(Closed) Husband not considering a higher paying job

posted 3 years ago in Career
Post # 16
Member
972 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

I feel you! It’s hard to see something that you can see would help ease a situation financially and be frustrated about it. I’m not really going to comment on relationship/communication, etc. 

basically, I would definitely pitch the limited time aspect.  I have a job with a company that I’m not crazy about but the plan is in 2 years we will be mostly debt free and will reevaluate if I can stop working or find something else or go part time (or stay on longer), whatever. On the hard days, knowing that there’s a time”limit” helps me a lot. 

it is your family and life and kids too. You do have a right to take an interest and involvement in his job if there are spending trends that could put your kids or your stability at risk. i feel like you do have a right to ask him to at least apply and give him your reasoning and the changes that could happen in that 5 years. He doesn’t have to choose to accept it right away but if he doesn’t apply you’ll probably regret losing the opportunity to consider it more. 

Post # 17
Member
521 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2016

stephcis11:  That’s rough. I can see both sides too… I think you need a budget that both you and your husband work on together. There might be more at play then your husband is saying too. My husband has done something similar and after some serious talking, he said he’s just afraid to try something new because he’s not sure how stable it is/ if he’ll like the work environment. He’s there 10-12 hours/ day, I can’t fault him for wanting to stay in a place he knows he’ll be okay with, even if the pay would have been a lot more… 

Just wondering, would you be able to work PT? That would help financially too. I know a few Stay-At-Home Mom who work PT for a little extra spending money. 

Post # 19
Member
5889 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

stephcis11:  This issue is so much bigger than just a job. 

It sounds like your Darling Husband is unable to realistically confront the tradeoffs of being an adult.  Sometimes if you want to make more money you have to move.  Sometimes if you want to live on less you have to deny yourself some extra luxuries or wants.  He seems unwilling to confront any of these issues.  It sounds like you’ve tried to talk to him about it but he shuts down the conversation by calling it “nagging.”

I think you and your Darling Husband need to have a serious heart to heart.  Make rules in advance: no nagging, no shutting down, not yelling, no blaming, no name calling.  You each come to the table with the facts and discuss your goals and your ideas for appropriate strategies of how to get there.  If he can’t handle this kind of conversation, I really don’t know how to help you.  You guys signed up to be partners in life and you’ve chosen an arrangement that makes you very dependent on each other.  You need to find a way to communicate and work together.  Each person needs to give a little.

Post # 22
Member
1838 posts
Buzzing bee

stephcis11:  It sounds like he doesn’t want to move to a small town. Which is a reasonable position. 

Post # 24
Member
1838 posts
Buzzing bee

stephcis11:  I hear ya. I’m stuck in my SO’s hometown, too. It’s the DC area, so it isn’t too bad, but it wouldn’t be my first choice of places to live. 

Post # 25
Member
5161 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2010

Well, given he spends recklessly a new higher paying job won’t help. He will just spend more money just as recklessly. So you need to get to root of this, not throw a bandaid over it.  The issue here is about the communication, budgeting, respect, not about the job.

I will be honest, I don’t think him not wanting this job in a small town 4 hours away is that crazy.  If he is happy enough with his current job, he may not be wanting to start over in another small town with new coworkers, new bosses, new dynamics, away from his friends, his hobbies. Even if it pays more. He would be the one working there. You can certainly take position more money would be nice, but you are not the one working there.  Five years in a place you don’t want to be is a long time…I don’t consider that short term at all.

Maybe the job – and or the town – is not that great either if it opened up again after a month. More pay is not always worth the tradeoff. Small businesses in small towns often have small politics, especially if you are not a long time member of that community. If his free time is important to him for hobbies, and so on, being in a town without those amenities can also be a big lifestyle issue.

You both chose to have two children – with you being a stay at home parent – knowing his current pay, and knowing his current spending habits. So I assume you had a plan to make it work then, so why is that plan not working? Get to the bottom of that. Throwing more money at a reckless spender won’t help.

Post # 27
Member
972 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

stephcis11:  kind of a random other thought-in addition to proposing the limited time idea, what about coming up with a draft of a budget based on the possible new job/cost of living? Maybe have both budgets side by side and literally show him the numbers and how that could add in to the fun stuff like his hobbies, too? Besides just how it will allow you to live a bit more comfortably.

Change is scary and can really kill motivation to make changes even from bad jobs…so yeah-nagging isn’t what you want but at the same time maybe you can really motivate him and stand your ground on this too. You definitely should have some say as the stay at home mom. You’re relying on him financially &  my opinion is actually that since you’re both agreed that you are staying home–you should have a bigger say in what he’s doing than if you had your own finances to rely on. 

Post # 29
Member
3611 posts
Sugar bee

stephcis11:  If you didn’t have two children to provide for, my answer would be different. However, in your situation, your husband needs to suck it up and take the higher-paying job for the sake of your children. It doesn’t really matter that he doesn’t want to live in a small town — he gave up the luxury of doing exactly as he pleases 100% of the time when he chose to bring other human beings into this world. He also needs to watch his discretionary spending and drop the “stop nagging me” crap if you’re raising legitimate, reasonable objections about his spending. Just as an example, I wouldn’t jump down his throat about having drinks once a week with his friends, but if he’s blowing a lot of money on outings with his friends several times a week while your household finances are tight, you would be within your rights to object.

I also agree with PPs that if it makes financial sense for you to get a job as well (i.e., if you won’t be putting all or almost all of your income toward childcare), you should explore that once your baby is old enough to be away from you during the day. 

Post # 30
Member
4029 posts
Honey bee

stephcis11:  I think others have provided great advice. Have you considered part time work on the weekends or when he doesn’t work? So then daycare won’t be needed.

I do agree though that his reckless spending needs to stop. You both need a budget that is followed. Also, you both agreed to have two children on a tight budget. If your husband won’t change jobs and won’t stop spending recklessly, you will have to make a tough choice. While you value staying at home, what matters more?

1. Financial security for your entire family

2. Staying home with your children

You may have to go back to work if you cannot resolve your financial issues regarding his income or spending.

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