Husband Relapsed During Quarantine

posted 1 week ago in Married Life
Post # 2
Member
2465 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

It’s hard to read this because of the way that it posted. Have you gotten help for yourself? There are groups for friends and family of alcoholics. I also recommend the book Codependent No More. You can’t do anything to make him stop drinking. It is out of your control. He has to want to stop on his own and he has to put in all the work to sobriety on his own. I don’t see him committed to that. I hear the pain in your post. I’m sure he is a great guy when he’s not drinking but he is drinking and he’s not treating you well at all. Could you just stay at your mom’s house all the time so that you don’t have to be around this? 

Post # 3
Member
626 posts
Busy bee

Bee, you are only 29. You have your whole life ahead of you. It sounds like youve been loving, forgiving, and supportive. But you cannot force someone to make good choices. He isnt willing to. He isnt reliable or trustworthy. You’ll never feel safe with him and these relapses will pop up time and again. I think its time to look at divorce. You deserve so much more than this.

Post # 4
Member
7325 posts
Busy Beekeeper

Contrary to what we’ve all learned from poetry, ballads and rom-coms love is NOT enough. You can “have a child and live without fear that my spouse can’t maintain a healthy lifestyle” but it sounds as if that’s not possible with him. 

Only he can make changes in his life. I hope you will seek out your own counseling and support to make changes in yours. After an OWI he still wants to drive drunk–do you want to have children with a man who kicks you and the kids out when you try to stop him? Or worse? You know the answer. 

Post # 5
Member
1799 posts
Buzzing bee

If you want children and you’re 29 I think you know as hard as it is that you need to move forward with divorce.

I don’t say this lightly, bee. You have done everything you possibly could have for him and there’s nothing you can do to make him want to get well.

And just because you committed to him in marriage doesn’t mean you deserve to be sentenced to life with an alcoholic. You have to do what’s best for yourself and this isn’t healthy for you. 

Please don’t feel guilty for putting yourself first. You cannot compete with addiction and you will never win. And to bring a child into this situation would be a very bad idea.

I think it’s time for a fresh start

Post # 6
Member
1935 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

Al Anon also has support for families of alcoholics.  Looks like you should start there to help yourself and yes they have zoom meetings.

I’m sure you know that your DH is responsible for his own sobriety but you need to see that through his behavior and actions not only is he showing a lack of commitment to that sobriety but also a lack of commitment to his marriage.  His priority is not you but the addiction.  He’s not willing to fight for you, deal with his demons or take responsibility for his actions.  Can’t you see bee that he has already left the marriage? He left you for his old love……alcohol.  That is what he is choosing….not you. Alcoholics who are in deep with their addiction don’t care how it affects anyone but themsleves.

I get that you love him and want to commit to the marriage but there comes a time when enough is enough and you have to choose YOU.  There’s nothing wrong or immoral about that choice especially since its his addiction that forces you to make it.  Its clear you haven’t reached that point yet and that’s okay.  You soon will and when you do you should make your choice with a clear conscience. 

Whatever you do you need to take his car keys away from him….permanently so that no innocent person pays the price for his selfishness. 

Post # 7
Member
1 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: June 2007

New poster here. I’m so sorry you are going through this. I am a member of Al-Anon and find it extremely helpful. I hope you can find an online meeting if you are interested in checking it out. Recovery from alcoholism is a family process, and I’ve been very grateful to have Al-Anon as my husband does what he has to for his sobriety. Alcoholism is a deep emotional problem that is so much more than just drinking. Your husband’s brain is telling him to protect his alcohol use at all costs. Often the best way to do that is to blame you or deflect. Only you can know what is best for you to do. I think you could find some peace of mind through Al-Anon no matter what decision you make. I wish you all the best. 

Post # 8
Member
500 posts
Busy bee

Sorry Bee, that’s rough; but you said it best yourself: you would advise a friend to leave. Now, also, you woukd have empathy for why she stayed for so long. Those you love will have that same empathy for you, they won’t see you as a failure.

Also, if he drives out drunk: call the police, give them all the details: location, license plate. It’ll hurt him to have a DUI, but driving drunk AND angry: he;s likely to hurt others.

Post # 9
Member
6918 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

I stopped reading at the point that you left your damn house at 4 in the morning.

At this point, OP, you need therapy, too. You’ve been dealing with this for years and your sense of what is healthy, normal, acceptable and even tolerable has clearly been impacted. 

You cannot help, fix or save your husband. And if he is struggling with sobriety and not getting support from people he KNOWS are there to help him, you aren’t even in a relationship with him, you are in relationship with his addiction.

Focus on getting the support YOU need.

Post # 10
Member
261 posts
Helper bee

I was with my exhusband 13 years. For about 8 of those, drinking wasn’t a problem. And then it was, and continues to be.

You should leave. This part is the hardest.

Post # 11
Member
887 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

View original reply
@messie12:  As a nurse I’ve seen the end game when it comes to alcoholics.  They are truly the worst patients.  By the time I see them in my ICU they’re bitter angry people.  No one comes to visit them because by that point they’ve burned every bridge.  They lie, they manipulate, and they die wet nasty deaths.  I could never tie myself to that. I’m so sorry

Post # 12
Member
1140 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2020

I agree you would benefit from Al-Anon. You also need to leave. The alcoholism isn’t the only problem here. Your relationship has become toxic to the point that you feel your choices are you leave at 4 am or he drives off drunk. He is being emotionally and verbally abusive. He is not even trying.

It would be unfair to let this man father a child. Break free and make a fresh start.

 

Post # 13
Member
7938 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

I’d leave. Otherwise you will have a life of misery. We have lived with this with my brother in law.

Post # 14
Hostess
1563 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: City, State

View original reply
@messie12:  girl, I get it, I really do. I strongly suggest therapy and Al-Anon for you. Right now I know you’re struggling with guilt if you decide to leave and probably cry all the time, especially when you think of what will happen to him if you go. That is a phase of processing and you need to go through it with a therapist so you can get through to the other side and realize that you only get one life (as far as we know) and that you don’t want the one you have anymore. With help from a professional, you can get through this and eventually you won’t cry when you think about it, you won’t feel guilt, and you’ll know that you made the right choice in leaving. I promise you’ll get there, but you have to start taking steps toward it. You don’t want a life of worry, of caretaking, of anxiety and one without love and respect and not being with someone who is on the same level as you. It’s just not worth it, I promise. If you want to PM me, I’m happy to chat and share more about my own experiences if you think it will help you. Not only do you not want that life, but you deserve more and there is a better future waiting for you–you just have to take the reins back in your life and go after it. Hugs. 

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