Post # 31
Your husband has serious mental health and addiction issues. You are doing him no favors by playing along with his delusion that you two can handle this yourselves.
He needs to be in treatment with qualified professionals. He is suffering terribly.
And a very hard *no* on couples’ counseling right now. These are not couple issues. Individual therapy for you, yes, definitely. He needs treatment specifically for the PTSD; that will include help for his addiction. Addiction doesn’t just go away, Bee.
I was floored reading through your post, Bee. How can you live with a man so clearly mentally ill and not insist that he get treatment? If he resists, which is a virtual certainty, you must *two card* him. He goes into a PTSD treatment program or you’re out. You can try the VA hospital.
If he truly does struggle from some type of paranoia, it will be very difficult for him to engage in therapy due to the extreme mistrust of anyone outside of his tight little circle. Do *not* feed into this.
Post # 32
This would be a hard stop for me, personally.
Number one, i don’t like the double standard. He didn’t want to be tracked via the Life360 app, but it’s okay to secretly install a tracker on your car and stalk your location?
I don’t think I could forgive this breach of trust and privacy, and I would certainly never be able to trust him again, either.
I feel like he’s not 100% viewing you as an equal or a partner, but as someone who is in need of an intrusive degree of protection.
I would also double check your phone to ensure he doesn’t have any sort of tracking set up there, via any similar apps, Find My Friends, etc. I wouldn’t put it past him.
Post # 33
My husband is ex military with PTSD so I get the desire to explain away his behavior, but it is not okay. He needs continuous therapy. And that still may not be enough. I also caution you to avoid couples therapy at this point. If he is abusive, then it only gives him a roadmap to control you better.
That being said, I highly doubt this is the only way he is spying on you. This article contains many good resources:
Post # 34
As someone whose last relationship ended due to unmanaged PTSD, my heart truly goes out to you. No one understands what it’s really like until they’ve actually lived it. I think an important distinction to make is that while PTSD is an explanation for his behavior, it’s NOT an excuse for it. Like others have said, he needs to get into intensive therapy ASAP to learn how to cope in ways that are healthy. I recommend you also receive counseling to learn how to set and enforce solid boundaries with him, which is key for making a PTSD relationship work. Please let me know if you’d like me to point you towards any resources. Giant hugs for you!
Post # 35
I can sympathise with what he has been through, but this is NOT ok. He needs to take responsibility for what he has done, and part of that is starting therapy immediately.
As someone said to me many years ago “your past is an explanation – it is not an excuse.”
Post # 36
I agree with PPs that your husband’s experience explain but don’t excuse his behavior and that you need to be very cautious because this could easily turn into violence. This is controlling behavior.
I would look up how to deactivate or remove the device ASAP. You both need to go to therapy and he needs to not touch your stuff.
Post # 37
I bet he is tracking your phone too. You need to go to a “Spy store”. That is what they are called. They have devices that you can use to determine if you are being tracked. Is there any legitimate reason that he fears someone may retaliate against him for something that makes him so vigilant?
Post # 38
& As a military wife whose husband has been on 3 deployments & as a daughter of a Vietnam vet with severe PTSD and paranoia – I find this frightening behavior. I have seen a lot of paranoia manifest in my life and I’ve had to deal with a lot of PTSD fallback. I’m not sure where secretly tracking your whereabouts and then cornering you into a confession comes into play but it needs to be addressed by a professional ASAP. You will also need guidance separately.
Were you with him at all prior to his time in the military? I’m curious if there were any signs of jealousy or insecurity prior that may have compounded due to a deployment.
Post # 39
I would be pretty annoyed but I think he had good intentions. Lots of miltary men (mine included who is ex reserve force) feel a real need to protect their family.
You know you can now constantly share your whereabouts with a significant other on Google maps- he doesnt have to share his with you if he is so paranoid about being watched. We do this so when I go for huge walks, husband knows where I am etc. Sometimes he comes and picks me up as sees it’s raining and knows where I am.
Post # 40
if the husband intended to protect the wife, then the husband would say to the wife
“I have put a tracking device on your car. Check that it’s there each time you drive it and then you’ll feel secure knowing that I know where you are.”
but the husband installed the device furtively. His intentions were to gain knowledge of the wife’s movements to enable closer control.
In your own anecdote, it’s clear that you know and accept that your location is being shared with your husband.
The OP is married to faulty goods. And faulty goods damage you unless you dispose of them or have someone qualified fix them.
Post # 41
Aye, the “entrapment” way he made sure to catch you in a lie is classic gaslighting. I feel so bad for you, Bee; I’ve been there.
Stay strong, my couples counsellor (who ultimately suggested that I leave my PTSD ex) would point out that there is “no keeping score”. Your transgression at lying has no bearing on the deplorability of his actions here.
Also, as many Bees have pointed, blaming PTSD for bad behaviour and using it an excuse is NOT acceptible. Being self-aware and realizing the role it can play in emotions, thoughts & actions, and working as a team with you is. This man is hurting you.
Post # 42
Why didn’t he tell her about the device? Why was his first instinct NOT that she was in danger, but to interrogate her as if she did something wrong? He called her and she said she was fine. So obviously this was not about safety. It’s almost like he his using his PTSD to cover up more sinister intentions.
Post # 43
yes totally. The issue is he put it on her car without her knowing. Terrible and total lack of trust.
Post # 44
It’s possible that his paranoia is crossing over Into accusations in his mind that began before he bought the device and why he bought the device. I agree with above that if it were about protecting the OP, then there was no reason to keep it a secret from her. He was awfully quick to corner the OP about her whereabouts when she wasn’t where she was “supposed to be.”. This sounds like control with an underlying premise of accusation. He definitely needs treatment now and ongoing. But if the therapist doesn’t hear OP’s side of things then that therapist will likely never hear what’s really going on. OP’s husband isn’t going to offer up what happened.
Is this the same guy who was experiencing paranoia which meant his meds needed adjusting but his doctor had no idea because the guy was putting on an act of “everything is fine” for the doctor? Same person or not, similar problem. There has to be a way for the therapist to know what’s really going on to have any chance of helping to resolve it. The therapist should probably meet with OP and husband each separately to assess safety and check in with OP for safety reasons on a scheduled basis. When paranoia has crossed into controlling behavior, something has got to be arranged that balances the variables here with the OP’s safety at the heart of things.
Post # 45
- Wedding: October 2020 - Concord, Ontario
My fiancée has also been diagnosed with PTSD and BPD we had tracking devices in our cars because I find that it makes her more comfortable knowing where I am at all times and she also texts and calls whenever her insecurities flare up.