Post # 1
Well I didnt think I’d be coming back to this, but I need to get some more advice. Because things just got more complicated.
For a quick summary. My husband quit his job out of nowhere for a new career, which was an extremely significant pay cut. I was a Stay-At-Home Mom (by our own choice and planning) and since he dropped that on me, I put my child in daycare (so hard) and have started back to work working 3 days a week for 12 hour shifts.
So we’ve been ok, financially. My husband and I have been on eggshells and we’ve been adjusting to my child’s new needs as this new change to her life really threw her for a loop. A lot of sleepless nights, stress… just not good times.
So I’ve been working for about a month. Money’s good. My husband’s new career seems to be making a good amount of money as well and seems pretty stable.So 2 weeks into my job, I found out I was pregnant. My cycle has been all over the place since giving birth (and even before that) so it was never weird for my period to be late by a week or two and with everything going on i never noticed it. This just adds to my stress with another mouth to feed, another child to put in daycare and because of the timing, I won’t get maternity leave this time around. My company requires you to be working for a year and since I took significant time off, I’m not eligible.
So here’s my dilemna. My husband wants me to quit my job now and stay home. I don’t want to unless he goes back to his old job. I’m not comfortable with it and I flat out told him it’s not happening unless that condition is met. The fights on this these last 3 weeks have been horrible and have left me in tears. He’s being such a selfish ass about this. And honestly now, I don’t know where to go with this. I want to call my family, book my plane ticket and go the hell home but I feel like its awful to deprive my child(ren) of their father.
I never thought I’d be here. I don’t know if I ever forgave him originally but I really wanted to. And now this. Now another baby and now him not seeing reason at all.
I’m so sorry bees, I just needed to vent.
Post # 2
Why would he want you to quit your job now (vs later when your second is born or just sometime later) when you just started and your other child is now in day care and easing into a routine? Does he make enough to support you and two children now?
Post # 3
whatjusthappened: This all really sucks for you. Try to take some deep breaths and think clearly. Do you want to leave him, or is this just fight-or-flight stress? If you do want to leave, remember that you are not “depriving children of their father” – they will still have both mom and dad. You are simply protecting them from a stressful household full of screaming and fights about money and responsibility.
I don’t think you should leave your job right now. I’m confused as to why your husband even wants that unless he’s just a romantic who doesn’t realize money doesn’t just appear in the bank account each month. I can see taking off work once a second child is born if your paycheck isn’t significantly more than the cost of daycare for a toddler + a newborn. But leaving now, when your paycheck is presumably more than the cost of daycare? We’re having another kid so let’s have less money? Nope.
Post # 4
pinkshoes: He claims that he never really agreed with me going back to work anyway as it “disrupted” our baby’s life and that I was “irresponsible” to go back. I think honestly he’s just offended that I don’t trust him to take care of us financially anymore and just neither one of us are happy in the marriage so we just snap at each other constantly.
And right now, he’s making a solid income but its not where it was, and I’d rather have the cushion of my income
Post # 5
whatjusthappened: Ouch, I’m sorry. And I’m sure he doesn’t see that his choice to quit is what started this snowball effect. 🙁 I don’t blame you for taking steps needed to security your families financial needs, you did what you needed to imo. The “easy” agreement in my eyes is for you to work until the second baby is born, thus causing less disruption to your kids life by pulling your kid out of day care now after just putting them in. Then you can work and save up a larger buffer. I’m sure you guys have sat down and looked at numbers? Do you two have very different ideas of a comfortable cushion?
Post # 6
whatjusthappened: 🙁 🙁 🙁
i’d working if i were you. I’m skeptical of your dh’s communication skills and practicality. It’s better to have more $ and not need it than less $ and need it, as you know.
i am a fan of time-out, but you definitely need to keep working / your job. Can one of your parents come help with childcare?
Post # 7
whatjusthappened: He shouldn’t be deciding on your job. He’s certainly entitled to his own opinion but ultimately the decision is yours. Honestly, I think you should focus on what YOU really want now. If you wish to continue working, whatever the reason, he should accept it.
Post # 8
Ugh, I’m so sorry you have this added stress on top of all of the other recent changes. I remember reading your last post and being so impressed when you stepped up and made arrangements to go back to work. It really bothered me to read that he’s calling you irresponsible for fixing his bad decisions. IMO, you absolutely did the right thing to ensure that, due to the unpredictability of how his new job would turn out, your family would still be able to survive. I feel so bad for you now, and quite frankly a little mad at him.
Stick to your guns and keep working until your second baby arrives. There is absolutely no reason to quit a job that’s providing you peace of mind on top of financial stability. I hope everything works out for you all!
Post # 9
I can get why he might want things to go back to how they were, but things aren’t how they were!
