 months putting it back on. But it’s never “you used to look so different when you were smaller” and nasty shit like that. And I would NEVER say that to him.

Likewise, when I’m wearing a new outfit, if he likes it he will tell me instantly! If he doesn’t he just doesn’t comment (which tbh, I know now is him not liking it, but hey I appreciate the respect of NOT INSULTING ME)

He (and tbh, you) needs to recognise when something is constructive and helpful, and when something is downright nasty.

THIS IS NASTY

Maybe it’s time you point out all the things that could be fixed with HIM, and see how he likes it. Or, even better, tell him if he doesn’t shut the fuck up, you will find someone who loves you for every bit of who you are, what you look like, and how you dress.

R.E.S.P.E.C.T

 

Post # 30
Member
2286 posts
Buzzing bee

shadows9x :  what does the improvement look like? I must say, I highly doubt someone who called his sick wife a selfish cunt (or something along those lines) made much of an effort to improve.

did things really improve? or have you just accepted his shitty behavior, stopped calling him on his horrible treatment of you, and let him do and say what he wants to you in order to avoid arguments? 

he knows damn well you don’t like being called, well, basically the opposite of what he liked about you physically when you met. it’s common fucking sense. he said some unconstructive shit about something you will NEVER be able to change about your body, and still expects you to fuck him cheerfully.

i know you want to only see the good, because accepting that someone is abusive is hard. you want to rush to his defense because, in spite of how he treats you, you still love him (for some reason). it is hard to think of one’s self as a victim of domestic abuse (verbal or otherwise). but bee, I strongly urge you to take a step back from this, and see how it looks from the outside looking in. things don’t just magically improve in these situations, you just find better ways to accommodate your abuser…

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