(Closed) Husband quit his job… update

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 31
Member
2066 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

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whatjusthappened:  If I were you I think I would tell him ”So you think you have a say in my job, but you don’t think I have a say in your job? When you just came home and told me you had quit your job from one day to the next, I felt utterly betrayed. You basically forced me to go back to work because I didn’t have health insurance or any clue how your new job would work out. In a marriage, you don’t just quit your job without telling your husband/wife. I haven’t been able to let this go because I don’t think you understand just how much it has affected me and how much this whole thing has a snowballing affect on our marriage. If you can make decisions like an independent single adult, then I can also make decisions like an independent single adult. But that’s not a marriage, that’s two single people living their lives separately. If you want a marriage then so do I, but in that case we need to start communicating and involving our other half in ALL of our major life decisions. And if we can’t do that alone then we need counselling.” 

Post # 32
Member
308 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

You two are high on emotions and I think it’s best to step back and take a breather.   You are entitled to what you are feeling – but for the sake of your family and relationship you need to let it go otherwise it will ruin it.  Don’t get me wrong – I’m not saying you should just roll over and do whatever he says but I feel you are partially holding into your job just so you have some sort of leverage to force him to go back to his old one… But let’s face the fact that he will not go back to his previous job because you want him to.  Even if he does – you returning back to a Stay-At-Home Wife will not change the fact that he will be resentful towards you and it will still continue ruining your relationship.

If he is so gunhole about you going back then try and bring him back to sense that your marriage is a partnership and you need to feel secure with the decisions made similar to how needs to feel secure with it too.  Whatever major decisions you make from here on end must be decided together – not decided solely.  No more talking about the past, who broke what promise, etc.  What’s done is done and now you need to focus on the present and future. Hence he needs to put aside his ego and you two need to logically figure out if what kind of income you can live with while saving for the future. It’s always nice to have a cushion but after a certain size you might not notice a difference. Similarily with the children and whether you two can/cannot afford having them at home vs. daycare.

  • This reply was modified 6 years, 7 months ago by BearBear47.
Post # 33
Member
6582 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

He wants you to be pregnant/have a baby with out health insurance? This could be a fiscal nightmare if there is a problem with you or the baby. Or your other child. That screams “irresponsible” to me- not what you are doing by going out and getting a job!

Post # 35
Member
1746 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

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whatjusthappened:   I remember your last thread. No way would I trust him based on how he blindsided you last time. Who the fug comes home and says he already quit his job for a lower paying one without insurance when it’s the only family income!

You guys need counseling. By blaming you it’s clear he doesn’t see his part in blowing up your family. The stress cannot be good for you and the baby. So sorry!

Post # 36
Member
703 posts
Busy bee

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whatjusthappened:  Maybe I’m reading too much into a single word or sentance, but this is one part that bothers me that I think needs to be addressed: “My husband’s new career seems to be making a good amount of money as well and seems pretty stable”

I totally get not wanting to throw out numbers and say, “hubbys new job pays $$$”, but the way it reads (to me, at least) is that you don’t honestly know what your husband’s new job pays, only that it is less than his prior position. Is that truly the case?

IMO, as a husband & wife team, there needs to be financial transparancy. I’m not saying that you should micro-manage every dollar he spends or vice versa, but it could be that a lot of your stress is rooted in not even knowing how much moveny hes making vs. how much you need.

Or like I said, I could be reading too much into a single word and be toally off.

 

ETA: I just saw your latest post where you described it as an $80K paycut (ouch!), so clearly I was wrong and the issue isn’t a lack of transparancy. My appologies!

  • This reply was modified 6 years, 7 months ago by amanda.417.
Post # 37
Member
1530 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

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whatjusthappened:  I remember your original post, and what you’ve said now has firmly reinforced my opinion: if I were you, I would leave him.

He betrayed you and your child, he was reckless, arrogant, stupid, deceitful…I could go on. And now he has the gall to claim 100% authority on financial decisions for your household? It’s up to HIM to decide how the money is earned? Bullshit. This isn’t the 1950s, you’re equal partners and you damn well have a say in his career if he is the sole income provider — just as he has a say in how the children are raised if you’re a Stay-At-Home Mom.

How dare he tell you his career is his business alone. How dare he guilt you about putting your child in daycare when his irresponsibility forced you to do so! You built a life together and entwinned your finances, he doesn’t get to decide he can separate his role within the family and make unilateral decisions about his career. Never mind yours. 

