(Closed) Husband quit his job… update

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 16
Member
547 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

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whatjusthappened:  First of all, congratulations on your pregnancy! I hope it goes well for you.

Logically, I think it would make sense that you continue to work for a little while. Perhaps you can position it as you feel more comfortable working and building up a bit of a cushion since you won’t quality for mat leave. In order to best enjoy your two children, you’d like to have some savings in place. 

Post # 18
Member
4044 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

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whatjusthappened:  Perhaps as a compromise, you can revisit his idea when you give birth to the new baby? Daycare for two kids is probably going to cost more than you’re making if you are only working 12 hours a week. 

Post # 19
Member
4453 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I’m 50/50 on this.

On the one hand, I totally agree with PP that he doesn’t have the right to make you quit your job, it’s a good idea fo ryou to work until you give birth for a buffer (because who was ever hurt by having too much money with a new baby?) and obviously I think everyone agrees he was wrong to quit his job without telling you, no question.

On the other hand though, I also don’t think you have the right to make him go back to his old job. And I think you’re still angry he left it in the first place, and maybe using this situation to force him to do what you want, which is go back to his old job so you can have the life you planned for. 

Now you’re both pissed and stamping your feet and refusing to budge.

I think you both have some things to work on: he needs to stop being to controlling, and treat this relationship as a partnership. Neither of you gets to call all the shots, these are decisions to be made together. But for your part, you need to forgive him. I know what he did was shitty, but you can’t just walk around holding onto this anger about it forever. 

 

Post # 20
Member
248 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

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whatjusthappened:  does his new job cover health insurance for your family? 

Post # 21
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77 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

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whatjusthappened:  WTF.  If my husband said that to me about the income, I would definitely have words for him.  Marriage is a partnership and you 100% should have a say in things that effect your family life.  

And why does he get to do whatever he wants, but you can’t?  Also, why is it SO important for you to be home with the kids?  What is his specific reasoning?  Because, eventually, he’s got to let it go.  I sense that if you let him steamroll you on this, without him recognizing his truly awful behavior (he sounds like he needs to learn how to communicate respectfully), that the resentment will only get worse.  Maybe some time apart wouldn’t be a bad thing.  

Good luck!!!  Sorry you are going through this!!

Post # 23
Member
1113 posts
Bumble bee

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whatjusthappened:  I get that he took a pay cut, and that it’s hard on you, but is it really making you guys strapped for cash?  I get that if it is.  I really do.

If you enjoy being a Stay-At-Home Mom and you guys can still pay the bills just fine, I think you might need to talk with your husband a bit more, maybe with a therapist?  I’m not sure what your “agreement” was prior to kids, but it seems you and he were both happy with your Stay-At-Home Mom situation.  I can understand working while he was unemployed, but is it really necessary now?

I know people are going to jump all over me for this, but you both need to choose if money is more important than raising your kid (two kids soon!).  I’m not trying to be a jerk, but just wanting some extra shopping money is different than helping your family stay above water.

I’ll make up some numebrs.  If your hubby made 140K before quitting his job and now makes 60k and you have determined your household needs at least 80K to stay afloat, I totally understand your pain and desire/need to work.  If your hubs now makes 90K and you just miss a lot of extra spending money, you guys need to work that out, or maybe you could work 10-15 hours a week to satisfy your needs?

I’m not going to pass judment on you, but a lot of people think they “need” more money than they really do.  You get used to a certain lifestyle, sometimes that takes a hit when these things happen.  Do you REALLY need the lifestyle?

Again, not sure if this is a lifestyle thing for you, or all out survival.  It sounds like you just want the extra money.  Which is all well and good, but at what cost to your kids and your marriage?  I don’t want to catch any heat for this, but I know I will.  I think being a Stay-At-Home Mom is worth more than extra spending money (or even a PT SAHM).  You and hubs need to decide what is important to you, and it sounds like he has made up his mind.

