Post # 1
My husband lost his job and has been out of work and home now for 4 months and god help me the ego around him being out of work….omg. He is pulling his weight around home, making diinner, doing chores, but also watching a lot of tv, spending a lot of time on the computer and yes actively searching for work but I am ready to kill him or myself. He says I’m supposed to be his cheerleader. Yes I am trying to be supportve, but I’m getting so annoyed at tiptoeing around his defensive ego. Hearing about the latest show he recorded on the dvr and looking around at the house in a mess. If I even suggest that he could be doing more while he’s home he flies off into a ridiculous defensive fight accusing me of saying he must be a deadbeat that lies around the house all day and does nothing. It does seem like laziness sometimes. It seems obvious to me that while is home and has the time to do stuff (I work full time) that maybe he could turn off tv once and a while and clean a sink. Sigh….I can’t handle this fragile ego.
Anyone else ever have your husband out of work?
Post # 2
That attitude wouldn’t fly would me. I would tell him to get over himself and get his fairy tale princess butt off the couch and get to cleaning, after all you’re the one who is bringing home to bacon and the least he can do is keep the household in working order while he is not contributing to the expenses. There is nothing wrong with occasionally watching tv and stuff, but if you’re out of work, cleaning and applying for jobs is your job and you better well be doing those things at least 8 hours a day.
Post # 3
Is it common in your area / his industry for it to take that long to find another job?
Post # 4
Sunshine09 : My (ex) husband lost his job while I attended school from home (online). I had the same feelings you had and it’s definitely tricky to navigate. Just remember that he may be feeling depressed and kind of like a loser and then the wife comes home and says something about the house. It took my ex 8 months to find a job. It was ROUGH. It’s hard to be understanding and yet think he could do more.
Here’s an article to better understand how he feels and how you may also be feeling!
This is the first part of it:
Losing a job is one of the most stressful life experiences, so it’s normal to feel angry, hurt, depressed, scared, grief at all that you’ve lost, or anxious about what the future holds.
Post # 5
des- : hmm I’m not really sure how to answer that. He has been putting out tons of resumes and has been going on many interviews. Jus hasn’t landed anything yet.
RedHeadKel : thanks, yes it’s a challenge. I know he is struggling with self esteem and anxiety right now. Sheesh though I don’t see why I’m the bad guy for making what I think are obvious suggestions, like can you vaccuum today??…then he flies off “OH NOW I KNOW HOW YOU REALLY FEEL I’M SOME DEADBEAT LAZY LOSER…etc, etc…” It’s all defensiveness but it makes me want to rip my eyes out. Sorry hun…sorry hun, didn’t mean to touch a nerve hun…
thanks for the link I’ll check it out 🙂
Post # 6
Sunshine09 : that would kill me, because I’d have the urge to yell back “well….yea I DO think you’re a lazy deadbeat loser when you play video games for 5 hours while I’m at work and I still have to come home and do all the housework!” which would not be helpful. So while I have no ideas on how to deal with it, just know that you aren’t a horrible person for feeling this way because plenty of other people would too.
Post # 7
LilliV : Well I’m no saint, I said to him ‘you want me to cheerlead laziness?’ which led to a huge fight. :/
Post # 8
I would probably just start leaving lists
Post # 9
- Wedding: September 2015 - Hotel Ballroom
Not my Darling Husband, but the guy I dated before him. He was my college sweetheart and we were living together and things were getting serious. He worked in the film industry (something to do with props and set design) and was unfortunatly terrible at his job due to colourblindness and general sloppiness…why he chose this field I’ll never know!
Anyways…in the year and a half we lived together he was COLLECTIVELY employed for maybe six months. He kept getting fired after a few weeks on set when they figured out how incompetent he was. He even once took a non-inductry job (fast food) and got fired from that too. I know it’s hard to believe from this statement…but he was genuinely a really great guy…he just sucked at working.
When he was out of work I supported us. In turn he kept our apartment immaculate! He did all the chores including walking all our clothing to the laundry mat around the block because we didn’t have a car, and buying all our groceries on foot…which usually took two trips! He woke up with me in the mornings and made me a full breakfast. When I got home from work he even poured me a glass of wine and had dinner ready. I was also a smoker at the time and he made sure I always had a fresh pack ready for me (don’t judge, but it was a really nice touch). He was LITERALLY the embodiment of a 1950’s housewife! After we ultimately broke up I asked him about why he went to all that trouble. He said it’s because I was the breadwinner and deserved it….and also he wanted to prove he was making a contribution. To be honest, I would have been satisfied with his ‘contribution’ if he only did HALF the stuff he did. I never asked him to make me breakfast, or pour me wine, or fold and organize all my clothes after washing them…he just did.
I’m not saying every unemployed SO should be like this…but that was my experience with it.