Your husband is an asshole of the finest class: he hasn’t hit you, he hasn’t cheated, but what he’s done is every bit as awful — worse, even, because you can’t as easily point to his betrayal and say “Look what you did! You’re an asshole!” But what he did was horrible. Beyond horrible. And his behavior since then demonstrates little hope for a happy future. It’d be different if he took responsibility for his egregious mistakes: if he was continually apologetic for the deceit of his original actions and the harm they’ve done your family — then maybe you’d have a chance. But these reactions? No. He’s become a dickhead and shows no indication of change. He’s keeping his head firmly in the sand and pretending that health care and steady income and college funds don’t matter, he can act like a 20-something entrepreneur and fuck his family. And he can feel self-righteous while he does it by displacing blame to YOU for returning to work. How. Dare. He.

I don’t think you and him will ever see eye to eye on this subject, because your husband is the financial equivalent of a man who beats his wife and tells her she shouldn’t have made him angry. Quite likely the best thing you could do for your children now is to plan your exit from this train wreck of a marriage. Will your parents offer you any support if you leave him?

I’m so sorry you were betrayed this way. And I am livid on your behalf and outraged and furious at your dickhead of a husband. I can’t believe other Bees are being so chill about this issue.

Post # 39
Member
4113 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

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doglover89:  My main point was why would she take the risk of staying home and letting her husband figure out their finances? He took an 80k pay cut without serious discussion about how it would affect their family and their lifestyle.. Requiring her to go back to work. Why would she ‘trust’ him and stay home again? The person who suggested she let him solve their problems is way off-base.

I don’t think someone who stayed at home with their child and had a husband making bank wants to cut corners, nor trust someone who just recently blindsided her, he didn’t just take a massive pay cut but also forfeited their health insurance when they have a child..

I don’t blame her one bit.. She’s not wrong to be having a difficult time with this when he’s already proven he takes gambles with their comfort and security.

 

Post # 40
Member
3936 posts
Honey bee

 

First of all, many cyber hugs to you.

Secondly, my knee-jerk reaction is to continue working the 3days until baby, and take unpaid maternity leave/FMLA, and ask about adjusting to a more part-time basis after your return. That way, you still keep income/stability from your work. 

As to the hubs, you just need to talk talk talk.

Just my intial $0.02.

And congrats on your newest little one. Some of us haven’t had any offspring, so, please, do remember to focus on your many joys and not your challenges.

😉

 

 

 

Post # 41
Member
3936 posts
Honey bee

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whatjusthappened:  

I totally forgot to link you just now. Whoops.

Post # 42
Member
208 posts
Helper bee

A selfish ass would be a man telling you to work twice as much than you already do and not even giving you an option to stay home with the kids. while this may not be realistic financially the fact that he felt/feels he can do this for you and the family doesnt sound like a selfish man to me but someone trying to make things easier on you. but ok….anyway if that is not an option then a serious discussion needs to come into play and breaking down the facts ofwhere you are financially (writing this out) and what you will and or will not be able to afford to do. Is he open to being able to go back? Bottom line that baby is coming so you have no choice but to figure it out and communication and goals are both your parts will have to take place

Post # 43
Member
934 posts
Busy bee

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MrsBee2U:  I think its a pretty asshole move to make your wife feel bad for working when said asshole takes a job that doesnt cover the bills and doesn’t have health insurance but hey thats just me…

Post # 44
Member
208 posts
Helper bee

 

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Katie-Didnt: When he took the job (as a married man) im sure he did not come home and say honey guess what i have a new job. sorry not sorry. She knew whn he had the interview when he had the second interview  when he got offered the job and how much would be coming in after he accepted it. it wasnt a wam bam thank u maam decision and if it was then there are bigger problems here. second sometimes men dont think the way we feel they should be thinking. I think his intensions were good but was he realistically thinking whn he said its going to be ok just stay home, no. but theyre here now in this situation and the next step is make choices together bottom line.

Post # 45
Member
1286 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

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Katie-Didnt:  Agree with you.

(1) When you get married, you are making a promise to work together as a team. I can’t believe that he just up and quit his job for a new career without discussing it with her beforehand. That’s a huge decision. Not the same kind of decision as picking a flavor of ice cream at the store. (2) If we just had a baby, no way my husband would do something like that until we were more financially stable. Health insurance is so important when you have a new child. He would suck it up for a few yrs and then change his career. Your husband is being selfish and arrogant. It’s great that he wants to be able to be the sole breadwinner, but he needs to admit that his last decision wasn’t the best one.

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whatjusthappened:  

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