I don’t really know if it’s so much that he “can’t support you” as much as it is you missing the high income and the lifestyle that may have come with it.  I think it was wrong to spring it on you (like your husband did) that he quit, but I have a feeling his intentions were good.  Not excusing it, but to me, certain things can be forgivable.

 

Edit: just saw his new job does NOT provide health insurance coverage.  I don’t know what it is to go on the market yourselves and buy it (my father does because he is self employed, but also unmarried with no dependents, so different story), but that could be a huge dealbreaker, esp with baby on the way.  I assume you guys buy your own coverage now, is it too expensive for him to pay for?

 It sounds like you guys are really just having a lifestyle disagreement, which needs to be hashed out.  Again, I don’t know if the difference here is a few less meals out a month, or if it’s downright survival mode for you.  

I guess there are a lot of factors at play here.  Many people I know are single income households.  They aren’t “rich”, but they get by just fine.  Sure they go without, but they are some of the happiest families I know.  My father makes almost twice now what he did when I was a kid.  My mom didn’t work and he raised two kids just fine.  Sure we didn’t have exotic vacations, but we had our mom around.  If it’s just a matter of giving up some luxuries to stay home with the kids, I would choose that.

  • This reply was modified 6 years, 7 months ago by doglover89.
  • This reply was modified 6 years, 7 months ago by doglover89.
Post # 24
Member
915 posts
Busy bee

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whatjusthappened:  The words that stood out the most to me were unhappy, angry, hatred, unforgiving, etc. Until these feelings get sorted out and don’t continue to spiral into a path that neither one can come back from, I think doing what you are doing is the best course. 

You and your husband need to set aside a day soon and have a serious “come to Jesus” talk about what happened and how you are both feeling. If you are unable to get a start on a dolution by yourselves, than counseling is the next best option. 

Children are smart and can pick up on things we try and hide. So between having to attend daycare and the tension at home you are going to see more abnormal behavior from her. 

Post # 25
Member
4453 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

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whatjusthappened:   I get that. But both of you saying “i’m only going to do what you want if you do what I want” isn’t going to get you anywhere. I never said you were looking for your old Stay-At-Home Mom mom life back. You did. I said you might be using this to get what you want: him quitting his current job. You said yourself that what you really want is him to go back to his old job and you to stay home LIKE YOU PLANNED.

Post # 26
Member
915 posts
Busy bee

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weatherbug:  She works 3 twelve hour shifts a week. That’s 36 hours. Not 12. 

Post # 28
Member
842 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I would say stay at home with the kids and see if he can solve your financial problems. He is offering to provide the financial support while you do the equally important job of taking care of the kids. Take him up on it. Contribute to the finances by cutting every corner you can.

Post # 29
Member
4113 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

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Anonymous1063:  Take him up on it? What happens if he fails to support them and she’s stuck with the kids, no job, and even angrier than she is now?

What parent in their right mind would take this chance.. Cutting corners is usually not how people choose to raise families, especially when they didn’t have to until he up and quit his job to pull in less money.

Post # 30
Member
1113 posts
Bumble bee

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KC-2722:  It seems as if the OP can pick up a job fairly quickly and easily.  I’m GUESSING she is a nurse?  But that’s just a guess.

I think a lot of people are drawing some big conclusions here.  We don’t know their financial situations, and I think that would change the tune to a lot of drums if we did.  We don’t really need to know, but bottom line is that they both need to figure out what lifestyle they are OK with, at the cost of their careers, childrens lives, their own romantic life together, etc.  

Financial planner and therapist are really the solution here.

Also, “cutting corners” is a big part of raising a family, especially when one chooses to stay at home, no?  I don’t see taking a lesser paying job as the end all be all either, even when kids are involved.  As long as you can stay financially afloat (as per agreed by the couple what that amount is), there is nothing wrong with taking a paycut to leave a miserable job.  Your health, and in result family will be better off in the long run.

We just don’t know OP’s situation intimately, and I doubt she will tell us (as she shouldn’t have to).

  • This reply was modified 6 years, 7 months ago by doglover89.

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