It seems really controlling to want you to stop working, even when you want to continue. Has he said why he wants you to stop? Irresponsible is such a loaded horrible word to use. And if either of you were irresponsible it was him, not you! Leaving his stable job after talking and you saying you didn’t want him to was bad enough, but his actions recently have not shown that he can be trusted to put your family’s financial stability before his own wants.
Having the cushion of your extra income is a really good thing, is there a way of putting it to him that he will see the benefit of your child being in daycare and of the buffer that you’ll create?
Post # 10
He doesn’t get to tell you whether you work or not. It’s strange that he wants to dictate that, when he clearly doesn’t let you have any input on his career choices.
Sit down and figure out every scenarios – him staying at his current job, him getting his old one back, you working, you not working. Account for the new baby. What scenario leaves you the most financially secure? What is most practical for the both of you? Before you had children, I presume you spoke about your “standard of living”. What arrangement works best to give you that standard of living?
Maybe plotting it on paper will help clarify things and what logistically you require in order to comfortable raise your family.
It does not, however, address your husband’s irrational and controlling behavior. I think you need to be honest with him that his decisions have rocked your relationship and sense of stability. Perhaps see if a counselor can help mediate these conversations. The point is, he is not acting as your partner or equal. And that is not what you married him for. Beyond that, only you can decide if he will actually provide a happy, secure future for you and your children.
Also, don’t put so much stock in your fear of “depriving” your kids of their father. While every child needs their father, they also need a happy, loving, stable situation to grow up in. Personally I think it’s better to have separated but ultimately happier parents, than parents together just for the sake of trying to make something that is not there work.
Post # 11
Under no circumstances should you quit your job. He doesn’t get to dictate this, and if he can’t handle that then it sucks to be him. He’s already proven he is reckless and you had to pick up his slack.
Post # 12
whatjusthappened: Here’s your answer: Yes, the changes have been difficult but the baby you have is adjusting, You trust that he is financially caring for the family, however, you want a cushion of income until the 2nd baby is born, so that if any unexpected costs come up with the new baby, you will be covered, and after the birth of baby #2 you are happy to discuss future plans then. I hope that it is just the stress of hormones, and having a 2nd baby on less income that is causing this breakdown between the two of you, and that things will work out for all of you soon. This acknowledges that things have changed, and that you do believe in him, but you also want to be realistic and reasonable, but that you are also flexible, as far as the future is concerned. Perhaps you can have your first born babysat, you both can go out for an early dinner out together on Saturday night, and discuss this calmly while out, and hopefully enjoy dinner together? Or if you don’t think that will work, perhaps write him a letter? And make his favorite dinner or dessert?
Post # 13
pinkshoes: I completely agree that I need to keep working until baby #2 gets here and my husband and I need to really sit down and figure out numbers. I just hate that he always makes me feel like shit with my decision to go back to work when he all but backed me into a corner and forced my hand to go back in the first place. Is that necessarily true? No I did have a choice but I sure as hell didn’t feel like I had/have one. I know a lot of this issue right now is the fact that he and I are just at each other and we probably could figure this all out but both of us all but hate/resent each other and it makes it just awful.
bitsybee: We haven’t told parents yet. Neither set lives close enough to be childcare though 🙁
framarianna: I appreciate your support. I think that’s the hard part- what I really want is my husband to go get his old job back and for me to stay home LIKE WE PLANNED, but life’s what happens when you’re making plans (or fucking them up…) So me working up until #2 gets here and then finding anohter job soon after is really what I don’t necessarily want to do but its the only thing that makes sense.
I guess the other part of this is that I’m so conflicted on what I really want vs. whats best for us. I used to think that we would weather this but its getting harder for me to see the light at the end of the tunnel. He just says some of the harshest things to me sometimes about how my children need me and that thats what we originally agreed on and now I’M breaking my end of the deal. He just makes me so damn angry and I just want to leave some days when he starts on this. When I point out that he’s the one who screwed this up by quitting, he says, “my job is to provide and income and how I do that is my decision, not yours.”
It just sucks here.
Post # 14
whatjusthappened: 🙁 (hugs)
well your job is to be the best mommy and how you do that is your decision not his.
Don’t say that but I’m saying it very loudly in my head right now For you.
Post # 15
whatjusthappened: You sound like you’re still so angry with him for his decision to leave his job without telling you. Rightfully so, but you need to deal with those feelings before things continue to get worse. Have you two been to counseling since then? If not, is there anything stopping you from going now? He clearly had completely different expectations for how things would turn out when he left his stable job and is dealing with the reality of his decision by resenting you. That sounds like such a miserable way for you both to live. Clearly something needs to change, and I think your best bet is mediation through a counselor.