(Closed) Husband planning to meet women for sex

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 196
Member
613 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2016

TheGridMonster:  YES EXACTLY!!!

#1 way to be a terrible dad? Be a terrible spouse.

Post # 197
Member
2573 posts
Sugar bee

KC-2722:  I don’t really have so much pity for her at this point. You have to want to help yourself and she seems content to strap on the blinders and hope he doesn’t stray. I could care less if she wants to subject herself to his bahavoir but like grid said kids are not stupid they pick up on this kind of stuff.

Post # 198
Member
4697 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

sway0060:  Eh.. Good point! I guess its hard to actually pity someone who is blind to how serious this actually is. I do hope she wises up before bringing a child into this world but, doesn’t seem likely..

Post # 199
Member
3113 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2016 - Surfer\'s Beach, Grand Cayman

At the very least you need to put TTC on hold until you both get counselling and get yourselves together, you are not in the position to bring a child into this world together right now. Having a child will not fix this, work on yourselves and your relationship and then re-evaluate. The way you are taking this so lightly I fear will cause this to happen again and again because he knows you will forgive and forget. Trust me I’ve been there! I wish so badly I had put my foot down so many years ago so I didn’t waste all my 20’s with an asshole to only end up divorced, don’t be me. Don’t turn a blind eye to this, make this hard on him too, make him know you are serious about change. Please.

Post # 200
Member
1167 posts
Bumble bee

I do believe that this thread has run its course.  The topic has now moved from meeting women to being a father.  The OP has now heard countless advice and has properly made her choice. 

Post # 201
Member
413 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

Wow! Aaaanyway. I won’t waste time reiterating what’s already been stated. 

I just want to know more of why you’re staying besides the usual “history/length” & you loving him so much. Are you not able to financially support yourself?

Post # 202
Member
336 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

I can guarantee that your child will hate you both. Him, beause he’s abuser, and you, because you’re enabler. 

 

 

Post # 203
Member
336 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

And I realie that it was a cruel thing for me to write. But it’s also true. Your child will love you – you will be his parents, but your child will also see everything. How he treats you, how he abuses you. You give away all of your boundaries. I worry you might end up abused physically or sexually – simply raped. Your husband shows ZERO respect for women, ZERO responsibility. 

 

It doesn’t matter that he had a rough childhood. All matters is how he is now. And he’s simply not to be trusted.

 

He will take away everything from you – your joy, your hapiness, your dignity. You already are trying to please him in anyway you can just so he wouldn’t leave, it’s all about him. You’re tiptoaing arond him. You’re going to allow him more and more kink in the bedroom – because that’s what he demands and expects – and you’re going to lose yourself totally.

 

And your child will see ALL of that. He will see a mother that’s an object. He will se a mother that is used, discarded, disrespected. And he or she will learn from that.

 

If you end up having a boy, the chance is higher he will end up abusing someone and degrading women just like your husband does. If you have a girl there is a chance she will end up like you – in an abusive relationship. Only luck and shitload of therapy will fix your children because of both of you did and screwed up.

 

You might tell yourself that you’re doing it out of love, respect for marriage, loyalty, but you’re only lying to yourself. It’s not that you chose to stay. It’s HOW you chose to stay. And you chose to stay by giving up everything, not demanding anything, and basically walking on eggshelss around a dickhead that disrespected you horribly. 

 

And now tell me: will you be proud if you see your daughter in 30 days in the same place as you? will you be HAPPY that she needs to spread legs more often and in more fun way to keep a man happy? A man that otherwise if he doesn’t have immediate gratification wants to BUY OTHER WOMEN?  

Unfortunately, regardless of your pure heart and wonderful intentions you cannot be a good mother if you allow this to happen in your home. You can be a loving one. But not  a good one. Not the one that can truly raise a child in a proper manner, without scarring him/her. 

 

You chose to stay? Fine. But have some courage to demand, dictate and DRAW CLEAR BOUNDARIES that need to be executed. This is the only chance you have. 

Post # 204
Member
715 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

I honestly hope you are right about him and he is a good man. I’m sorry for the way you are being treated, I know I could not personally stay. But it takes a shit ton of strength to try to make it work. 

