Husband put a tracking device on my car

posted 1 year ago in Emotional
Post # 16
Member
7800 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

I am shocked at the number of people making excuses for this. You track someone because you don’t trust them, NOT because you’re afraid someone will carjack them and drive away with them. I understand former military men aren’t always rational. I dated a man for years who was on the USS Iowa in 1989 when the gun turret blew. We were at a fair once; they started setting off fireworks and he screamed at me to get down. I didn’t understand what he meant, and he tackled me and laid on top of me. I very much understand that these experiences can be life-changing and psychologically damaging. But after that, he was really open about what he went through and what he was still going through. If the two of you are going to make things work, he HAS to be open with you about his worries, concerns and obsessive thoughts.

So I don’t accept the excuses. This has nothing to do with depression or PTSD. He planned this and did it in secret. Had it been to protect you, he would have told you and explained why. I absolutely would NOT accept any excuses for this. He needs counseling and he needs it now. He absolutely cannot put the blame for his issues on you. You didn’t do anything wrong here.

You need to tell him that you understand he has some baggage to unpack, and you really want to help with this, but that he cannot make you into the bad guy. He needs to accept what he did was controlling and irrational. I hope you’re able to work through this, and I hope that you insist he gets help. Once again, he didn’t do this to protect you. He didn’t call the police or even call you when your car went off the expected route; he was NOT trying to protect you. He waited until you came home and grilled you. It is YOU he didn’t trust, not the big bad world. 

Post # 17
Member
737 posts
Busy bee

View original reply
anonbeerant678 :  I am so sorry and I feel terrible for you both 🙁 he is obviously still struggling and needs some therapy. I don’t know anything at all about PTSD as it results to military service, but I’m sure some other bees might. Much love.

Post # 18
Member
4 posts
Wannabee

Hey Bee, I just wanted to comment and say I really admire how respectfully you spoke about your husband while detailing this. I see how a lot of women just so easily “go off” and feel very justified in doing so. It is very obvious this is a man you deeply love. It is not possible for any of us to truly grasp the depth of that. (This is why I don’t like when women make these crazy enraged statements in response to posts like these). A relationship is so deep and so multi faceted. These women do not know all that the two of you have been through together. 

It sounds like you two have already worked through a lot, and I feel confident that you will work through this too. And I totally understand your anger and feeling frustrated and violated. I hope this doesn’t offend you, but I am going to pray for you and your husband specifically tonight. I know people mock prayer but I believe God truly hears us and cares. 

Again, I’m not sure why but your post really touched me as silly as it sounds. I am just so used to seeing women be upset with their man and use it as an excuse to off the rails and speak super disrespectfully behind his back (online included). Don’t loose heart. Keep fighting for your marriage. I can tell you are an amazingly supportive wife. I will pray your husband sees that. 

Post # 19
Member
1240 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

To me, if he had woken up and you were gone and he tried to call you and you didn’t answer and he got worried that something happened so he then checked the tracking. That would be one thing. But he checked the tracking before he called you, and then asked you where you were. He knew where you were so that to me shows a lack of trust on his part. If it really had been about your safety he would have just been relieved you were okay. When he called he would have just asked when you would be home since he already knew where you were and left it at that.

Huge violation of trust to track you without your permission. If he already knew you were open to Life360 and being tracked why wouldn’t he tell you if it really was about your safety?

He asked where you were and you told him. If H calls and asks where I am and I tell him, I am at Target, I do not feel the need to tell him that earlier I stopped by Ulta and then browsed at Nordstrom’s and now I am at Target and will be home soon… I don’t get how you lied to him?

I would remove the tracking from your car and see what your options for therapy are.

Post # 20
Member
2009 posts
Buzzing bee

View original reply
nicolethirdtimesthecharm :  “It is very obvious this is a man you deeply love. It is not possible for any of us to truly grasp the depth of that.”

 

Sounds like a justification for abuse, but okay :/

And yes, this situation does sound abusive in my opinion…and I’m not one to throw that word around without significant caution. 

Post # 21
Member
2009 posts
Buzzing bee

View original reply
elodie2019 :  EXACTLY. He knew exactly where she was…he was trying to set her up so he could be justified in not trusting her and turning this into him being a victim of betrayal. Mental health aside–this is crazy. 

Post # 22
Member
349 posts
Helper bee

I am shocked that he tracked you. That would be a huge breach of trust for me, and something I would have to consider deeply in terms of whether I could move past it or not. I don’t believe anything justifies tracking your spouse without telling them/having an agreement about it. His reasoning may make complete sense to him but that does not make it right, and doesn’t explain why he didn’t tell you. I would also be considering what else there may be that he isn’t telling you.

