Husband putting mother first

posted 12 months ago in Married Life
Post # 2
Member
2433 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: NJ

If she is in a nursing home, and isn’t coming to live with you, count your blessings. Is she not long for this world? If she is on the slippery slope, let your H be with her. It’s now or never. 

Still he could manage an overnight trip. But perhaps he will be as devoted a husband to you, as he is a son to his mother.

Post # 4
Member
3446 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017 - City, State

Based on your post this isn’t new. I know you said not to point it out, but this is what you signed up for. Marriage doesn’t make relationship issues go away. 

It sucks that he has always put his mother before you. I hope at some point in the future he will see that your feelings and concerns are valid and that he starts to make the appropriate personal changes. 

Post # 6
Member
28 posts
Newbee

You had me until you mentioned the nursing home. If her health is very bad then I understand him needing to take care of her right now. I was the one taking care of a grandmother is a nursing home so I know how hard that can be to juggle with your life. 

How much short was this making the trip? If just a few hours then I would not have canceled. As for the holiday, if you were working anyway then why couldn’t he celebrate with his mom? Was he just supposed to sit at home until you got off?

Post # 7
Member
6663 posts
Bee Keeper

sesame :  If he booked this event for his mother knowing you were already committed to work and a work event why would he expect you to be there? Continue on with your plans.

How much did this appt cut your weekend short? If it was an hour then you are being petty. If it was four hours (and without knowing what this appt was for–was there any urgency to it at all?) he is being inconsiderate. Either way, instead of canceling why not just take a girlfriend and go anyway? Don’t cut off your nose to spite your face. 

Post # 9
Member
5563 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

Why did he book the appointment when you would have been on the trip?  Did he give a reason as to why it couldn’t be another time?

I think you’re overreacting in terms of him throwing a party in her nursing home on the holiday you have to miss due to work anyway.  Was he supposed to just sit at home doing nothing because you have to work? 

Post # 13
Member
5563 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

sesame :  I can see why he would change the appointment and if it was my husband I would understand why we needed to cut our trip short.  January is a long time to wait for an appointment regarding funding for an aspect of her care, particularly considering she is 90! 

If I was in this situation and my husband had your reaction I would be pretty upset if i’m honest.  Sometimes plans have to change when important things come up, canceling the trip is very childish. 

Your update, combined with the holiday thing makes me think you are overreacting with this a bit and would probably find fault with every situation involving his mother. 

“Our honeymoom was delayed 5 months because of her. Another trip as i mentioned. And now this trip. This is not fair”

Oh come on, life isn’t fair!  You can’t act like a child because his 90 year old mother who is in a nursing home is ruining all your vacations.  Sometimes things are more important than taking a vacation. 

Post # 14
Member
6663 posts
Bee Keeper

sesame :  Sorry, I would also have grabbed the earlier appointment and would hope my partner would understand. You still could have gone to the theater and spent the night. As soon as you stop expecting life to be fair you’ll be a lot happier. Life is not fair. Never has been, never will be. Life is just life. Time to grow up.

 

Post # 15
Member
2917 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

sesame :  Honestly, you’re sounding pretty selfish here, especially after your update with the reasoning of the appointment. That sounds important, I wouldn’t want to wait months to do that either.

His mother is clearly not in great health if she’s in a nursing home, I think it says a lot about his character that he wants to help her out and be involved while she is still around. As another PP pointed out, he’s not bringing her to live with you so be thankful for that.

And regarding the holiday, why can’t he have the party at the nursing home and celebrate with you after? It doesn’t have to be one or the other, you being at work doesn’t mean he can’t plan something for his mother.

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