I think you should wait to continue TTC to make sure he is a good man and husband.

I was a complete daddy’s girl until mum and dad split and I learnt how he treated her. I still love him but it’s very difficult to respect him.my mum thought she was happy, but has since realised she was not truly happy until dad left. Keep that in mind, she thought she was happy for years longer than she was. After 20 years she’s only just been able to come off her antidepressants a few years after the split.

make sure he will treat you right and be a good influence to your kids about treating a partner before you consider TTC. Please be 110% sure he is a good husband, not just that he will be a good father. 

I hope you are right and this was just a serious fuck up on his part, I hope he had taken responsibility and is no longer blaming you.

you should also consider preparing an out just in case. A private savings account at the very least.

Protect yourself, respect yourself, and make sure you are happy with you life. Good luck bee.

Post # 205
Member
11377 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2010

Blushpool:  I understand being with someone for almost a decade. I met and started dating my husband when I was 15. We got married when I was 19, so a total of 9 years (this year) together. I understand this person becomes your best friend, your partner in life. The one you go to with your problems. It’s the person you spend holidays with, eat dinner with, go to sleep and wake up with. I get that. I truly do.

What I wouldn’t be able to get or understand would be if my husband betrayed me or cheated on me. I believe in making a marriage work. I’ve discussed this, I’ve thought about it. If my husband cheated on me it would all depend on the situation though. Was he super drunk, were we having problems and he had a one night stand? Sure. ESP if he came clean about it. It would take a lot of work though. I wouldn’t be able to look at him the same and it would take years of counseling before I could ever trust him again. And until I could trust him there would be no sex.

If he searched women on the internet, had a friend planning a meet and greet AND I found an item belonging to another woman in his pocket would I be able to work things out? I just don’t think I could. The trust would NEVER come back after that. And yea, I probably would try and work it out, after leaving for a while and being on our own, both going to our own counseling. But I can tell you now it just wouldn’t be the same.

And if he did all of the above AND then tried to turn it around on me and blame everyone but himself, then I wouldn’t be able to even try. I would have to walk. It would hurt. I would be broken. I would probably honestly die inside. But I would rebuild my life and learn to move on. I hope you do, too OP. And if not I truly wish you the best and hope you can make your marriage work.

Post # 206
Member
337 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

Blushpool:  Do not let anyone make you feel bad for staying. This would also not be a deal breaker for me, I feel that for my husband to do something like this there would have to be a serious issue going on with him for him to feel he needs to do this. 

 

I think it is great you are trying to work things out and get back on track, you love your husband and if you gave up easily what type of person would that make you. 

 

People on this site are so quick to jump to the leave him and scum bag stance but it would be interesting to see how many would automatically jump to divorce rather then trying to work it out if this were to happen to them

 

I hope you get the outcome you want and things work out for you and your husband x

Post # 207
Member
285 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2015

 

Blushpool:  I hate to say this, but you saying your husband is from a family with problems like that, and an abusive father, only confirms even more that it is set in him. Not everyone who comes from abusive parents  become that themselves, but the HIGH majority who are abusive are from families with a history of it. My ex came from a family with an abusive father, helped his mom out during the hard times, great with his siblings and kids as well (great with eveyone, in fact….he never fit the profile of an abuser) but that didn’t stop him from being abusive with me. He saw it growing up..whether or not they want to be like what they saw, many do. Just saying that the fact he was raised in a household like that only give him less of a chance of changing. I truly hope I am wrong and that everything works out..I am like you and will work things out until there is absoulutely nothing to work out anymore…and thats what I did with my ex, but unfortunately he did not change no matter how genuinely sorry he seemed. I pray it is different for you.

Post # 208
Member
286 posts
Helper bee

If you want to continue to stay with him and be abused, that’s your decision; but it would be beyond selfish, sick and cruel to bring a child into this. I feel for you, truly I do….but you have the freedom to decide what you want to do and you’ve made your decision. A child doesn’t get to choose to be brought into an abusive situation like this. Please, do not have a baby with this man!!!

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