Post # 1
My friend had allot of help when her marriage was in trouble and she suggested I post on here for my problem. It’s pretty personal, so if u are opposed to Too Much Information then you may want to leave now. I’m just being honest lol
It comes down to this: my husband hardly ever wants to have sex with me. We used to have incredible sex. I loved it. Before we were married, it started to dwindle, but not like it is now. The longest we’ve gone without it has been 3 months. 3 MONTHS!! When we talk about it, he says he’s going to get it together and make more of an effort. Unfortunately nothing is really changing. We still go weeks without it, and when it does happen I am ALWAYS the one to initiate it. Most recently, it’s been about a month. We agreed months ago that we were going to start TTC this month, and he swore he was going to be committed to improving our sex life but apparently that was crap. He knew that I would be ovulating this week. He said he was all about trying. Well nothing is happening. My OBGYN said we should have sex every other day between days 8-20. Knowing my cycle, I knew that I would be ovulating between days 8-14. We are now on day 12 and nothing has happened. I have tried to initiate something for days, and he keeps giving me excuses. Today, he got home, and I was wearing new lingerie and sexy heels. I had the entire mood set in the house. I made sure to look hot (not trying to sound conceited). After settling in, he got undressed and came to the room where I was. I was thinking “FINALLY!” Except he then said that he was lazy and didn’t want to do any work (SERIOUSLY?!). The last few times, it has pretty much been me doing everything while he laid there. I honestly can’t remember the last time he gave me an orgasm. So I was already annoyed that he wasn’t making any moves. I pointed out that I would expect any guy to jump his wife if he came home to her wearing something sexy. He said I was right but repeated that he was tired and wanted to but didn’t want to have to actually do anything. He then put his arm around me and said “lets just cuddle”. I was NOT wearing “cuddle” heels! Anyway, I told him that while I love doing things to him and with him, I wasn’t going to just do everything while he just laid there. He then got up, threw on some shorts and sneakers, and put on a P90x video!! So he was too lazy and tired and didn’t want to do any work when it came to making love to me, but he wasn’t too tired to do a high intensity workout?! I couldn’t believe it. I just left the room because I felt the tears coming. I honestly feel so humiliated. After getting rejected so often, I was starting to feel like maybe he’s not as attracted to me anymore, but I definitely feel like that now. What man that is sexually attracted to his wife is too lazy to have sex with her but not too lazy to do p90s?! Ladies, I seriously feel so unattractive right now and just overall embarrassed. I feel like an ass for trying so hard. Before anyone blames it on the ttc issue, he talks about having a baby more than I do.
So am I overreacting? Any advice on how to fix this?
Post # 2
No way are you overreacting. I’m so sorry you are in this bad position. Honestly, the situation you have described I would consider a marriage-ender. Some people can stay in sexless marriages and be happy being celibate or seeking sex elsewhere, but it sounds like you’re not one of them. So addressing this issue is a MUST if you and your husband both want to stay in the marriage. If you’re feeling this unwanted and undesirable after a few sexless months, imagine how you’ll feel after a few sexless years.
I think you should seek professional help with your husband. You guys need to find out WHY this is happening – physical, mental, cheating, what? First he should go to a medical doctor. He might have a testosterone issue. If he gets an all-clear from the MD, you both should go to couples counseling.
if I were you, I would def. let me husband know right now that the current situation is unbearable for me, and if he wants the marriage to continue he needs to seek professional help and advice NOW. To mitigate the ultimatum-soundingness of this, I’d also let him know I’ll be there to support and assist every step of the way. The worst thing you guys can do is ignore the issue and continue to allow it to erode your self esteem and the strength of your relationship.
i wish you he best of luck, I can imagine how humiliated and unwanted you must feel and my heart goes out to you. I hope your husband takes this seriously, seeks help and the issue is resolved!!
Post # 3
I second having him see a doctor to get his levels checked out. Sex is a huge part of a relationship. Tell him this is hurting your feelings/self esteem/the marriage. That better be enough to make him see a doctor!
Post # 4
Definitely hold off on the ttc until this issue is resolved. As pp suggested sex therapy might be in order.