Post # 10
I have the opposite experience – I was unemployed for a period of time. From that side, a few comments:
– Household chores are a never ending cycle of crap 🙂 I admit I didn’t always stay on top of things, as sometimes it just sucks. Cleaning toilets sucks. Sweeping up the never ending dog hair sucks. Most days it was fine but others, it all sucks.
– being unemployed also sucks. I called it situationally appropriate depression. I didn’t have a job and so it was appropriate that it made me depressed, especially after spending so much time applying for job x and then getting a quick rejection letter.
– your job from the perspective of the family is to make money. It doesn’t matter what that means – so if you had an easy day, or a lazy day, your husband doesn’t care because you did your job – bringing home a paycheck. But staying at home running a household can be judged. So when I had a lazy day, I felt like my husband was giving my a performance review. It’s very uncomfortable.
my advice is to sit down and figure out everything that needs to be done, broken down into small parts. For example, not just “do laundry”, it’s “wash laundry”, ” fold laundry” and “put clothes away”. It shows you both how running a home has a ton of tasks, and also how you both can be efficient. For example, maybe you start the laundry before you go to work, he does the transfer to dryer plus folding, plus putting his stuff away, and then at the end of the day you put your stuff away.
Post # 11
houstonsweetcorn : your job from the perspective of the family is to make money. It doesn’t matter what that means – so if you had an easy day, or a lazy day, your husband doesn’t care because you did your job – bringing home a paycheck. But staying at home running a household can be judged. So when I had a lazy day, I felt like my husband was giving my a performance review. It’s very uncomfortable.
– thank you – what a great insight! I have never thought of it like that – as I am sitting here at my job on weddingbee…but being at home can be judged. Smart. very good food for thought, thank you for that
Post # 12
For a man losing his job and being unemployed kills their ego and self esteem. Also if he has been sending out resumes to a lot of companies and not hearing back much is another confidence killer.
4 months is long but not unusual. When my dad lost his job he was off of work for almost a year, and that’s with applying everywhere all the time. He did work around the house but got into a funk like your husband might be in. Try not to criticize him, don’t make him feel less-than.
Notice the little chores he gets done, praise him for making dinner, don’t nag. If you can, help him look for jobs online and take him to a professional resume builder. Can he take some upgrade courses for his line of work while he is at home?
This is temporary. I know its stressful for you but he seems to be trying.
Food for thought** how would you feel if you were unemployed, looking for work all of the time, going on interviews, doing little chores around the house and cooking dinner and your husband comes home and goes off on you for not cleaning the sink??
Post # 13
Sunshine09 : This would really stress me out too! Can your Darling Husband just take a temporary job, maybe even something part time so he has a schedule again? I imagine getting out of the house and bringing home a paycheck would feel good after 4 months of “no’s” even if it’s not what he’d prefer to be doing. My Fiance did that and ended up finding a career in his “temp” job even though it was not even close to what he went to school for.
Post # 14
Something that my husband and I implemented a couple years ago that has really helped us is to have check ins where each one gets 15 minutes to speak honestly and without interruption. It brought the defensiveness level down on a lot of our conversations because we’re weren’t each fighting to be heard. We set a timer and each one can talk for the full time until it goes off about what’s going on with them and how they’re feeling (and not always related to the relationship). It really clears the air in an effective and efficient way and then after each has gone we’re able to continue the conversations with more awareness of how the other is feeling.
Post # 15
Sunshine09 : My husband was home from work for 3 months after an injury at work. He was not allowed to go back until he completed the entire recommended physical therapy and had many appointments before he was able to resume even though he was fine. I know it’s not the same thing/hit to the ego as losing a job but I can tell you they all act the same…
He spent most of that time napping with the dog, playing video games, and watching tv and if I even opened my mouth to ask him what he did all day or ask him why he couldn’t put dishes in the sink he would turn into a child. One day I came home after working a 50+ hour week and selling his parent’s house (another 20 or so hours of work) and I saw hair in the bathroom sink and dishes piled up in the kitchen and I said totally joking with him- “you couldn’t even wipe this down? Why did you even bother to shave, not like you have anywhere to be” and HE.LOST.HIS.SHIT. I thought he was about to cry. This was only after him being home for about a month.
After that I tried to be nicer about it. I would text him or call him from work and ask him to do stuff in advance and tell him how much it would mean to me if he could do this before I got home. I guess he needed to hear that appreciation and also he does better when he has tasks laid out for him. Background info: He’s not the type of person that would just do things around the house unless asked. He’s just not very proactive about things like that so when I would get annoyed with him AFTER THE FACT, he would look at me like I had 10 heads for being mad about something that to me, felt like common sense or even just being considerate. He didn’t see it that way. When we finally spoke he told me that he isn’t a mind reader and didn’t know it was so important. Your husband is probably feeling similar. I guess just try a different approach? You know he’s trying to find a job, but maybe you can still get the things you want done by approaching it differently.