If you want this to work, I would insist on individual counselling for him and couples counselling at some point too. Personally I know it would take a LONG time for the trust to be rebuilt though so be prepared for a long journey. I am so sorry that this happened to you Bee. I hope that you have people to talk to and lean on for support. Sending love.

Post # 23
Member
1360 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2021

I’m not buying this is about safety, because if it were he would have told you about it and he would have called you first and if he couldn’t get through then he would have checked the tracker. Myself and my fiancée have the find my friends app for safety and we only use it if we can’t get in touch with each other, and we obviously both know we have it.

I think he put a tracker on your car because he’s paranoid and doesn’t trust you, not because he’s concerned about your safety. For me though after finding this I would be paranoid myself about what else he’s doing behind your back to spy on you? Does he have software on your phone or computer? Has he got cameras in the house etc? I wouldn’t be able to trust him any more. 

Post # 24
Member
9758 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

View original reply
nicolethirdtimesthecharm :  None of us married women can grasp the depth in which another woman might love her husband? 

Yeah ok. 

Post # 25
Member
6586 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

A history of PTSD/trauma and military service is no excuse for controlling and abusive behavior. This was planned and calculated. That whole “safety” excuse is BS.

Post # 26
Member
1452 posts
Bumble bee

As the widow of a veteran with severe PTSD in addition to other mental illnesses that were undiagnosed while he was in the service, I feel for you.  We can never understand what another has gone through, especially in the military and, in his mind, he may be able to justify what he did.  What you need to do, however, is get the two of you into therapy and find out what can and cannot be managed.  If this is something that he ‘needs’ then, you need to decide if you can live with it or if you need to move on.

 

Post # 27
Member
8426 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

Therapy for him, immediately. Lots of counselors are offering online sessions.

My main issue with this is that I don’t buy that he did this for your safety. He called you and you answered, so what was there to be concerned about? No, he thought he was catching you doing something shady IMO, or he wouldn’t have confronted you about it. That’s not being a concerned husband, that’s being a controlling asshole.

Post # 28
Member
1812 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2020

I’m sorry about what you are going through. You seem like a very level headed and loving person. 

I think as women, we often give men passes for bad behavior, even when we should not. (I am not saying that you are.) Women become even more generous with these passes when there is mental health, especially when military service is involved.

When you speak with your therapist, I think it would be helpful to separate out the excuses versus the explanations for your husband’s behavior. The mental health issues stemming from your husband’s military service help explain what he did, but they should not excuse them.

I’m stuck on the fact that he KNEW you were ok with the Life 360 app. A 24/7 app on your phone is a lot more intrusive than a tracking app on your car! Instead of asking you to install Life360, he secretly tracked your car. He’s paranoid about getting tracked himself, but he has no qualms tracking you! He’s already holding the two of you to a double standard. 

Other PP’s have articulated why his issue is lack of trust more than anything. He used the device to grill you into an, “Aha!” moment rather than showing concern for your safety.

You should each do INDIVIDUAL therapy before doing therapy together. He has his own issues to work out. You should be able to sort your feelings out with a professional in a safe space. You and your therapist can be more frank with each other in private. Your therapist would be in a better position to work out if this incident was motivated by paranoia, lack of trust, and/or control. The distinction matters because control is part of a domestic abuse dynamic. 

When each of your therapists (you should get separate ones) decide that you’re ready for conjoint, you should then seek a third therapist to do your couples counseling.

Best of luck.

Post # 29
Member
1829 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

he needs to get into counseling to be able to understand why this kind of behavior is wrong, in my opinion. No amount of arguing is going to convince him that you are right and he is wrong. A tracking device/app on a phone is very different then putting one in a car. Bottom line is you are an adult and should be allowed to leave the house and do the things you want to do.

I understand mental illness is extremely tough, but him grilling you on where you went and why, seems more to do with trust then to do with him worrying about your safety. 

Post # 30
Member
1197 posts
Bumble bee

Bee, please stay safe. This behavior is associated with some of the most violent forms of domestic abuse. Please have a plan for leaving quickly (store things elsewhere, keep a copy of your keys where he can’t hide them, get a second phone hidden somewhere—-(even one without a plan will call 911), get a separate uber or lyft acount so he can’t track you if you need to leave, reset your passwords and make sure he doesn’t have access to them, look into a place you and your child can go and stay safely, preferably a place he won’t know about or to which he will not have access.) That is potentially an EXTREMELY dangerous situation. 

His military experience may or may not explain his behavior, but it does not make it acceptable and it does not mean you are safe. 

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