Post # 5
It seems to me that he doesn’t want to have a baby. If your sex life was great before marriage and the closer and closer you both got to TTC he has backed off more and more, that screams “I don’t want a baby” to me. I’m sure you talked about it but maybe he’s scared to tell you he does not want one yet or isn’t ready, ESP if you have baby fever. He could also want a baby but be super nervous about it. I would try gently (he won’t be honest if you get angry and accusatory) ask him if that has anything to do with it. be open and willing to compromise on waiting if he says it does contribute, and make sure you keep communication open!
Post # 6
I wonder if this lack of desire is his way of communicating that he is not ready for parenthood. Sometimes men are very fond of the passive aggressive maneuver, because they see it as a way to avoid conflict.
Post # 7
Not too get too personal on here (I have no idea if my Fiance could find this) but we have also had this problem. Not as severe as you but still! For him it was 100% connected to depression. Do you think your DH could possibly have that? When people get depressed, their sex drive goes way down and they make excuses and stuff about it and don’t want to admit that depresssion is the problem. Talk to him and see if maybe this is the problem. Definitely suggest he go to therapy in the best way possible. Best of luck hun!
Post # 8
You mentioned that it started to dwindle before you got married and has progressively gotten worse. I wonder if he just naturally has a low sex drive once the newness of relationships wears off.
Post # 9
I second the idea of seeing a medical doctor to make sure there is nothing health-wise that is preventing your DH from having sex. If there are no medical reasons for his lack of sex drive, please also know that before jumping to the conclusion that your DH doesn’t want to have sex with you, there are many other reasons that could be contributing to his low libido.
Some of the big ones that are related to low sex drive is, problems at work/bored or unfulfilled at a job he hates, a lot of life changing events happening (marriage, death, births, moving, etc), he has fears and anxiety around fatherhood that he has bottled up inside, there are issues in your relationship but he has not voiced/addressed his concerns/issues, and if he has recently gained weight and physically/mentally he does not feel attractive or has low energy.
I think the first thing you and your DH need to focus on is to figure out what the underlying issues are around the lack of sex in your relationship. If I were you, until you heal whatever is going on, bringing a baby into this mix is going to make things much more complicated and make things worst. Not to mention, when you’re pregnant your hormones will be all over the place and it will be much harder for you to keep a cool level head where you can see things objectively/rationally.
Post # 10
PM Me. Would love to talk to another lady about this problem.
Post # 11
Deal breaker for me, I’m wishing you luck, OP! No one deserves to feel like they’re trying too hard, what an awful feeling. Sex and love are two different things but I would feel very unloved and unwanted if I had dolled up for nothing…
Keep us updated
Post # 12
Definitely time to have a serious discussion with your husband, and if he refuses or if the conversation does not go anywhere, I’d consider couple’s counseling to have a mediator create a safe space and lead the discussion.
Might be fear, might be depression, might also be porn. People getting used to get a quick release through masturbation while watching highly arousing videos might start to feel that normal sex with a partner is too much work, and/or fear that they won’t be able to climax in a less arousing environment.
Post # 13
There’s a lot more going on here than you’ve mentioned in this thread. After reading your past thread, I thnk you might need to just cut your losses.
Post # 14
I totally agree. Recapping that last thread: he suggested a time of separation and during that time he had an affair. Then when you got together he admitted to still having feelings for her. So I think the reason for lack of sex is he’s not fully committed to you.
My advice: dump the cheater.
I’m not sure why you say you don’t believe in divorce, but if it’s for religious reasons let me say this: I belong to a fairly conservative church, and I would have no hesitation recommending divorce if you were one of my friends from church.
Post # 15
It could be depression. It’s actually happening to Fiance and I, but in our case, I am the one that wants nothing to do with sex. I suffer from depression and even though our sex life was great at first, for the last two years I don’t have any desire for it. I had the doctor do blood work but everything came back fine. I am under continuous pressure from Fiance to get my act together and somehow make my sex drive come back. He has accused me of not loving him and/or not being attracted to him. I am seeing a psychologist for it as well. I have given into sex a couple of times even though I did not want to, and I felt miserable because it felt like a chore, which in turn makes less desirable. One thing I would want you to keep in mind is that you might not be the only one suffering. I for one feel completely helpless, and I feel like I am never going to be able to make Fiance happy again. Recognize that by blaming yourself (i.e. “He is not attracted to me anymore”), you might be making him feel even more helpless about the situation. This is a serious issue and you certainly need to address it. I wish I could give you advice but I am myself trying to figure out how to get my sex drive back.